Adopted Kids

For Adoptive and Prospective Adoptive Parents

A Survey of Adoptive Parents who have Children Abusing Drugs/Alcohol

Survey Results for Information, Encouragement and Anticipatory Adoptive Guidance   

           “’Your adopted children would either be dead or in jail,’ were the words of a counselor who encouraged us regarding our diligent parenting of our adopted children who abuse drugs and alcohol. I think that helped us realize the enormity of what we were dealing with, but still…what a burden to bear, and an ache in our hearts as we were so bonded to them and seemingly unable to help them.”

            This adoptive parent who responded to a survey on adopted children who abuse drugs / alcohol went on to say that before the adoption she believed that environment was the key to successful parenting. Now her experience tells her that, “We now strongly agree with the presence of genetics that bring on the problems that can come with the child. The same genes that existed in their birth parents and brought about their unplanned birth are existent in the behavior choices of the child.”

            This echoed the sentiments of most of the parents who responded to the survey. They were unprepared for the ordeal of parenting an abusing adopted child.

           However, taking a cursory glance at a few of the 307 million websites that appear when “adoption” is searched on Google, very little is mentioned about the potential anguish that can be experienced when parenting an adoptive child. Potential parenting pain with the adopted child is rarely if ever mentioned in most web sites.

            For information, encouragement and anticipatory adoptive guidance, You’re Not Alone, an organization that ministers to parents who have children abusing drugs or alcohol, has completed a survey of adoptive parents who have children abusing drugs or alcohol. (In reporting the responses, names and identifying circumstances have been changed for confidentiality.)

            The anguish was obvious. Some responses to the survey’s question, It would be normal to have thought, “I made a mistake adopting this child.” Did you ever experience this, and if so, how did you handle it?

• No. We had many supernatural signs and prophetic words about raising these kids. Someone has to raise these kinds of kids. I just wish the agencies would have been more honest about what to expect. They KNOW these kids don't bond and there's no money for unbelievably expensive attachment therapy. We tried "at home" attachment therapy. Apparently it did not work. ·         Yes, it would be normal to experience the feeling that I had made a mistake in adopting any of the children at many times...but I knew that God had led me to adopt them and that He is in control.  I also have at times felt that it was a mistake to have had my biological children or to have married when they have disappointed me...that is normal and does not reflect how I actually feel...it is a fleeting emotion that passes.  My normal and overall attitude is that we are blessed.
  
  
• I think my wife has had more of those kinds of thoughts than I have. When I am faced with our weakness as parents and as a family I take it to the Lord and remind him that it was His will to put them here for His purposes.  He knew fully what we were like and what we would be like in the future.  I think my wife tends to think a lot about our weaknesses as a family and as individuals.  Yes, we were far less than perfect, but still had a lot to offer.
  
  
• Well, I suppose.  Mostly in the context of, “Was I the best parent for his personality?”  But I always came back to the thought that we were.
  
  
• I didn't think that we had made a mistake in adopting, but know others close to us did feel that way, so we were constantly trying to prove to them that he was accepted by us and things were not quite as bad as what they were thinking ( but it was.)  We tried to keep ' the family name' in tact!  So we found that we couldn't share our feelings much with them. Leaders of groups and clubs he was involved in, often judged us and told us we were bad parents. Hence, we became protective towards him and found it difficult to judge what was a true report or exaggerated story of his behavior.
  
  
• I thought for most of my son's life that the adoption was a mistake. But I trusted that God would bring "water out of the desert" in his life and mine as a result. I had seen Him do this so many times, like in my marriage. I have learned that what I sometimes consider the biggest mistakes are the very things God used the most to bring me close to Him...to make me into the person He created me to be.
  
  
• Yes, then I would remember God gave us these kids for a reason.
  
  
• Not a mistake--we were very sure God sent him to us.  But we have often wondered why God chose us to be his parents.  We have both felt so inadequate in so many ways.
  
  
• Never. We have not regretted that choice once. It’s been so good for our family. In spite of all the pain, all my other children want to adopt some day. They know there is great potential for “failure” and rejection, but they are still open to it.
  
  
• YES!  I have not handled this very well.  I still feel that way many days.

Responses to the survey indicated tremendous parenting pain.

