The “You’re Not Alone” ministry is evolving to include prescriptive solutions to help Christian families who find drugs or alcohol have invaded their family through their kids.  There are four primary ways we now reach out: 

• Information for parents of abusers and addicts published on this Web site.  (Please scroll down.)
• Weekend seminars at your church.*

• A new book of “19 Stories of Hope, Love and Healing” based upon talks at “You’re Not Alone” conferences.  Published by Family Life, the title of the book is Hit By a Ton of Bricks:  You’re Not Alone When Your Child’s on Drugs. 
• Speaking at pastors' conferences and seminars on the subject of "Our Kids and Drugs."

To order, click here.

*If you have a high bandwidth Internet connection and Windows Media Player installed on your computer, you can view can view a streaming video of one of John Vawter’s Sunday sermons, which precedes afternoon seminars on “Christian Kids and Drugs.”  To view online, click here.  If you prefer a CD-ROM or VHS by video by postal mail, please send information to info@notalone.org or leave a message at 480-752-8994. 

In this section there are eight major sub-sections covering information that is vital to the health of the parent of the addict.  These sub-sections are: 

• Questions Parents Ask 

• The Path to Parental Health - Eight Responses Many Parents Experience 

• One Day at a Time - For the Addict's Parents 

• "You're Not Alone" Commissions Studies

• Need a response from someone who has been where you are? 

• A Parent's Guide to Prevention 

• Reference Section: Groups, Publications and Counselors for Further Help

• How to Let Jesus Christ Help You  

Please scroll down to find the appropriate sub-section.

Questions Parents And Grandparents Ask

Since “You’re Not Alone” conferences started in 1999, we have compiled some Frequently Asked Questions by parents in ministry whose kids are using or abusing illicit drugs, alcohol, or any mood-altering chemicals. We make no differentiation, because addiction can be deadly in many ways and addicts will use whatever gets them high. In many cases, there is not one universally accepted answer. In some cases, we will give dissenting views with the knowledge that each parent ultimately must make his or her own decision.

For answers to questions most troubling to you, click on the link(s) below:

Action Steps

What is the first thing parents should do when they find out their child has been using?

• The first thing is not to panic. Remember, "You're Not Alone." As clearly as you can, think carefully. Do not over-react. Call your pastor, a close friend or person whom you know will pray for you. Get to a counselor who understands the implications of drug/alcohol use/abuse.
• The age of the child is a factor in what you do. But do not wait.  Get to work on finding help and support for the rest of the family and the addict.
• It is important to be with someone who understands drugs or alcohol. You need expertise at this point. Try to avoid those who will meddle, preach or ask why instead of helping you find answers.
• Some families have found great help and wisdom in having a drug counselor do an evaluation on the child. The counselor can tell if there is experimentation, use or abuse and if the child is "at risk."  The counselor will explain the differences among experimentation, using and abusing and tell the parents whether a treatment program is necessary.

My child is in junior or senior high and using. What do I do?

• Find out how much he/she is using, when, where and with whom.
• Tough love is not a cliché. When a child is still living under your authority, you must take action.
• One father says, "It's not a time to caretake, negotiate, rationalize, or be a wimp. Figure out a plan and work it. The plan has to be thought out objectively, maybe with a friend or counselor, because addict kids can be so manipulative. We never want to think our kids lie to us. In the midst of emotions, we lose objectivity and the impact of the decisions we need to make and maintain."

I feel helpless knowing my child might be an addict.  How do I start getting help?

• Some parents found great help in talking to the school counselor.
• Again, we cannot emphasize enough the value of seeing a drug counselor.
• Remember, abuse is not always addiction; it can be the result of succumbing to peer pressure.

My child is not yet an adult and is living in my home. The police say I will go to jail if I do not control him/her. What do I do?

• This is a very real issue in some states. We recently advised a couple to reiterate the rules of the home, which included NO use whatsoever of drugs or alcohol. Further, we advised the parents to tell the child that if use continued the garage would become his/her bedroom until he/she were of legal age, at which time he/she would be escorted from the property.
• Parents have the right to retain their dignity and standards.

(back to top)

Parental Pain

How do I deal with the pain that I experience when I learn  my child is experimenting or using/abusing drugs or alcohol?

• The expression, "One day at a time," is applicable here. Our fear can immobilize us. Get through the first day. Break it down into smaller units if need be.
• Do not stuff the pain; be honest with it because the pain is real and it can become debilitating very quickly.
• Do not deny your feelings. What are you and other family members feeling? Focus on your feelings and the reality of your child's behavior.
• Guilt and shame paralyze; anger and rage consume energy and solve nothing. If you experience these emotions, ask where they come from.

Where is God when I'm in all this pain?

• Remember that God is close by even if He seems far away.
• God knows your pain.  Reading the Psalms of David has helped some parents.  The Psalms express sorrow and despair but also show David turning his focus back to God.
• One father said about finding his son abusing drugs, "Prayer helped us realize that our son's salvation and relationship with God were more important than his relationship with the family.   I would pray for that and keep the 'self ' at a healthier distance."

How do I see God helping my child when he or she is hooked on drugs?

• One parent says he prays every day with a picture in mind of Jesus Christ standing behind the child saying to the parent, "I'm still at work.  Don't give up on Me.  I love your child even more than you do.  In fact, I died for your child."

How does talking to friends help when I'm in such pain?  Frankly, I don't feel like talking to anyone.

• Talk to someone you trust, preferably someone who is experienced in this sort of thing.  If he/she is a person who will hug you, that will be even better.  A person of compassion who can cry with you and not preach at you will work wonders in your soul.  Do not keep the news inside.
• Have a friend, counselor or pastor to whom you can talk at any time.  Also, remember that the pain is real.  We cannot deny it.  But, after a while, it begins to dissipate; although when you are in the midst of it, that is hard to believe.
• What scares you?  Be honest about this fear.  Discuss it with God and others.

The stress and conflicting ideas about our child's use is hurting our marriage. What do I do about this situation?

