Enabling

Parents of drug/alcohol abusers often enable because they love their children and want the best for them.  We enable when we cover and make excuses for the abuser and don’t let him/her face the consequences of his/her actions.  However, enabling must be stopped.  Although the parents’ motives are pure, the effect of their actions is to deny the abuser the responsibility of seeing the error of his/her ways.  Parents must “learn to let pain do its work.”

Anger

Anger—or misdirected anger—can be directed at many targets: the child, the drug dealer, society, one’s spouse, or the church that is not sensitive to the pain of the parent.  Nevertheless, the parent must assume responsibility for his/her own anger and deal with it.  If left unchecked, the anger is very destructive.  It has been said, “Hurt feelings only hurt us in the end.”  The same is true with our anger.

Acceptance

Acceptance means we begin to apply the three C’s: (1) I did not cause this; (2) I cannot cure this; and (3) I cannot control this.  When we get to this stage, we begin to reach out to God and ask for His intervention in the life of our child.  We come to the realization of what we can and cannot control.  We accept the fact of our child’s abuse.  This realization allows us to pray harder and focus more of our energy on our own spiritual, emotional and mental health, while asking and trusting God for His intervention in the life of our child.

Marital Tension

Often parents are challenged in relating to one another.  Our basic temperaments cause us to respond or react to our kid’s abuse in different ways.  Our reactions and responses may vary across a broad spectrum: from practicing faith and feeling peace to wanting to control everything and feeling worried.  If these temperament differences are not recognized and dealt with as soon as possible, the parents’ marriage can suffer.  For help with this response, read Kim and Lynda Hodge’s talk entitled, "Carrying On When Your Heart is Broken" and John and Susan Vawter’s talk entitled, "How Drugs and Alcohol Impact Your Marriage."

Faith: Loving The Addict But Leaving Him/Her In God's Hands

When we begin to get our life in order; we realize that we can trust God with the life of our child.  Reaching the stage of trusting God is a tortuous journey, but we cannot give up hope.  Some call this response “detachment.”  The parent does not quit loving or caring for the child.  Detachment simply means the parent is learning to trust God and not be controlled by the abuser’s actions.  We find we often take two steps forward and one step backwards along the path to this response of faith.  As long as we understand that this is a goal, then we have something concrete to hang on to when the pain and grief are particularly intense or we are not doing so well in trusting God.  When we reach the highest level of this response, peace returns and anxiety, fear, and hostility melt away.  We trust the God Who loves our child more than we do to keep working in his/her life.  

In conclusion, these eight responses were taken from the voices of experience of parents who have traveled or are traveling this road.  Their words give a path of understanding for those parents involved with a child who is abusing.  No definite time frame exists for these parents.  Each will follow at his/her own pace and must be careful not to let others force him or her into an artificial time sequence.  A marriage partner must be careful not to project his or her response onto his or her spouse.  Recognizing that others have walked the road and have achieved some balance and faith in their lives will help those now on the journey. 

These eight responses are all descriptive.  In some cases, prescriptive solutions may be found in the Question and Answer section. 

One Day at a Time – For the Addict’s Parents

Parents of addicts also struggle with how to live “one day at a time.” Parents learning this principal have shared their journey with us. We consider it important reading and recommend it to you.

To view a description of these steps, click on the link(s) below:

Prayer and Devotion

• Have a daily devotional, ritual, prayer, reading, etc. to tell yourself how you will live, think and react today relative to trusting God with your child's addiction.  This "unplugs" the buttons of over-reaction and we are able to see and deal with the reality of the situation.
   
• Pray that Steps One and Two of Alcoholics Anonymous will become a reality in your child's life. Those steps say:
  
  Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable."
  
  Step Two: "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
  
  (Specifically pray that your child recognizes Jesus Christ as the One True Power in life.)
   
• Pray regularly and specifically: "God, you are in control.  I want to acknowledge that."
   
• Be aware of the reaction that stress can cause in us as parents.
   