It was interesting to note that a number of the respondents were evasive or didn’t answer the question, “Was adoption a disappointment to you?” Can it be surmised that acknowledging disappointment would be inappropriate, even though many parents go through tough situations with all children and want to “give them back?”

Of the families responding to the survey, the youngest adoption was at 2 days, the oldest was at 16 years of age. The average adoptive age was two months. Forty four percent of the respondents did not have biological children. Nine percent had one; thirty three percent had two; nine percent had five biological children. (One family had eight adopted children.)  Seventy-two percent indicated that the adoption was in part infertility motivated. Two were international adoptions. The remainder were domestic from foster care, child welfare, private adoption and Christian adoption agency.

            Half the families had no prior knowledge of the child’s parentage. Twenty-eight percent had parentage knowledge and eighteen percent had partial knowledge.  

           The first question asked on the survey that pertained to drug / alcohol abuse was:  Is there a known history of d/a abuse in the child’s biological family? If so, did you know about it before the adoption? How did the birth mom describe any alcohol use during pregnancy in terms of quantity AND during which months of pregnancy?

Some of the responses:

• Both adopted kids had fathers and mothers who were alcoholic; mother was even drunk at the birth of son. BPD (Bipolar Disorder) on both sides.
• Both parents were alcoholic. All the mothers of my adopted children drank during pregnancy. Yes, though the mother said very little to us.
• We had no idea since the mother was about 15 at the time of birth.  The mother made no contact with my son until he was 21 and she asked for drug money, which he dutifully sent.  She told him that she was on drugs at the time of his birth (we can’t confirm).
• He came to our home as a foster child. His mother had not yet signed relinquishment papers. We were told that the mother had used drugs, and was giving her child up for adoption, because she was afraid she would forget about her child, and fail to care for him.

The question was asked: Has your child been evaluated for Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD)? If so, what was the result?

• Seventy-five percent were not evaluated. Fifty-six percent indicated that there is a history of d/a abuse in their own family.
• Nine percent had biological children abusing d/a.

The question was asked, Has your child wanted to see his/her biological parents and if so, what were the results?

      Some responses:         

• My two daughters cut it off in late teens, sick of biological mom's excuses and dysfunctional behavior. She still tries to see them, they both deny her access.
• My son and his sister saw their biological mother every Christmas and summer of growing up since she got out of jail. Sometimes we had to deny visits as mom showed up “falling over drunk.” I don't regret my own generosity in doing this, but it has currently resulted in her "taking over" as mom. Both her / our kids are spending Christmas with her and without our family for the first time. We just found out she is having them both move in now and help support her. We're not happy!
• Both children have seen all their relatives, the girl has an on-going relationship with her biological mother. At this point the boy has no time for his biological parents
• Has seen her but not followed through in seeing her more.
• Didn't care to make contact, but when biological grandmother made contact with us, he responded and met once. Pleasant, but left further contact to be made by us.
• Our son met his birth mother after he turned 18 (legal age that our agency suggested). She had moved out of state and now lived only a few hours drive from us. We (and our daughter) were present with him when we went to meet her, and her two biological bi- racial children. She has been divorced two times, and is getting married again to a Christian man in her church in January. We will all be present for the wedding.  There have been several meetings since then and all have all been positive. Our son met his maternal biological grandparents when they were out West visiting. The birth mother and birth grandmother keep in touch sporadically with our son, and with us. We have learned that Bipolar Disorder runs in his maternal family background. His birth mother has strongly affirmed her love for our son. Her greatest desire was to give him life and a complete family that could care and love him—in a way that she couldn’t at that time of her life. We applaud and honor her for her brave choice, and have always taught that truth to our children.
• Our daughter started asking to meet her birth mom at the age of 12. On the agency’s advice, she first corresponded with her birth mother by letters that went through the office. First names were learned at this time. By the age of 15, and after professional counseling (to ensure she was ready), we took her back East to meet her birth mother (still in the town where she was born), and birth father (who lived nearby). Many meetings have followed, both in the East and at our home here in the West. All have been extremely positive. Both birth parents came out (separately) to attend our daughter’s high school graduation, and to stay in our home with the rest of our family who came for the event. Consistently, they e-mail and talk to her (and us) on the phone. They too have affirmed their love to give her life, and the best future they could imagine. The birth Mom has been divorced two times, and now married for the third time for about 5 years. She has 4 children (our daughter included) by 4 different fathers. She has had a rough journey but seems stable and more at peace now. The birth mother’s background and family history seem the most similar with a lot of our daughter’s behavior though never diagnosed as Bipolar. The maternal birth grandmother also had a baby as a teen (our daughter’s birth mother), and was divorced once. She later remarried to a pastor, and has been married over 25 years. The birth dad has been married for 15 years to the same woman and has 2 children. He is stable, and productive in his life. His parents have met our daughter, and write to her occasionally. We also applaud and affirm the decisions these birth parents made to place our daughter for adoption. We like all the birth parents a lot, and have good relationships with them. They have all acted in the role of advocate (of us, and to our children) through some very turbulent times.
• He hasn’t asked but we found his birth mother. She sent pictures but he hasn’t contacted her.
• Has connected with mother some and wants to know where his dad is.
• Yes, she wanted to contact her mother and initially wanted to see her but after talking frequently on the phone, our child decided that her biological mother was very immature and though she met her biological grandparents and an aunt (they too see little of the biological mother of our adopted child) our child has lost interest in seeing or meeting her biological mother.

