The Angry Addict
This article, written by Dr. Ray Burwick, is to help the parent of the addict understand how anger often plays a big part in addiction. It is also meant to help parents understand how their misunderstanding of anger might have affected their children. It is not too late to rectify the situation if indeed this article is relevant to where you are in relation to your child.
Unresolved anger – much of it hidden and some expressed very destructively, stands as a giant brick wall blocking the door to an addict’s recovery. After working with alcoholics and drug addicts, many of them having tasted prison life, I can affirm the wisdom of Mike Waltermire of the Nampa, Idaho Lighthouse Mission and Daniel Gorman of the Bakersfield, California Rescue Mission who say that the resolution of deep anger issues is one of the greatest challenges alcoholics and addicts face.
Gorman goes on to say if one would peel back all the onion layers of disparaging living in search for the root causes of why people are homeless and on the streets, the major cause is unforgiveness – the inability to forgive oneself or to forgive others. Issues of unresolved anger must be confronted, because anger that “spends the night” becomes resentment and bitterness that manifest themselves in an unforgiving spirit.
The trumpet is blaring. Ask for God’s grace and strength to face the extent of the angry wounds you carry. Ask God to plow up the entangled roots of resentment and begin to unravel the knots of frustation that are keeping you from living successfully. Until you do, your addiction will lie low like a slumbering giant ogre to be awakened by any contrary situation. Anger will seep out in the slightest form of irritation or erupt in a volcanic explosion of rage (even toward loved ones) or implode expressing itself in some form of spiritual/physical/mental/emotional/social dysfunction.
The Genesis of an Addict’s Anger
How did all the mishandling of anger begin in an addict’s life? Childhood home environments were often the culprit.
1. Repression
Parents who didn’t constructively express and resolve anger modeled the same for their children. Some taught that “nice guys” don’t get angry. They taught repression – the art of swallowing anger so quickly it is unrecognizable. Anger’s destructiveness usually took the form of a passive aggressive behavior (getting even with others through subtle maneuvers of revenge). For example, the person who is chronically late is often a person getting even with another who is very time conscious. Addiction has a strong component in many cases of getting even with someone to whom the addict is close. A teenager to a controlling, dominating mother. A daughter to an emotionally neglecting father.
The following letter from a 13-year-old girl is a graphic example of a healthy confrontation to what is likely a passive-aggressive addicted brother.
“Dear brother,
I have a question for you. Why are you so stupid? Harsh! No! I could tell you all these things you’ve done to me but I won’t because I love you and care about you. Even though I do, you are making it harder than licking a cactus. I know it will be hard but you need help. I don’t know how long we can do this. I want to see you more than once a week. You’re my brother. Do you remember that or are you high or something? Can you read this or are you not able to see the truth?
“I tell you something, I can barely read this because I am crying too hard. In school if someone says something to remind me of you, I have to choke down my tears. I know you’re an addict. But for me, for your family, STOP. We will still love you always but you can’t put us through this anymore. I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel. My feelings are racing. I don’t know what to do anymore. If you want to screw up your own life (which I don’t advise) fine, but don’t bring us down with you.
“Don’t keep running. Face what you have done. I may even be able to forgive the people who got you hooked on this disgusting stuff. What is getting drunk or high going to do – let you escape from your problems for a few hours anyway? Go to rehab for me. I love you with all my heart. PLEASE DON’T BREAK IT! your sis”
2. Suppression
Some angry addicts have been taught that “good Christians” don’t get angry. In their piety, suppression was modeled. They know the anger is there but will stuff it. It is unlike repression where the person doesn’t even know the anger is there. Suppression puts a lid on the anger. Like repression, it will rear its ugly head in some destructive manner. The “good Christian” is well reminded by Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier’s words,
“Violence is in the heart of all men,
but we all have an inbuilt resistance
to recognizing it as a thing that concerns us.”
3. Rage
Often alcoholics were raised in homes where rage was the accepted malfunctioning means of anger expression. Rage is defined as speaking or acting with great violence or intensity. Eddie, a recovering meth addict, tells his story.
“Childhood is a blur. Dad worked and drank. He did nothing with me. Mom worked. Very little attention or nurturing. Relatives would give me money to drink alcohol when I was seven and eight years old. They enjoyed seeing a 7-year-old get drunk. This is about all I can remember until teen years.
Enter violence. Guys in the labor camp were jealous of my car and clothes. I had to learn to fight. I found another use for golf clubs other than playing golf. That was my weapon of choice until the numbers got too big. I then carried a gun. One time a guy taunted me, slashed two of my tires and I blew up. I took out after him with my gun. Shot at him but kept missing him. I believe it was the Lord protecting me from getting into deep trouble. I was a Christian at the time but was not walking with the Lord.
That violent lifestyle fit my family name. We were known as killers because of some relatives who would go down into Mexico, get into fights and end up killing people. I saw dad shoot a guy. We had to run. Moved to Mexico for a time.