• We must accept the fact that we have different temperaments. These different temperaments mean that often our responses to situations will be different. It is important to talk about these differences and acknowledge them. This helps us understand that our mate is not necessarily being cruel or insensitive to us. He/She just has a different response.
• It would be good to read the transcription of the talk John and Susan Vawter entitled "Darling, Please Don't Shoot Me. I'm Hurting, Too."  The transcription of their talk is on this website.

I am a single parent. I feel all alone, tired, overwhelmed and depressed. Where do I go for help?

• We empathize with you. As a healthy, married couple we often ask ourselves, "How do single parents get through this pain?"
• We cannot emphasize strongly enough the need for support groups, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, prayer partners and compassionate friends on whose shoulder you can cry.
• Again, the expression, "One day at a time," applies because you need to manifest faith just to get through the day. Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

Does the fear for my child's safety ever go away? 

• There is probably no right answer but we say "No."
• This question was asked of a man who had three of his four children go through treatment, the last over 14 years ago. He said, "No. Every time the phone rings late at night, I think it is related to drugs."
• The addict husband of a friend returned to cocaine after being clean for 11 years. The loved one should never stop praying.
• The principle, "One day at a time," is true here as well. The parent must give the daily fear to God, never get cocky, and continue to ask God to be working in the life of the recovering addict or alcoholic so that he/she may stay drug-free and sober.

Does the pain you experience as a parent ever go away? 

• Yes, but like scars for our own sins that seem to surface from time to time, we do not forget. I can now, after 12 years, laugh at some of the incidents, even when it involved lies and tricks that I fell for. The joy of seeing a healthy son, married, two grandchildren and a recommitment of life to Christ, far surpasses any pain that I suffered. I am still amazed at the way I remember things versus the way my son remembers things. The Lord is so good about deflecting some of the bad times from our memories. These are opportunities to live, learn and practice being God's children.
• It would be good to read the transcription of Jim Smoke's talk entitled, "Persevering When You Feel Debilitated."
• One father says, "We learned from our daughter, who had learned it from AA, that 'I will not regret the past or seek to change it.' When asked how she could not think of the past her answer was, 'I am forgiven by God. If I keep looking to the past, then I will not have the energy to focus on accomplishing something in my future.' This has helped me deal with the pain that still exists."
• The behavior is always hateful but the child needs to be forgiven and the parent needs to forgive.  You forgive but you do not forget because you will be vigilant the rest of your life.  As sobriety grows, you can talk about it as real history.

How do I deal with the guilt I feel over my child being an addict? 

• Welcome to the club!! There is not one of us who has not wondered, "What did I do wrong?" Be encouraged by these words from a recovering addict who said to her parents, "Tonight in my AA discussion group there were people from the streets, middle class people such as myself, people who have fortunes and people who have had fortunes and lost them through drugs or alcohol. We agreed that the common denominator among us is that until we stopped blaming others for our use and abuse of drugs or alcohol, we did not get the help we needed."
• Most addicts, when they go through treatment and do Steps 8 and 9 that lead them to make amends with the people they have hurt, go to their parents and acknowledge that nothing their parents did or did not do caused them to use drugs or alcohol.  A recent study with pastors' kids concludes the same thing.
• If we know of areas where we failed our child, we can ask their forgiveness and God's forgiveness. At times when we know we did the best we knew how, we have to leave it in God's hands, knowing we are not responsible for the child's choices. Then we move ahead to build a healthy and positive relationship with the child and with each other.
• We must remember there are no perfect parents. It is only a sign of our lack of understanding of drugs/alcohol as parents that we would blame ourselves for our child's use or continue to let him/her blame us for his/her use.

Sometimes I feel as though I have lost hope for the future of my child. Can you help me? 

Sometimes my mental responses to having drugs in our family are not indicative of a follower of Christ. I find myself hating the drug dealer who supplied my kid drugs. Do you have any advice or experience that will help me? 

(back to top)

Tough Love / Denial, Enabling

It is tough to be tough with my child. I think I must give him/her another chance. What do you say?

• We parents are in this bind because we love our children; we created them; we want what is best for them. On the other hand, we must remember that there is normal logic and then there is "addict logic." Addict logic is not something we parents can understand. Of course, we want to give "one more chance." However, the addict should not be enabled.
• One more chance may be enabling. Get help.  Your kid's drug is their beloved "mistress."
• Kids do not need another reprieve. They need contracts with consequences.
• If your child is experimenting with, abusing or addicted to drugs or alcohol, he/she is probably lying to you. Remember, illicit drugs are of the devil, who is the agent of lies, not truth. So, if you are expecting truth from a kid who is using drugs, you are being naïve. They do not want the drugs taken away and they do not want to say "no" to their friends.
• Also, if you are like most parents to whom we talk, you are not experienced in this sort of thing. You do not need to feel guilty about that. There is no way all of us can know about drugs. Therefore, deal with it like any other ignorance.

How do I know if I am enabling my child?

• Enabling is making excuses, covering up or giving one more chance without forcing the addict to assume responsibility for his/her actions.
• If we as the parents keep repeating the same actions toward the child and giving more chances but see the same response or non-response, then we are probably enabling.
• Know the signs of addiction: changes from normal behavior, change in grades, poor behavior, bad behavior at home.  If you see any of these signs, act.

What is denial?

• Denial is not admitting the truth of the situation and actually making an effort to avoid the truth.
• Denial is easy for Christians because we say we "give everything to God," and that "Christians are not supposed to worry." Often these are games we play to avoid the truth of the issue we should admit and deal with.
• When asked about feelings, we often shift to thoughts.  But if we're feeling pain over our child's behavior, this is a step beyond denial.

My spouse is in denial about our child's use. What advice do you have? 

• It is not unusual for parents to deny their kid's using.  Try to talk with him/her about what you see.
• We must be responsible for our own feelings and our own level of understanding of the problem.
• We must try to respect our mate's feelings. We may have to agree to disagree.
• When parents agree on a problem and a course of action to take, they can rely on and draw strength from one another.
• When parents disagree or one is in denial, tensions arise. At this point counseling, support groups and leaning on a compassionate friend are strongly recommended.

             (back to top)

Addict Behavior

Can you explain "addict logic" to me?