Seventeen percent of the respondents indicated that their child asked about biological parentage but didn’t follow through. Twenty-two percent haven’t asked. 

 Discovery

The survey asked, How did you learn of the adopted child’s d/a problem?
      Some brief responses were:

• Found evidence and was drunk. She told me about it.  He was open about it after he left home at 17.  School administrator called me.  From the police in the middle of the night.  Noticed change to secrecy and indifference to family.  Came home stoned.      School counselor in junior high.  Suspicion led to his admission.  Came home drunk and / or stoned.  Stealing from us – caught on a recorder in his room. 
• Observation.  Found in his room. 

More detailed responses were:

• I recognized some unusual behavior, and caught her in lies when we checked up on her stories. She was always very social and slightly hyper as a child, so it was hard to tell how “different” a drug related behavior was from her norm. I checked through her room constantly because of the lies. It caused us not to trust her. We found notes to people about her participation in immoral behavior. Then, we found a glass pipe in her room, wrapped up and hidden in a container. Later, after telling us she was done with drugs, I found another pipe. It was not until months later, after rehab, that she told us all the things she was into, including selling some drugs at school.
• We first discovered that she was struggling with an eating disorder in her early teens. We did not discover the drug use until after she’d had a baby and went off the deep end dealing with that loss – placing it up for adoption
• As far as we know she used marijuana in high school and we basically found out about it through her bragging / admittance of trying it at a party. She also admits to drinking during this period without our knowledge. We haven't felt that it was abuse in the technical sense in that she did not, to our knowledge go beyond this usage.
• We never knew she was ‘abusing drugs’ until after she was in a Christian teen residential center. She had said, and we believed, that she had just experimented on several occasions. Her misbehaviors were varied—lying, stealing, running away from home, drug and alcohol use, sexual misconduct, impulsive actions, and a teen pregnancy (all happened over several years). Those are all symptoms of Bipolar Disorder which a counselor had suggested possible but we didn’t know for sure yet. She also struggled with abandonment issues from her adoption (discussed with a counselor, but not resolved, and still being discussed today). Drug (and some alcohol) abuse were a part of that behavior mix but they stopped after the Residential Center. The other misconducts continued (some stealing even after the pregnancy) which confirmed again connection with Bipolar Disorder. This has been a wicked illness—one hard to understand, and to get a hold of. There are so many types, and varied opinions of treatment.

Discovery of abuse was followed by: How did the child respond to your discovery of his/her d/a abuse?

            Half of the respondents said that denial was the child’s response to the discovery. The denial was often laced with anger.

            One fourth of the respondents said their child was relieved and wanted help. ”She had an excuse now because ‘mom and dad knew.’”

            Ten percent of the children just admitted it. Another ten percent were extremely angry at the discovery. Another response was, “No big deal.”  

The parents were asked, What was your first reaction when you discovered the d/a abuse? 