At the age of 19 I had two children with the girl with whom I was living. I carried my angry childhood into that relationship and was abusive to her. She taunted me with stories of other men. I blew up and was arrested for assault. At that time I told God I was through with Him. If this was all the Christian life was about, I had enough. I got into meth heavily. It helped me not feel the pain and made me feel better about life. The down side was a buildup of anger, pride, deception, controlling and erasure of memories. I stayed on it for 11 years.”
Eddie is an example of raging parent producing a raging child.The pain is severe for those living with a “rageaholic.” Alcohol or drugs are the means to cope – to escape the memories of the abusive home environment. It works – temporarily! But an ever increasing amount of chemical substance is needed to quell the childhood and adult pain. Ultimately, the temporary anaesthesia evolves into an addicted lifestyle ensnaring the person in the web of deceit, defeat and dysfunctional living.
4. Helplessness
Another cause for anger in persons of addiction is being raised in a home that perpetuated helplessness. A helpless person is defined as one who is unable to manage by oneself; they often feel impotent or dependent. Terrence Real writes in “Psychology Today”, stating “Anger regularly stems from helplessness. If you’re walking around angry, it’s often because you’re trying to control some thing and it’s not cooperating. The way to be less angry is to let go of your control.”
From my experience of roughly 45,000 hours of professional counseling, I firmly say that a person who feels helpless, feeling like a victim, is always an angry person. They are angry toward significant people in their life and especially toward God. The anger is usually contained because any expression of anger would lead to more rejection and greater victimization. This person doesn't realize that the poison of anger is eating its own container. Then I am quickto add that some addicts were raised in loving, nurturing homes. The home environment is not always the basic foundation for the development of addictions.
Max, a 25-year-old, reports, “I’m charged with eight felonies, 70 misdemeanors, including armed robbery, possession of meth and other drugs with intent to sell, 15 petty thefts, drug paraphernalia, possession of stolen property, numerous traffic tickets, in and out of jail since the age of 17, including time in prison.”
Max describes his childhood as near perfect. Dad was involved in his activities – Cub Scouts, football, baseball, bowling, soccer and church. Mother was such a loving mom that it helps him understand God’s love. “They did all they could to get me into activities that would keep me out of trouble.”
“Cigarettes, liquor and drugs began at the age of 12. I managed to hide this from my parents all the way until my senior year in high school. The older I got the stupider I became. By this time I was addicted to multiple things. It didn’t matter if I was abusing drugs, speeding down the neighborhood or vandalizing something as long as I wasn’t supposed to do it. I did it and loved it. I enjoyed breaking the law.”
When I asked him why he enjoyed the destructive behavior, Max’s words were, “poor self image, wanted acceptance from friends and I was picked on a lot as a kid for being over weight.”
He spent 12 months in a residential treatment center. He did very well. He got involved in a church and was a real inspiration to many people. He is now out of treatment but his future is rather uncertain. He is in college but his behavior is somewhat questionable. We’re not sure how he is doing. While in the treatment center, he resisted one of the four challenges addicts in treatment face – self discipline. In my experience, our Lighthouse Mission men will be successful after they leave the mission if they have:
1. built a firm foundation with God
2. have dealt productively with their anger issues
3. have begun working on building a healthy, Godly self esteem, and
4.built a strong pattern of self discipline
Leave out one or more of these four and chances of succssful living without drugs or alcohol is limited.
Repression, suppression, rage or helplessness might have been modeled by the parents to the addict, but the addict is still responsible and accountable for his/her behavior. Parents who have damaged their children by dealing poorly with anger have the responsibility to apologize and make possible amends to their children.
Anger Defined
Let’s define this behemoth. Anger is an emotional response to a perceived wrong or injustice. As with other emotions, physiological and biological changes result. (Increase is seen in blood pressure, adrenaline, heart rate and other biochemical responses.) Simplified, anger is experienced when expectations are unfulfilled or when there is a sense of threat – “an invasion of my space.” Stating it bluntly, most of our unhealthy anger is based in selfishness (I’m not getting my way at my timing). Fear of intrusion (you’re getting in my space) is a secondary root.
The word “anger” is a catch-all term depicting the range of emotion from irritation to rage. The contrast is demonstrated by the following story.
Irritation is best demonstrated when I call a random phone number at 1 a.m. and ask, “Is Ray there?” A sleepy, irritated voice responds with something like, “You’ve got the wrong number,” and hangs up. That’s irritation. Anger is exhibited when at 2 a.m. I call the same number and ask again for Ray. I may get a few expletives and the phone slammed down in my ear. That’s anger. Rage is the response when at 3 a.m. I call the same number and say, “This is Ray. Have I had any calls?” Irritation, anger, rage.
An extreme example of rage is seen in the June 16, 2006, Idaho Press-Tribune. A two inch full width headline reads, “GRUESOME DAY.” The story tells of how a Nampa, Idaho man, facing a domestic violence court date, killed his ex-wife, decapitated her, threw her head in the back of his pick-up, headed down I-84 and purposely ran into an approaching car head-on, killing a mother and child and sending another child to the hospital. The following day’s newspaper headline which explained the cause of the accident in more detail read, “VIOLENCE SHATTERS LIVES.”