• Addict logic is different from normal logic.
• Addict logic rationalizes any action that continues the use or abuse of drugs or alcohol.
• Addict logic is a selfish logic. It is only interested in the use or abuse of drugs.
• Trying to be rational with an addict who has not hit bottom is a waste of time because he/she will simply use addict logic in dealing with you.

I think my addict child is lying to me. Why would he/she do that?

• As one addict told her parents, "You can not be a successful addict unless you are a great liar." We non-addicts do not understand the drive to use and the willingness to lie, steal, cheat or beg to get drugs or alcohol. Remember, for the addict nothing is too great a risk in order to get high once again.
• Addiction seems to be triggered in a euphoric experience early in use that is planted deep in the memory.

I think my addict child is stealing from me. What do I do?

What are some behaviors associated with drugs?

• Changes--in moods, spending habits, loss of possessions, a general sloppiness in hygiene, clothing and bedroom.
• Mentally--fuzzy recall of yesterday, loss of focus, alibis and "tall tales."
• Socially--unusual risk taking, change in friends, being alone or out of sight.
• These behaviors can be some of the potential signs of drug/alcohol use.  But it is important to remember that "one can't be a successful addict without being a great liar," so these behaviors are not always present.

             (back to top)

Support Groups

I am uncertain about attending a support group that is not overtly Christian. How would you advise me?

What is the value of a support group?

• There is strength in numbers; we understand we are not going crazy and that our feelings and fears are common to others.
• It is therapeutic to share with compassionate and understanding people.
• There is relief in actually speaking our pain and feelings aloud to others.
• Hearing others talk about their fears, struggles and problems gives us the courage to admit what our fears, struggles and problems are. This also helps us admit our behaviors, good and bad.
• One father says, "The value of a support group for me was learning the real damage and behavior of addicts and chemically dependent children. I was one of those who did not know much about chemical dependency and it blew me away."

Is it hard to walk into a support group when, as a minister or missionary, you are used to giving answers to people?

• Of course it is hard. Sometimes it is very hard. But that is just our ego and we have to surmount it for the sake of our child's welfare. When our daughter checked into treatment at the hospital where her uncle had been Chief of Staff of Cardiology, many people asked if we were related to him. It was embarrassing for a while until I realized her health was important, not what other people thought.
• The first time we went to Nar-Anon, it was extremely difficult. I am a pastor. I give answers to people. But, interestingly enough, when I go to the doctor, be it proctologist, dentist or surgeon, I go for answers, not to give them. I quickly learned that the people at Nar-Anon were experienced and knew more than I did. I needed to be quiet and listen, and at every meeting God spoke to me.

What is Al-Anon? What is Nar-Anon? What happens if people do not respect my faith at one of those meetings? 

• These are support groups for family members whose loved ones use alcohol or narcotics. They are based on the Twelve Step Principles.
• Just as addicts are advised to find a support group that meets their comfort level, so the family member must do the same. Al-Anon relates to alcohol and Nar-Anon relates to narcotics.
• One of the principles of the groups is that people rely on their "Higher Power," as they perceive Him. As followers of Christ we do not call Him "Our Higher Power." However, some of us have found great help at these meetings. Our intention was not to discuss theology, convert others, or struggle when others did not honor God; our purpose was to learn about drugs and alcohol and get help for ourselves.

              (back to top)

 Advice from Veterans

I have heard the phrase, "Let go and let God." What does it mean?

• I cannot be responsible for another's choices.
• I must let the other person be responsible to God. I must pray diligently for God to work in his/her life.
• I must accept the fact that my worrying will not accomplish anything; my prayers will, but not my worrying.

What does the phrase, "You did not cause it, you can not control it, you can not cure it" mean?

• Nothing the parent did caused the addict to use and nothing the parent does can stop the addict from using.
• Only God can change and bring about a cure in another's life as he/she turns to Him.
• I am not God; therefore, I quit trying to control the addict and ask Him to work in his/her life.
• Re-read  the first answer to the question: "How do I deal with the guilt I feel over my child being an addict?" in the section called Parental Pain where the parent quotes the addict daughter and what a group of alcoholics/addicts said about who was responsible for their using and drinking.

Read the words of parents who had three of their kids go through treatment.

• With our first chemically dependent child (C.D.C.), we thrashed, rationalized and deluded ourselves for three years before we insisted on treatment.  Finally, one of the school counselors phoned to say our son was out of control and should go into a treatment center immediately, not "let's talk about it" but "get him there today even if you have to tie him up and carry him ."
• With our next C.D.C., we waited three months until school was out.
• With our last C.D.C. we waited three days.  She was "turned in" by her then-and-still best friend.
• The treatment time to get back to a sober life was proportional to the delay before we took action, about 1 l/2 years, about 2 months, and a couple of weeks.

              (back to top)

General Questions

Would having a child drug or alcohol addicted disqualify a pastor according to 1 Timothy 3:4-5?

• Our understanding of that issue is that an adult child away from home certainly would not disqualify a pastor. One pastor's son was a model child through high school. He got into drinking in college.
• At what point would a younger child's disobedience or loss of control to chemicals disqualify a pastor? We are not certain. The board of each church would have to rule on those cases individually.
• We understand that not every theological or ecclesiastical system agrees on this matter. However, we think God does not intend to disqualify ministers as often as people do. Probably the best we can say is to make certain you are with people who will be gracious and helpful, not harsh and judgmental.

I have heard it said that a born-again Christian cannot be an alcoholic or addict. Would you comment on this?