• Confrontation, restrictions, confronted the 7-11 store manager who sold to my underage child – took the child with me.
• Upset, relieved she was not at home, then felt guilty for being relieved. Hands off because he was outside of the house. Devastated, had been in the ministry 30 years.
• Sorrow.  We did some soul-searching, to see where we had gone wrong, worked through that, realizing that God was able to redeem all we did wrong, (we’re human, after all) then we just upped our prayers for our children.
• Personally disappointed and fearful of future, sought support group’s help.
• Heartbreak and many tears.
• Disbelief. Shock, relief and great sadness. Relief to finally know what was wrong with him. Sadness, grief. Anger. A mixture of sadness that she was turning to d/a for comfort and solace. Disappointment that we couldn’t help her and that our efforts to help her choose healthy paths had failed. Denial and anger.
• Surprised and gave tough love through parameters.

The question was asked, Did you or do you have feelings of disappointment in your adoption experience before any of the d/a problems? Have you felt that you never really bonded to the adopted child especially in comparison to biological children in the home?

• We bonded with them, their bonding with us is incomplete. We were working and praying hard and feeling hopeful throughout all experiences with our children. Huge disappointment has come now that all 4 are in their 20s. Not one of these 4 has really "adopted" us. They adapted to our home and Christian life to survive and they continue to adapt to any environment that will support them. At times it feels like we had a really long and difficult babysitting job. This Christmas, though we sent gifts to them, there was not a visit or a card or a call from them. They used to visit when we paid for it but now they are even turning that down. If you find any support group internet or otherwise for bitterly disappointed and or totally baffled adoptive parents PLEASE let me know. I have heard of this happening to adoptive parents of older children over and over again yet see nothing in print addressing it. I expected them, in their early 20s to thank us for all we went through with and for them. The efforts were HEROIC. Totally therapeutic nurturing and fun childhoods. All we get in return is criticism, conniving and efforts to live off us for the rest of their lives. Our greatest value to them is financial. They don't seem to feel with the same kind of feelings. Though raising my 4 nieces and nephew seemed overwhelming in the beginning it has become a huge compensation. Thank God we know what it is like to enjoy adult children and to experience thankfulness and appreciation and the joy of producing fruitful productive assets to this world and the next. If I had raised only my own relatives I would be a candidate for motherly sainthood. If I had raised only the 4 adopted kids I would be hanging my head in shame (and confusion) for whatever it was that I did wrong.
• Yes, I do have some feelings of disappointment with my adoption experience but I would do it all over again without hesitation and love all of my children no matter what disappointment I feel. There was a struggle with feeling that I had bonded to Jane (she never seemed to feel bonded to me until recently when she has manifested some signs of bondedness) and somewhat with feeling that Ruth was not bonding with me.  Ray is bonded but still somewhat holds himself aloof and independent more than I would consider normal for his age, yet he has never been a problem as far as the bonding feelings have gone for anyone in the family. 
• No, we have no regrets. I bonded with the child, my wife didn’t.    
• Yes. I would be less than truthful if I said, “no regrets.” At the same time our oldest daughter is also adopted and she is a delight (getting married in two months)
• Since he came to our home as a foster child, I made a special conscious effort to not withhold any kind of love from him, feeling that would not be fair to the child.  However, as soon as I heard that the birth mother had relinquished him for adoption, a huge wave of love poured out from me, that I didn’t even know I was holding back.  He was about 5 months old at the time.
• No, but constant feeling of frustration with trying to keep the peace and work out how much punishment suggested by leaders. We never denied the irritating behavior problem, just wanted to find some answer to change it. We bonded but felt we had to prove it.
• Bonding was the same; nurturing was minimal, because of so many other children. Basic needs met, little time for extras. We have had deep disappointment, and a sense of failure as parents, from the decisions our daughter has made, and our inability to stop / correct them. This is not just a drug abuse issue, but a mental disorder that causes impulsive actions, chaotic situations of which drug abuse was one resulting choice. My husband and I fully bonded with our daughter. It is our daughter that has had difficulty in bonding with us. But, we see a positive change in that relationship as the events of the past year (mostly our full encouragement and support through her pregnancy and placement of her son in an open adoption) brought her closer to us in the most vulnerable time of her life. We have a close bond with our son.
• My husband (who died last year) was very disappointed and wished we would not have adopted children. I always felt that the benefits of children outweighed the problems with them.