• Spend time listening to praise music.  Let it minister to your soul.  This helps focus our attention on God and His character rather than the circumstances.
   
• Read one chapter of Proverbs every day and pray these truths back to the Father on behalf of your child.
   
• Some parents have had to pray in the morning and then put their child out of their mind in order to get any work done during the day.  They say they felt disloyal to their problem child but had to be faithful to their work, their other kids and supplying the material needs, etc. of the entire family.
   
• Focus on God and the beauty He creates everyday.  Focusing on Him deepens our faith that He can work in our child's life.
   
• Some parents have been helped by Brennan Manning's book, Ruthless Trust: The Geography of Nowhere.

The Parents' Thought Process

• We must decide beforehand--as best we can--what we will do and how we will react to situations that occur today.
   
• I have been created in the image of God and I must consider what that means.  If I lose sight of this, then I lose sight of my need for God to be working in my life.
   
• I prepare for anything. I will not be naive about my child's abuse. I will try to anticipate surprises.
   
•  I will endeavor not to give into the naive hope that the situation is not as bad as it genuinely is.
   
• I will recognize that it is a most delicate balance between living in faith for my child's future and accepting the reality of the situation.
   
• I will endeavor to remember that love hopes the best and that without faith it is impossible to please God while remembering the gravity of the situation and the reality of the data about drugs.
   
•  I will endeavor to understand that this type of crisis builds or diminishes faith
   
• I will endeavor to remember that a crisis is a test of character and measures one’s willingness to grow.
   
•  I will commit to doing the hard work of living one day at a time.

One Day at a Time

• The fact that my child is an addict can take away my hope for the future.  This is why I must learn to live the reality of “One Day At A Time” in order to believe God for hope for the future.
   
• Any one day can be filled with stress and disappointment, but we must remember that we build faith, strength and hope one day at a time.
   
• One man says he did not live one day at a time. He let his naiveté and his son’s situation lead to passivity. The two played off each other. Instead of mainstreaming objectivity and being realistic, he simply ducked the tough issues.
   
• Be sure to remember the words of Jesus in Matthew 6:34 about letting tomorrow take care of itself.  Do not forget to rely on Him today.  The “One Day At A Time” principle is for the addict’s parent as well as the addict.

Important Marital Issues

• Because our child’s addiction can test our marriage, it is vital that we keep asking: “How is our marriage doing?”
•  Ask your spouse: “Are we walking in agreement on how to handle this crisis?” If you are not, take steps to get there. Those steps may include agreeing to disagree but we must treat each other with love and respect.

Taking Care of Yourself

• Process your feelings.  Some do this by journaling and some do it by talking to a counselor or trusted friend.  This processing helps us see how God is using the pain in our lives.
   
• Enlist genuinely spiritually minded, non-judgmental people to be around you to spend focused intercession on behalf of your addicted child.
   
• Share with others but since parenting is an individual thing be sure to be yourself.
   
• As we share our pain and God’s sustenance in the midst of it with others, God will open new doors of ministry, as people believe we would understand their pain.  This is the validity of 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
   
• Keep pressing toward the goal of  “Letting Go” or “Detachment” as some call it.  This does not mean we do not love our children.  And, it does not mean that we do not care.  It just means we realize and accept the fact our child is the one who ultimately will have to decide whether or not they are going to quit using and come back to God. 

Trusting in the Loving God to be at Work

• Because our child’s addiction can test our marriage, it is vital that we keep asking: “How is our marriage doing?”
•  Ask your spouse: “Are we walking in agreement on how to handle this crisis?” If you are not, take steps to get there. Those steps may include agreeing to disagree but we must treat each other with love and respect.

“You’re Not Alone” Commissions Studies

”You’re Not Alone” has completed two research studies.  One of the studies is with pastors’ kids who have abused drugs/alcohol.  The other study is with the pastors to ascertain how their kids’ abuse affected their church ministry.  Both a short and long version are available.

To view, print, or forward a copy of the study with pastors’ kids, click here.
To view, print, or forward a copy of the study with pastors, click here.