• I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. She relates, "After I went through treatment, one Thanksgiving some friends said to me at dinner, 'Since you are born-again, you cannot be alcoholic. Have a glass of wine with us.' I assumed they were right; so I had the glass and over the next few months fell completely off the wagon. I lost EVERYTHING in my life." Remarkably, she does not blame those friends but now knows they were naïve.
• A pastor explains, "I spent one Christmas with my brother in a drug rehab center as he finally admitted his problem. I watched him struggle as a number of well-meaning people asked him how he could be a Christian and struggle with drug addiction. 'I do not understand. How can you say you follow God, but look where you are.?' I watched my brother doubt and suffer in trying to reconcile his relationship with God and his addiction."
• A missionary explains, "Saying Christians can not be addicts is tantamount to saying that born-again Christians don't/can't sin or that they will always be free from 'serious' sin. This 'assumption' is both foolish and foolhardy. Christians and Christian ministers/missionaries have been adulterers, homosexuals, embezzlers, etc. So claiming that a born-again Christian cannot be an alcoholic or drug addict is simply not true. However, the Christian community's penchant to stigmatize and ostracize those caught in serious sin, means one is hard put to find 'safe' groups in the church where help and support are extended to those struggling and to those affected. At the same time, this does not change the message of the Gospel but strengthens it. When we sin, we have indeed forgotten our own powerlessness and the necessity of an hourly and daily reliance on His power and the strength of His people as burden bearers. Our need for Christ does not stop when we become Christians. Our need for His people is intensified because none of us is strong enough to stand on our own."
• I am always amazed that people who still lust, get angry, are impatient, gossip, are overweight and so forth, even though they are born-again, somehow think they have the right to proclaim that one can not be a Christian and an addict. Just because someone is a follower of Christ does not give him the right to intrude into the life of the addict or his/her family with their opinions on things of which he/she knows very little.

How do I deal with the "well-meaning" family members and friends who intrude and ask too many questions?

• Each family system is different, but the very life and future of the addict must be of highest importance. If that means telling people half of the story, if that means telling them you cannot be with them unless they say encouraging things, if that means cutting some people out of your life who will drain what little energy you have out of you, then so be it.
• If possible get the family member or friend involved in treatment, Al-Anon, etc.
• The message has to be this: when we are at our most vulnerable point, we must surround ourselves with those people who will be empathetic, sympathetic, understanding, supportive, convicting and confronting. We need to distance ourselves from those who want to make proclamations about something of which they are naïve and ignorant. Usually, recovering addicts must find new friends. Sometimes their family members must do the same.

You're not crazy, unique or alone.

• 1 Corinthians 10:31 says we are not unique or alone in the temptations we face.  The same is true in the "wanderings" and questions we have when we find out our child is abusing drugs/alcohol.  Here is the list of questions our "veteran" parents have asked.  They will help you see that none of us is well trained before abuse hits our families.  That is why we must not keep it a secret and we must rely on others.
• Questions you ask are:
  What if he/she is not chemically dependent?
  Are there symptoms?
  What do I look for?
  Can I keep this confidential?
  What does it cost?
  What will it do to my/his/her insurance (auto, health, etc.)?
  How do I find a good program?
  What does treatment consist of?
  Will I have to stop drinking?
  How long does it take to fix him/her?

Do I need to feel guilt about my child's addiction?

• Chemically dependent people are great at making others believe they are the cause of the dependent behavior.  Don't be hooked by this guilt-producing talk.

Does addiction stunt emotional growth?

• The time between the first use and intervention indicates how much "loss of growing up" has happened.  The addict simply does not learn coping skills, except for medicating.
• If the child started using at age twelve and has used for three years, he/she has the maturity of a 12-year-old, not a 15-year-old. 
• This is one reason why treatment of adults who become addicted in their twenties will focus more on abstinence while treatment of juveniles will focus more on learning coping skills.

Do parents do something wrong when their kids use?

• One successful pastor warned his child against drugs/alcohol, told him of the high possibility of "alcoholic genes" in the family, and was aware of the child's behavior and peers.  The child still abused alcohol/drugs in high school and college.  Rebellion can be subtle and hard to define.  The parent did nothing wrong.  The child chose to rebel.

              (back to top)

Treatment Programs

Why should I consider a treatment center for my child?

• If you found out your child had a life-threatening illness or injury, what would you do: pray or go to a medical specialist?  Regardless of your answer, you would do both.  You should do the same with treatment.
• Addiction to chemicals is life threatening.  By the time the parent learns about it, it has been going on for a significant period of time.
• An addict child is at risk for IDS (insanity, death or suicide).  You cannot let shame, guilt or rage get in your way of getting help.
• Keeping the addiction a secret means lying to others.  This consumes energy, deludes you and leads to guilt and shame.

Can you help me get over my uncertainty about treatment?

• We do not recommend "Christian" treatment centers over "non-Christian" centers.  The will, motivation and desire of the addict to be abstinent are the most important factors.  (We recognize there is not universal agreement on this and we do not expend energy or time debating the issue.)
• Child addicts need help with coping skills because they have been medicating themselves rather than dealing with issues.
• Treatment begins with detoxification so that the addict is in the real world and comfortable about his/her behavior.  Only a sober/lucid person can be confronted.
• Our society says life should be pain-free.  However, life is tough.  Abstinence from drugs or alcohol is the only solution to confronting life and the reality is not easy.  Treatment, then, must teach the addict how to deal with reality, to have faith in God through Christ and to live one day at a time.
• Treatment does take time, a lot of time.  It can be "in your face" for a while.  One father who has had three kids go through treatment says, "Every family should go through treatment, whether or not there is an addiction problem, because it is so helpful."

When do we insist on treatment for our child?

• We can not stress too much the importance of rapid intervention and treatment.
• Treatment is a process that the parents must initiate and in which they become active participants themselves.
• You don't "send your kid off to get fixed."  Parents must be involved.

There is help in finding a treatment center 

There are times when intervention is the only solution for an individual struggling with substance abuse.  The following organizations operate nationally to help families in crisis find appropriate residential treatment for a loved one suffering from drug or alcohol abuse. 

·        Hall Educational Consulting Inc.
Scott Hall is a former Campus Crusade for Christ staff member specializes in helping parents seeking residential placement for a child 13 to 26 years old. Extensive, first-hand knowledge of short-term wilderness programs, medium-term residential treatment centers and longer term therapeutic boarding schools nationally.  He works with families throughout the U.S. and abroad.  His is a fee-based service.  Call 610-889-0303 or email scottrhall@comcast.net 

·        A Lighthouse with Healthcare Solutions” is a “single-point contact” that provides no-cost, confidential Christian assistance to those struggling with drug and alcohol addiction.  A single call to their toll-free hotline connects you with a Care Services Provider who can: 1, Access a network of Christian and secular providers to meet the needs within the family. 2, Mentor your family throughout the entire treatment process, from admission into a program on through the recovery process.  This includes education, intervention, guidance and monitoring. 3, Advise your family through difficult insurance, employment and legal difficulties. For no-cost, confidential assistance, call toll free:  1-866-890-CARE (2273) or visit their website: www.lighthousesolutions.us.                                               

Without warranty or guarantee of any nature the above are links to other sites that may provide information that could be helpful to you. You're Not Alone does not endorse any particular site nor any particular providers of services or information, nor has it performed due diligence concerning any sites, providers, or information listed.
You must perform your own investigation and independently evaluate the usefulness of any site, provider, or information.
 