• No, not at all. I even nursed her for a while so she and I would bond. She slept in our room. I carried her in a snuggly carrier all the time for about 8 months so she would feel close and to know my heart beat, smell and voice.
• She seemed to be attached well until the fifth grade. We talked about adoption openly. She had friends who were also adopted. I did research to know all I could. We read books about adoption to her. I made a special book telling her story that we would read and she loved it. She got angry a few times as a child and tried to hurt us with things she’d say about being adopted. But we told her it didn’t matter that we loved her and would adopt her over again 1000 times.

Restorative action

How did you develop a strategy for your child’s restoration?

General responses incorporated research, advice, counseling, prayer, support groups.

Specific responses included: 

• I’m always there for him, yet I have also allowed the consequences of his actions to play out (he did jail time that I could have averted).
• I have no strategy.  I pray continually for God to reach in behind the chemicals and touch him at the core of his being.
• We read books, researched online, talked to people / professionals, and continued to take her (and us) for counseling—not just for meeting her birth parents but for a variety of misbehaviors. We had always been diligent to know where she was, and who she was with but now we knew that they were all fabricated lies, and the heart-felt assurances that she would “do the right thing” were also lies. The kids we thought were good, were not (even though we always had them in our home), and some parents who we thought were being responsible when the kids were in their care, were not. Church kids were no better than school kids. We switched her from a public high school to a private Christian high school but that was no better—in some ways it was worse. The kids there (predominantly) were from rich families with more accessible money for them to use for drugs, parties and be involved in misconduct. It was a boy from that school that pressured her into her first act of intercourse. Rumors of pregnancy via her peers reached other people (who then called us). This was how we found out about that sexual incident. The rumors were unfounded, but it gave us the truth to now confront her.
• We were constantly in prayer, turning child completely over to God which was not easy to do, kept wanting to "solve" problem myself.
• Counseling – didn’t help.
• On the advice of an experienced counselor and another friend we got her to an outstanding treatment facility. It was difficult but she agreed to go. It probably saved her life. It was terribly hard for her being in a treatment center for nine months. To our knowledge she has not used drugs since. We do think she uses alcohol a little and is married to an alcoholic. She’s in a very hard place again.

• She was in legal trouble, we asked the authorities to require rehab.

Survey respondents were asked, What was your plan of action? Did it include counseling? If counseling, was it secular / psychiatric based, Biblical counseling based, or a combination of both? What were the results?

The lengthy replies included:

• PLAN: Plenty of counseling, all kinds, tough love, natural consequences (like losing car forever after drunken crash.)

RESULTS: John is an alcoholic with severe liver damage at only 25 years of age. Our other son Sam, may be Bipolar with suicidal depressions and euphoric highs, in addition to all hallmarks of BPD. He drinks to near death if he has the money for it and he uses meth and cocaine when he can afford it, plus mooches marijuana off friends. We know EXACTLY how he is living from his Xanga and My Space sites which he does not know we can see. I recently stopped checking though as we have to let them go and keep up in prayer only. My husband says, "How long can we keep talking when nobody's listening? How long can we keep chasing kids who do not want to belong?” I agree. We are praying now and trying not to think about them too often. It's too depressing and I refuse to surrender my whole life to kids who don't care. 

• Plan: We tried every kind of counseling available....secular, biblical, individual group, residential and institutional with Kris and Kandi.

  RESULTS: The girls considered it a "sport" to watch us spend money and time trying to help them and never cooperated with any of the counseling we made available until residential treatment in a Christian institution.  They both initially accepted that counseling and help and then both rebelled against it and wandered away from the things they had learned there as soon as they got out.  Both of them are now showing signs of returning to the values and truths taught to them while there.

            Kandi is confused and living with a boyfriend at age 19 without even a GED.  She is attempting to get a GED, has settled down in her behavior, is making very strong efforts to establish a healthy and warm relationship with her whole family, seeks our counsel and advice but does not make good choices and shows weakness of inner fortitude or character when faced with actual decisions.  She constantly makes poor choices and illogical decisions without showing cause and effect thinking.  She has struggled with smoking but does not have a drug or alcohol problem to our knowledge.  She is diligent in her efforts to grow up wisely although she makes foolish choices with regularity.  Her logical thinking is flawed.