While talking with a man who was in prison with the aforementioned man, I was told that the rage was triggered by the ex-wife’s berating his sexuality. Being addicted to meth played a part in the brutality.
Rage has the element of violence and is the ultimate expression of blameshifting. When a person is raging, their total focus is on the alleged perpetrator of the crime against them. They don’t and won’t face the fact that no one can make them rage. The “crime” only brings out what is inside of them. In Matthew 15: 11 Jesus says, “What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him 'unclean.'" It has been said in many ways, “No one can make me angry. They only reveal what is inside of me.” The raging alcoholic not only abuses others but also himself by not accepting personal responsibilty for maturation. The chemical addiction anethesizes his pain, his woundedness and his choice to take responsibility for himself.
Paul describes his rage/drugs ordeal this way, “I found my girlfriend in bed with my best friend. In my house! Drugs weren’t immediately available. So I robbed a store. Result? Prison.”
Anger Resolution for the Addict
“Anger management” is a popular theme used in dealing with issues of anger. I prefer to use the words “anger resolution.”
Resolve in your mind to use healthy anger to accomplish good deeds (like the person angry with the tobacco industy who channels that anger into productive ways of warning children of the devastation of smoking.)
Resolve to adhere to the Bible’s challenge in Ephesians 4:31-32, “Stop being
mean, bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words and dislike of others should have no place in your lives. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you because you belong to Christ.”
And, Colossians 3:8, “Now is the time to cast off and throw away all these rotten garments of anger, hatred, cursing and dirty language.”
To the addict reading this article, don’t just try to manage your anger. Face it brutally. See the destructiveness of it. Don’t anaesthetize it with a chemical. Get with a group who will encourage you to unmask your anger. Seek counseling that will help you reveal the roots of the anger, not just managing it. Dig deeply into God’s resources to face all the woundedness within. Grapple with all the selfishness and insecurity that leads to unhealthy anger. Mature in your knowledge of God and His resources for you. Depend on the Holy Spirit to work deeply within, empowering you to accomplish your objective of a growing freedom from destructive anger. Paul explains this empowerment in Ephesians 3:20, “Glory be to God who by His mighty working power within us is able to do far more than what we can dream of….”
This navigation will help prevent relapse. It will lead to an ever deepening love for God, others and yourself, translating into an ever lessening need for addictive behavior.
To Parents of Addicts
To parents of an angry addict, when you face the fact that you have been used and manipulated, you will commonly feel betrayed and angry. At that point, it is important to face your own feelings and work through them with a counselor, trusted and knowledgable friend or addiction support group. Until then, any communication with your addicted child will be contaminated by anger. They will hear the anger, more than likely focus on your issue of anger and will be less likely to hear the desired message of reality confrontation. Only after resolving your own issues will you be able to develop honest and open communication with your child that will set meaningful boundaries for what is acceptable behavior and attitude and what is not satisfactory.
Parents who have had severe marriage problems would help their child by getting counseling, working through the issues because frequently the child has been acting out to try to unite parents. The child’s mindset is something like, “If I act out with my behavior, then my parents will focus on me and quit bickering with each other. If they focus on me, there is less chance of them cutting down each other and possibly ending up divorcing.” The acting out behavior is counterproductive to all concerned.
Another challenge for some parents is to reprioritize time management. Parents often believe that they contributed to their child’s problems by working too many hours, traveling or just being too busy to pay attention to what was happening to their child, and that they allowed things to reach a crisis level. To these parents, a more carefully planned weekly schedule is essential, one that balances the four basic thrusts of a well structured life: work, play, time with people, and time with God. Work. Play. Social. Spiritual.
It has been said that children spell love “t-i-m-e.” Structured time involved in activities with the child in what they enjoy doing is of paramount importance. Some parent-child relationships have become so fractured that extreme creativity will be needed to provide a vehicle of interest for the child’s motivation to be involved with the parents.
One child liked fishing. His parents disliked it. To enhance the relationship, fishing license and gear were purchased. The beginning of relational healing was initiated.
Shame and embarrassment are issues for some parents. They endured years of one bad event after another before getting help. Their child was in front of criminal courts, expelled from school, involved in car wrecks, ran away for weeks at a time or even dealt drugs. They lived the nightmare far too long before seeking help.
If you are in that category, know that you are not alone. Others have and are going through similar trauma. Seek help from a competent counselor or addictions group. Even examine the possibility that your child may need a residential treatment program.
Final Words
There is life after addiction - for the child and for the parents. As issues are surfaced, faced and rectified, the experience leads to greater maturity, freedom and appreciation for the peaks and valleys of life, not needing an anesthetic. God has proven Himself over and over to families with addictions. He does not quit on the parents or the children. So, be sure to “cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) |