             (back to top)

Hope in Darkness

How do I have hope when things look so bleak?

A lack of hope is something most parents experience when we discover our child is abusing drugs or alcohol.  This news assaults our spiritual and emotional senses and it is difficult to keep one's spiritual balance.  A parent is not a "bad Christian" or lacking in faith when this occurs. 

• Colossians 1:27 has helped many parents.  In this passage Paul says, "Christ in us is the hope of glory."  A number of parents have looked at this verse, thought of heaven and then worked "backwards" from the thought of heaven to the present day circumstances, which have been bleak.  They realized if they could trust God for their eternal future, then they could trust Him in the present.
• One pastor said at the funeral of his son who died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs, "God is here, God is good and that is enough."  It is easy to blame God, get angry with Him and think He has forsaken us.  We must remember God did not plan or determine these circumstances for us; He just wants to be a "very real help in our time of trouble." 
• A pastor told a widow at her husband's funeral something that he later realized helped him in his child's battle with drugs.  His words of advice to the widow were, "When you get home, God will be there.  You may have to look for Him but He will be there."  Within two or three weeks the widow told her pastor, "It is lonely, but He is there."  God is there with us parents whose kids abuse drugs and alcohol.
• The recovering addict/alcoholic learns to live one day at a time.  The parent must do the same.  The future can look so overwhelming.  Parents who learn to walk one day at a time seem to function the best.  We have known parents who have even broken up the day into thirds.  If life is good until breakfast, they thank God.  If it is good until lunch, they thank God, etc.  For help on this one day at a time principle, read the transcriptions of the talks that John and Susan Vawter gave entitled, "Darling, Please Don't Shoot Me I'm Hurting, Too." and "How Drugs and Alcohol Impact Your Marriage".  We think you will see what a difference a year can make, living life one day at a time.

Be encouraged by these words written by a father who discovered in 1984 that his son was an addict.  The parents had some rough days, as we all do, but they kept their eyes on the future and did not give up hope.  "Our family was together for a reunion recently.  It gave us a time to be together without having to cook, clean, etc.  We could just enjoy doing everything together.  What touched us the most was seeing the fantastic change in our son, from being heavily involved in drugs and in rebellion sixteen years ago, to seeing him today.  He is now involved in men's ministry, praying for the sick and is really tuned into what God has in store for him. Just to sit and listen to him share without adding our "two cents" worth is priceless.

Finally, as it relates to hope, Ruth Myers' book, 31 Days of Praise, (Multnomah Press, 1994) is proving to be a great source of encouragement and hope for parents with kids who are abusing alcohol or drugs.  Please take the time to mediate on this prayer found on page 94 of her book.

"Thank You that You plan to use for good the struggles my loved ones face--including their disappointing choices, their unwise or even harmful ways of thinking and living, and their sidetracks from going Your way (as I see it--and, Lord, I know I could be wrong!).

I praise You in advance for the part of these difficult things are going to play in Your good plan for us--in eventual deliverance and growth and fruitfulness.  I'm grateful that in all these things, the battle is not mine but Yours...and that the final chapter has not yet been written.  How good it is that I can call on You to give me wisdom to know what to say or not say, what to do and not do...and that You live in me so that I can love with Your love, even when it's hard.  Thank You that these trials force me to trust You more!

I worship before You, my King and my God.  I'm grateful that You command w\victories for Your people....and that "all things are Your servants."  You're a God who acts on behalf of the one who puts his hope in You.  Thank You that You are at work to answer my prayers in Your good way and time.

Thank You for past victories You have won in my loved ones' lives--for progress and growth and answered prayer--and for the victories we will yet see in the future, to the glory of Your Name.  I praise You that as times goes by, in new ways You will show us Your goodness in the land of the living."

             (back to top)

Incarceration

What if jail or prison becomes a part of your child's life?

We wish this question did not have to be answered.  A number of people have experienced this.  It hurts.  It is embarrassing.  We must remember that God never gives up on our child or us.  We must follow His lead. 

• Some parents have said that the phone call from the police station because of their child's drug offense caused "an explosion of pain."  They struggled with the question of what they had done wrong or how had they failed as parents.  The parent cannot give into these negative yet normal thoughts. The only way they learned to deal with the pain was to give it to God one day at a time and to talk to friends who had been there or who could offer support.
• Other parents have struggled with whether bailing their child out of jail was enabling their child.  The best answer we can offer is that there is no absolutely correct answer.  The issue has to be determined by whether the child is serious about sobriety and is not taking advantage of the parents' generosity.  The parents' motivation is to determine whether the bail will help the child in the long run.  In some cases parents have struggled that they are rejecting their child if they do not post bail.  In other cases, the child refuses to accept responsibility for his/her actions and accuses the parent of not loving him/her if they refuse to post bail.  As we said, this is a tough question.
• Some parents have struggled with the fact that they are "not being Spirit filled," "not loving one another," or "not turning the other cheek" when they have refused to post bail.  The enemy of our souls will attack us at every turn.  The basis of the decision should not be guilt.  It needs to be the long-term benefits for the child.
• As a parent there are lots of wasted and inconvenient time spent in court appearances, etc.  The parent is responsible for his or her own attitude.  Hopefully, these consequences will help the child to see the seriousness of his/her actions and cause him/her to change.  Uncompromising love that does not enable on the part of the parent seems to help the addict child.
• One parent talked about the positive aspects of jail by saying, "At least I knew my child was not on the streets using and selling drugs.  This thought was reflected by Zach Whaley, who said, "You must let pain do its work."
• Your goal must be to maintain or rebuild a relationship with the child, even if you hate what they have done and may continue to do.  This is probably not the time to "preach or teach" or to tell him/her any thing more.  The pain of the consequences of jail will do that.  (Read Todd Smoke's talk entitled, "A Sober View After Twenty Years of Abusing Drugs" to learn of consistent, uncompromising love of the parents and the value of jail.).