Kris has been living on the streets in another state and going through people who have tried to help her leaving a path of destroyed relationships, broken trust and bad behavior.  She has purposed to be as bad as she could imagine to be and has been in and out of three jails that we know of.  She has been deeply involved in criminal drug behavior.  She states that she has cleaned herself up, changed her behavior and is now working and holding a steady job.  She maintains contact with us at times and states remorse and desire to repair the relationship.  She states gratitude for what she was given but threw away and demonstrates a desire to prove to us that she can make her life a good one.  She has destroyed all trust but seems to want to build some trust back into the relationship although it is not close.

Adam is living at home but attends a boarding school in another state during the school year.  He is thriving in that environment and last year was the Battalion Commander of the entire middle school.  He is successful, cooperative and a delightful person.  He is close to both of his parents and each of his siblings, has many friends and is well-liked and loved by all who know him.

Jim is working, living in his own apartment and has a close relationship with his family.  He has a stable girlfriend and makes mostly good decisions.  He is struggling with learning how to manage his money but is learning.  He has struggled with smoking but has not developed a drug or alcohol problem.   He is cooperative and appreciative of his family.  He gives and receives love.  He is impulsive and emotional and sometimes makes foolish decisions but he learns from his mistakes eventually.  

• PLAN: There has been no direct counseling. He opposes any treatment or intervention.

RESULTS: nothing but sadness.           

• PLAN: Court mandated counseling never did improve the situation.

RESULTS: He vehemently opposed any kind of counseling or intervention. We do not believe that drugs are a controlling factor in his life.  Yet, I would never presume that he is using nothing.  As he has gotten older, our relationship is less confrontational, rather, he comes to me for advice and then does what he wants.  He has an apartment and struggles with direction and motivation, although he keeps telling me that he will get it together some day. 

• PLAN: We had biblical counseling and met with Teen Challenge at different stages of  the first 14 years. Then we met with a secular crisis center, but he was verbally abusive and never attended again.  We sought police and hospital help, and rang many crisis centers.

RESULTS: None for him as he couldn't see his problem. Now addicted to mind-altering drugs; has some interaction with his two children whom he has custody of by law, but we have raised them from 1yr old. They are now 9 and 10 yrs of age. Our results: frustration with caretaking. 

• PLAN: At first he was counseled at church counseling center, because our counselor thought he was just "self-medicating" his ADD, etc.  When nothing changed, we sent him to Teen Challenge, a Christian rehab program. He almost finished the program, when he relapsed.  Then we sent him to a secular rehab program in Louisiana where he stayed for 4 months.  Then he went to a half way house near Shreveport.

RESULTS: Nothing helped.  After a miraculous deliverance 3 and a half years ago, he is doing great!  His life is truly a miracle! He was instantly delivered from alcohol, drugs (many), cigarettes and sexual promiscuity. He loves God and helps others who struggle.

• PLAN: We double checked all her stories to us, and I periodically searched her room, and her purse/school bag when she was sleeping, or if left home by mistake. She was angry that I did this but it was the only way we found out just what she was going on—and she had proved herself no longer trustworthy. We ordered home test kits online and periodically drug tested her. All those times she was clean. One time she wasn’t—the explanation offered was feasible and a doctor agreed it could have been from a diet pill (we knew) she took. We catalogued her cell phone calls, grounded her, withheld privileges but always left room for her to say she was sorry (which was SO hard for her), and be able to build up trust with us again, and regain some privileges. Counselors wisely told us if we didn’t do that, there was no reason / hope for her to build a better future with us. Some of the counseling was with Christian counselors—if they were covered by our insurance plan. We tried some that were not Christian because a Christian counselor told us we needed someone with more specific training in psychoanalysis. Some anti- depressants were started at this time because of depression, and her talks of suicide. Counseling and meds helped some, but not enough to stop a spiral downward. We later learned she was into crystal meth, and had stopped the anti-depressant on her own. She ran away for a weekend, and we were frantic. When she came home (after some phone calls, and text messages later), she agreed to go to a Christian residential facility for her misbehaviors. We were not aware that she was on drugs—she later claimed to have done speed every day for over a month. She broke our trust (and hearts) MANY times. She will never understand the depth of that until she is a parent one day and is actually parenting her children. Being a mother has opened her eyes/hearts to many more things than before, and we see a lot of softening and appreciation of us as parents.