The perspective of a father whose son was incarcerated

Our personal dilemma with our son in jail was not about posting bail, but whether to hire an attorney. We certainly could afford to hire a good attorney who probably could have gotten him off with very little if any jail time. Instead, because he couldn't afford to hire anyone on his own, we allowed him to be represented by a public defender (actually several different ones represented him over the year and a half his case took) . 

We watched the gross incompetence and the complete lack of care or interest in the PDs and our hearts just broke and we felt horribly guilty. Often the Public Defender would only look at his case file on his way into court. It was apparent that he had done nothing, had made no phone calls, and had not exerted any effort since the last time he was in court 4-6 weeks earlier. This scene was repeated with virtually every court appearance. 

I'm certain that a competent attorney who spent just a little time on this case could have speeded up the process, which was agonizingly slow, and could have gotten a much lighter sentence for our son. 

Ultimately we decided to let our son live with all the consequences of his choices and decided that for us to hire a good attorney would have been our "bailing him out" and enabling his bad behavior. 

In retrospect, I'm not sure that was the right choice. The system is severely broken. I'm not saying the judicial system is corrupt; it is just so hopelessly bogged down and inefficient.

We may or may not have made the right choice.  There are no easy answers.  Each parent must decide.  It was a tough time when our son was in jail.  We learned to walk "one day at a time," and we learned to rely on parents who were in or had experienced similar circumstances.  We also extend our sympathies and empathy to parents in this situation.  God is real, even though He seems distant sometimes.  Do not quit on God.  He is here, He is good; and that is enough. 

(back to top)

Death By Overdose

When a Child Dies to Overdose

The following are some of the common responses parents have when a child dies to overdose.

"If I had taken certain steps earlier in my son's drug abuse, when he was just getting into marijuana, he might not have died."

"I have gone through a good deal of soul-searching over the last few weeks. Should I tell the truth about my daughter's death."

"Where did I go wrong? I feel so responsible."

"We are really suffering from the 'whip' of all this."

These and other initial responses to the death of a child by overdose are very natural. The emotions parents feel and experience need clarification and remedy in order to return to strong emotional, relational and spiritual health.

We torment ourselves with thoughts we allow to run through our minds.  It is like a painful, open wound.

What is drug overdose?

A drug overdose occurs when a person consumes more drugs than the body can tolerate. Symptoms of drug overdose range from the uncontrollable nodding of heroin, to the shakes of crack, cocaine powder and meth, to unconsciousness and death. Drug users are constantly flirting with the risk of a drug overdose. There is a fine line between the high they're seeking and serious injury or death.

The most common cause of death by overdose.

Mixing drugs such as heroin, pills and alcohol is the most common cause of death by overdose. Drugs taken together can interact in ways that increase their effects. With depressants (drugs that slow you down) the risk of passing out or stopping breathing increases. With stimulants (drugs that speed you up) the risk of seizures or heart attacks increase.

All drugs have the potential to be misused, whether legally prescribed by a doctor, purchased over-the-counter at the local drug store, or bought illegally on the street. Taken in combination with other drugs or with alcohol, even drugs normally considered safe can cause death or serious long term consequences.

Besides death, long-term effects are possible.

While many victims of drug overdose recover without long-term effects, there can be serious consequences. Some drug overdoses cause the failure of major organs like the kidneys or liver, or failure of whole systems like the respiratory or circulatory systems. Permanent brain damage can be a life-long result. Patients who survive drug overdose may need kidney dialysis, kidney or liver transplant, or ongoing care as a result of heart failure, stroke, or coma. Death can occur in almost any drug overdose situation, particularly if treatment is not started immediately.

What do we tell people about our child's OD?

The truth! Keeping silence about our traumatic loss only magnifies the pain. Telling the truth is one of the first steps to healing. Being discreetly open about our story may also reap for us a secondary gain by encouraging someone else experiencing their own trauma.

One caution. Some people will judge us or be critical of us as a parent, as if to blame us for the child's death. Others may be quick to give counsel. The advice is usually shallow and only adds to your pain. We will not always know who these people are. Just be prepared and if contact with them is necessary, keep it minimal with no expectations of empathetic understanding. If contact is not necessary and they are insensitive people, don't feel obligated to share with them. However, the benefits of breaking silence far outweigh the damage of insensitive or ignorant people.  This can also be an opportunity to educate those who are not knowledgeable about addiction and overdose.

How do I handle the painful feelings?

Some of the common feelings are listed below. They need to be identified and processed so that the parent who has lost a child can regain emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.

Guilt. Guilt is a predominant grief emotion.  It is a normal part of any grief process and is experienced in different ways by different people.

"I made many mistakes as a parent. His suicide is my fault." Yes and No. Yes, we all make a lot of mistakes in the parenting process. That does cause guilt that needs to be processed. Did our mistakes cause the child to take his life? No! That was his choice to handle life in a lethal manner.

Processing guilt means facing it, asking and receiving of God's forgiveness and in a sense, forgiving oneself. This procedure is usually more productive if done in the presence of significant others - our spouse and someone with spiritual authority. Processing guilt is not an exercise that is finished quickly!

Anger. Grief can evoke anger…including irritability and bitterness. Anger is a part of the grief process.  Anger can result in aggressive and irrational behavior that is uncharacteristic to the survivor.  It often has four sources:

1.The supplier of the alcohol or drugs. Homicidal thoughts can frequently become an obsession within the parent of the deceased child.

2. The spouse. In our tendency to fix blame, we often point the finger at a spouse who was either too lenient or too tough on the child.  (Many marriages end in divorce after a suicide or overdose.  Professional grief counseling can help and is a must.)

3. The child. This source is subtler and often denied. "How can I be angry at a dead child?" We are angry because of the pain the drug/alcohol overdose is putting us through.  “We feel as though we have been deserted by our child.  They left us with all the pain and anguish.  Our world is turned upside down.  Children are supposed to bury their parents, not parents burying their children.

4. God. He claims to be all-powerful. He could have stopped the foolish act.  It is okay to cry out to God and tell Him, “It’s not fair.”  Jesus did when He said, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?”  A deep expression of anguish is appropriate at a time like this.

Processing anger means being honest with oneself in facing it and then "letting it go." Grief is a process not an event.  It is ongoing.  Grief reactions are directly related to the intensity of the relationship regardless of how common or rare they may be.  Each individual experiences the process differently and each must respect the others’ grief journey even though they are not the same.  An oft-repeated prayer would sound something like, "Father, I am so angry at ____ for being dead. Soften my heart. Empower me to let it go - to give up my rights to have life run the way I would like." As with guilt, processing anger can take considerable time - weeks and sometimes months.

Shame. "Other people are probably thinking I'm a bad parent. What are they saying about me?" This reveals an all too natural ego/pride problem that we all must resolve or it can emotionally debilitate us.

Processing shame involves differentiating between guilt (I was not a perfect parent - I made mistakes) and shame (I'm a bad person.) Besides making the mental distinction between the two, productively handling guilt removes much of the shame issue. The final touch is giving up the image of being a perfect parent.

Loss. The pain of loss is sometimes overwhelming (and depressing.) Along with the other emotions, there is no quick fix for loss. The "benefit" of loss is that it can propel one to profound intimacy with God, who is the only authentic source of comfort. Out of that growing intimacy comes a deepening sense of peace and acceptance.

Depression.  Grief is an internal experience.  It is difficult to comprehend the feelings that one experiences in bereavement.  A survivor can turn their grief experience inward and become depressed.  The most typical symptoms would be fore the survivor to sense feelings of sadness, being unhappy, feeling hopeless or discouraged and not being able to overcome these feelings.  If this occurs the survivor should consult with a counselor and medical doctor immediately.

What is the impact on the dead child's siblings?

Unnerving. They must be encouraged to process the same feelings the parent has. In a sense, they experience double grief.  In a sense they experience double grief.  They grieve for the lost sibling and they grieve for the loss and hurt that they see their parents experiencing.

Furthermore, the looming question can haunt them, "Will I do something that drastic?" Establishing a line of communication that will encourage them to understand and share what they are thinking and feeling is of utmost importance.

A survivor's support group of some nature is recommended, not only for parents but also for the siblings. Survivors of Suicide, Compassionate Friends and Dougy Center are three examples. Information can be gathered at their websites: www.survivorsofsuicide.com  www.compassionatefriends.org  www.Dougycenter.org and www.narconon.org 

Its not the end of the world, but it feels like it.

"I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy," may be the thought you are experiencing after the loss of your child. For those who deny the pain or don't process the grievous emotions, the distress has life-long crippling effects. For parents who work through the destructive emotions and return their focus to a loving God who promises that He will work all things together for their good, the whole experience (though extremely painful) is a strengthening, character building personal course. You will see God do wonderful things in your life and you will be a powerful life force of encouragement for those who observe you.

God has promised to be with us in every life situation - good or bad - and when we continue to cast every burden on Him He continues to work in our lives.

           (back to top)

Grandparents to the Rescue

            "I can no longer help my son but I can help my grandson." These heartbroken words of a middle-aged man resonated with pain as he described his son who was in jail for drug violations. He is one of  nearly 2.5 million grandparents in the United States who are the primary caretakers of more than 4.5 million grandchildren, according to the 2000 census. The statistics also indicate that 5.8 million grandparents have their grandchildren living with them. Thirty-nine percent of the grandparent caregivers have taken care of their grandkids for five or more years. In Michigan alone, 60,000 grandparents care for their grandchildren because of the parents' abuse of drugs. In Orange County, CA the number is 18,000 such grandparents.
            Teen pregnancy, poverty, drug abuse, death, imprisonment and mental illness have rendered parents incapable of caring for their children. This phenomenon crosses socioeconomic boundaries - from the rich to the homeless.
            Though preventing the child pain of foster care, and saving taxpayers an estimated $6.5 billion a year, these grandparents experience a heavy financial drain and also face the tough challenge of testifying against their children in court in order to win custody of the grandchildren.

            The grandparents' physical health takes a toll also. A study of 13,392 women caring for grandchildren indicated that the risk of heart disease for women reporting nine or more hours of child care per week was 55% higher than women providing no care to grandchildren. However, in those grandmothers caring for grandchildren, having a job outside the home appeared to decrease this risk somewhat.

            Some grandparents live in fear that the parent will take the child back before he or she is ready. If the parent never visits, there is lingering pain. How to affirm the child is a challenge when he/she is being rejected by the parent. Legal aspects of guardianship, foster parenting and adoption are usually unknown.
            An often-expressed regret is missing out on being grandparents. As committed as they are to their grandchildren, there still is the feeling of "this isn't what I planned." That sense of loss is especially painful when their own child failed as a parent. It is exhausting to raise a child at a later age. According to one grandmother, "Naps may become a luxury."
            You’re Not Alone, an organization that ministers to pastors who have children abusing drugs or alcohol, has completed a survey of grandparents who are caretakers for their grandchildren whose parents abuse drugs or alcohol.
 

The anguish was obvious. Some questions the grandparents asked  in response to the questionnaire were:

x    What can you really do or how can you handle it when the grandchildren are living in a home where both parents abuse alcohol and "bombs" drop there daily and neither parent will go for treatment or stop drinking?

x    My husband and I are raising our 8-year-old granddaughter while her mother is living her life out with a man and his three daughters. My daughter admitted using marijuana but doesn't admit other drugs, but her body says it. She wants us to leave her daughter with her several hours a week at her 'home' where strangers come and go from their home and jail. I do not like it, but I am struggling with refusing the visit. My husband and I are in conflict. We want her to come to our home to visit our granddaughter. Is it enabling to do it her way?

x    How do you tell grandparents when you know this may be upsetting that other grandchildren may be lying to them and stealing from them?

x    I am raising my 16-year-old grandson. My daughter is a cocaine addict. I have not had contact with her for 14 years. I have had my grandson since he was six months old. He wants to meet his mother. I am frightened to allow them to meet. What should I do?