RESULTS: Her time at a residential facility in Texas (where our son spent a year) lasted for 4 months. She went through intensive counseling, testing and analysis. She was diagnosed as Bipolar and placed on a mood stabilizer and anti-depressant drugs. She was off of speed, and doing so much better. Her letters and phone calls to us were open, loving, remorseful, and hopeful to start anew. At that time, a new job venture came through for my husband—one which she was waiting / hoping for to get her away from negative influences in our home town. The residential facility wanted us to commit to leaving her there for 1 full year. Our resources were already very stretched, and we were hesitant to move, and leave her in Texas for another 8 months. We wanted her to stay at the facility until we physically moved but they were insistent that unless we committed to keep her there for the full year, she had to leave right then. We brought her home and she did home schooling (completing courses started in Texas) with our good friend / neighbor until we moved 2 months later. That went well until we learned that she could not enter the high school in our new state unless she was matriculated in a public high school prior to moving. Reluctantly, we let her re-enter her old public high school until we moved. We monitored her closely, and things went mostly good. She did not, and has not, returned to drugs. We regularly continued to drug test her. All tests were negative. The drug experience was so scary to her. It amazed her how hooked she had gotten, and she has been so careful NOT to go back to it, or go with people who do. We took her to intensive counseling (a Christian counselor recommended to us and on our insurance plan) two times a week (and some family counseling sessions), and weekly NA Teen meetings (at the counselor’s advice). In retrospect, I don’t think that was the best thing. Our daughter told us that some people were there by mandate of the court from drug charges, and not genuine. This put her in the close proximity to people / influences we wanted her far away from. Thankfully, it did not get her involved with drugs again. She tells me she doesn’t go near people who do speed, or go places where they are. Keeping her distance is safety for her. She is open to talk to us, and has been very graphic about much of what happened to her. Unfortunately, our problems with her continued regardless of the absence of drugs in her life. She doesn’t like alcohol, and so did not abuse that again. Her chaotic lifestyle continued in lying, stealing, and promiscuous behavior, sneaking out at night and running away. We took her to another residential facility nearer to our new home but she ran away from there after 8 days because they negligently left keys in a car. The “Christian” facility refused to let her return back to them. They also refused to return our pre-paid tuition money and forced us into a lawsuit (still pending) to try to get our money back. Julie was placed in a kid’s behavioral treatment hospital for 1 week. The team of doctors there confirmed her diagnosis of Bipolar, prescribed some new meds and released her to our care. We have followed up with a brain scan, new psychiatrists, and new mood stabilizer meds to control her destructive behavior. She seemed to respond well (for awhile) in her new state, new school environment. Then she got pregnant several months later by a local high school boy. He tried to convince her to abort but I intercepted notes of the intended date with Planned Parenthood in her purse. After much prayer (by us), and many talks, she finally decided to not abort. She was now in the exact same position as her birth mother (and grandmother) who were also pregnant at age 17. She had a decision to now make, about choosing parenting or adoption. This was the same choice she resented her own birth parents for making, never understanding how they could give her up (her words). She agreed to work with *** Christian Services, and eventually chose a family to participate with her in an open adoption. She had a high risk pregnancy (high blood pressure), and was pretty inactive for 6 mos., taking high school classes at home. We got connected with a psychiatrist at a children’s hospital to monitor the details/dangers of this pregnancy that occurred while on psychotropic drugs and presented a risk to the fetus.

We thank God that she gave birth by C-section to a healthy boy, and 3 days later placed him for adoption. That is by far the hardest thing she (and we) have ever experienced. We knew it was good, and right, but so gut wrenchingly hard to do. She picked a great family, and she has a fantastic relationship with them and their 2 ½ yr old adopted daughter. They e-mail and phone her, send pictures, and receive her when she (and we) goes to visit her son. This does not happen often as they live a distance from us. Our daughter is happy to know he (Andrew) is well, healthy, loved, and cared for with all that two stable parents (and support family) can give him. She continues in weekly counseling for med management / therapy for her disorder—professionals are still not sure if it is Bipolar, or conduct disorder. She graduated from high school in June. We had a turbulent summer of other misbehaviors that could have come from post partum depression, sadness of separation from Andrew, and / or reduction of an anti depressant. She got a part time job in September, and started community college for cosmetology training. She is doing really well—steady, secure, happy, sharing and loving with us. Meds are being modified as her condition continues to improve. The say she may grow out of this. It’s as good as it has ever been. We pray that it will last, and continue to improve on her journey to wholeness.  

• PLAN: Rehab then halfway house and intensive AA.
  
  

  RESULTS: Clean for a year, then relapse and now clean for 4 months.
We made him leave home.

• PLAN: Biblical based counseling and court ordered rehab for 3 months after a DUI.

RESULTS: Slow at first but finally successful. Now doing great. 

• PLAN: We tried everything from 'house arrest,"  removing the car, contracts, restriction of friends, rehabs., counseling etc. The first rehab was secular and the 2nd rehab was a Christian-based center. We were all hopeful at first. At 18 he went back to drugs (meth) quite soon.   The second time he and his wife were both addicts and went to rehab together. We took care of their 2 small boys a great deal of the time.   

RESULTS: Not very good.   He is now 34 and still does drugs occasionally and is always out of money.  He loses jobs rapidly and has never really matured. He loves his sons (now ages 11 and 13) and sometimes I feel his sons are raising their parents. He’s on welfare. 

• PLAN: We tried counseling--biblical.  Wasn't helpful.  Then we placed him in a residential Christian program for troubled teens.

RESULTS:  Fairly good at first.  But when he once again connected with old friends, it got worse. Finally at 23 he is trying to be responsible and grow up.  Making progress.  Still not walking with God.  Living with his fiancé.  Occasionally drinks or uses pot when circumstances get too bad.  For the most part not abusing.  Relationship with us is mostly good.  We continue to be supportive and encouraging, loving him while maintaining standards and values.  A hard line to walk. 

• PLAN: Counseling was secular.

RESULTS: Never good – he resisted it. Now is doing poorly – he will have nothing to do with us – best of my knowledge he may be homeless at this time. 

• PLAN: We tried counseling with her in the 6^th grade and had her on Prozac, which we found out found out later she flushed. She was furious that we would take her to biblical counseling. It made her feel inadequate. Then again we took her in her senior year as part of a contract we made with her to regulate her behavior. She agreed.

              RESULTS: It was helpful but she bolted when we talked about the abuse. She continues to make poor choices and is married to an alcoholic. 

• PLAN: We tried tough love, then an in-patient program, and an outpatient  program twice.

RESULTS: After 2 relapses he was clean for 6 or 7 years but recently started using again after a failed marriage. He’s not doing well. 

• PLAN: We asked her to go to counseling for years and she refused. We would prefer Biblical therapy but would have taken any thing, We were desperate. She went to rehab as an order of the court, and did well for about 1 year.

RESULTS: We are not sure how she is doing now.  She is better, but we still have concerns.

 

In trying to understand more of the dynamics of their challenge, parents were asked, Have any of the following possibly contributed to your child’s road to abusing d/a?

·         attachment challenges – 50 percent answered yes

·         developmental delays - 28 percent answered yes

·         language acquisition (international) - 6 percent agreed

·         social integration issues – 39 percent agreed

·         affects of long term institutionalization – 6 percent said yes

·         failure to thrive - 22 percent agreed

·         competition with your biological children for achievement or attractiveness – 44 percent concurred

·         learning disabilities – 44 percent experienced this category

·         fetal alcohol/drug exposure  - 28 percent knew for sure

·         sexual abuse in the biological or adoptive family - 28 percent agreed

·         physical abuse in the biological or adoptive family – 22 percent

·         post traumatic stress syndrome -11 percent

·         mental illness in the child or his/her biological family – 28 percent

·         undiagnosed medical problems before the adoption -17 percent

·         One person’s perspective: “I look at the d/a problems as a superficial problem related to unforgiveness. The items marked above would / could be some issues that he might be responding to. The root of most of these adoptive kids problems, at least the ones we have dealt with, is unforgiveness. They seem to develop an intense love / hate relationship with their birth mom. As long as this exists the males seem to have miserable relationships with women. The adoptive mother frequently becomes the target of intense aggression especially in the pre-adolescent and adolescent years.”