Grandparents' agony can be severe.

             And yet, there can be a healthy pride, as demonstrated by this grandparent.
 

            We have raised a granddaughter for 20 years without financial help. She just graduated from college. For 11 years she was in special education. She was a cheerleader in high school and junior college. She was on the swim team and played water polo in high school. Her mother was never around but did see her graduate from college. At the time we took her into our home our city would rather have put her in a foster home than have her live with grandparents. We are quite proud of our granddaughter.

The first series of questions we asked of the surveyed grandparents pertained to the theme:
 "Initial Discovery."

            "How did you determine the child was being hurt that prompted you to intervene? What were the circumstances? Was there one precipitating event? What action did you take? Was Protective Services informed, and if so, how long did you wait to inform? How many miles separate you from the grandchild and are you even able to help?"

            Responses to these questions are best summed up with the following reports.

The single event.

x     I received a call from the local police department to come and pick up my grandson. My daughter was being arrested for possession of cocaine, and child endangerment.

x    The child was dropped off at my house when she was three, after she was taken away from her mother by Children's Protective Services because of neglect.

Multiple events.

x    There was no one event -- but many. We knew both parents loved the children, but they weren't parenting, they weren't working, and they weren't providing. The first intervention was a warning, which was not heeded. Finally, we met with the Department of Human Services to discuss the issue -- but the problems continued. Much more was written by these particular grandparents about the frustration of working with Protective Services who would do nothing proactive. They needed more evidence that the children were being harmed - not just the grandparents' concern. We had documented the evidence very graphically - to no avail.

x    We had seen our grandchild pretty much daily since birth, and were hopeful our daughter could raise him as a single mother. However, there were signs of concern with auto safety, tension with apartment neighbors and management, even police at her door. We intervened to take custody, telling our daughter she could live alone, get help or contact our CSD (State Child Services Division) herself.

The second series of questions pertained to:

"Protecting The Grandchild's Welfare."

            "Who has custody of the grandchild/grandchildren at this time? Is the grandchild in any danger at this time? Are there other options for the child's adoption? (Other than grandparents adopting?) If you have not adopted the child, what steps must the parent take to receive custody? Are there other steps you are taking or need to take for the benefit of your grandchild? Is the child allowed to see his/her parent? If so, on what basis? Are there protective boundaries? Does the other set of grandparents have visitation rights or is there a more flexible arrangement for more influence and help? Why doesn't the child's 'other' parent have custody?"
            "Legal guardianship or custody is the key to the kingdom when it comes to accessing services for children that everyone takes for granted," explained Mary Bissell, an attorney for the Children's Defense Fund. However, in our survey, we saw the gamut of guardianship responses from, My drug abusing child still has custody of our grandchild and DHS won't do anything about it, to full guardianship, to adoption.

Some responses to the protection of the grandchild were:

x    I have guardianship of my grandson. He has not seen or heard from his mother since he was 2 years. old. I do not know who the father is, my  daughter was with several men during that time, using drugs heavily and was unable to name the father. I am a single grandparent raising my grandson, now 16 years old.

x    Their mother is the current caretaker who has custody but she continues to use and abuse. Today, she was to start a job -- but did not show.  Why should she work, when she can work the system?  The biggest danger is emotional trauma. There is also risk if the mother passes out, they could harm themselves. They are also not in a safe neighborhood -- but a bad part of town next to a factory and within walking distance of a number of bars and known drug dealers. If DHS takes the children, they are supposed to go into the foster care system. We have a notarized statement from our son stating his desires that they go to live with his parents. Unfortunately the mother (they are not married) has a similar legal document. The maternal grandparent knows "the system" and has trained her daughter well. Custody by the grandparents would be a battle; the best solution would be for one (or both) of the parents to get sober and become responsible. If that does not happen, it will be hard to keep the grand kids out of the foster care system. From a legal standpoint, the best we can hope for is visitation -- in spite of attempts by us to put their welfare first. I continue to see them and spend time with them. It is hard for them to understand why their dad isn't there -- and why their mom "sleeps" all of the time.
            Options other than adoption seemed to vary, ranging from both sets of grandparents battling over

the child, to grandparents battling with Protective Services, to warfare with foster care, to permanent guardianship.

            Most of the children in the survey could see their parent(s), some only under supervision. Some parents were not interested in contact with the child, others were incarcerated, others would not meet the condition of sobriety for meeting the child.

            There appeared to be very little contact or cooperation between both sets of grandparents for the welfare of the child. Most contact was adversarial.

            The non-custodial parent usually didn't have custody because they were abusers themselves; or, because of divorce or illegitimacy, the other parent wasn't around.

The third series of questions related to:

"The Child."

            "Do you talk to the grandchild about their drug-dependent parent? If so, how do you talk to the grandchild about their drug-dependent parent? How do you give money to the grandchild without the parent getting it for drugs? Do you feel you must choose between child and grandchild to help the grandchild?"
            Responses varied regarding talking to the grandchild about their parent. Some were too young to understand. Others said they communicated at the age level of understanding.

x    I have always been open and honest with my grandson about the circumstances surrounding his mother, her drug use, my lack of knowledge about his father, and how he came into my care. We have a very open, honest and strong  relationship.

x    Another said, We talk often. Because of her parents drug abuse and her own ADHD (which she blames on her parents) she is adamantly against drug use.

x    I have told her how they both started skipping school, then running away, peer pressure, didn't graduate, starting doing drugs when 15, and she can see the effects that it has had on them and on her.

The money issue

x    I wouldn't give her money if they were around as her dad took all her piggy bank money and gift money when she was with him. I would buy her what she needs.

x    we buy diapers, clothes, take them for treats -- but no longer give money.

Choosing between child and grandchild

x    I choose the grandchild.

x    Fortunately, my son is now taking steps to help himself, but there is no way to know if it will be successful. (He has tried and failed before.)

x    I reached a point when my grandson was 6 months old that I could no longer help my daughter, but I wanted and needed to focus on the well being and care of my grandson.

The fourth set of questions addressed:

"t