General Questions

Would having a child drug or alcohol addicted disqualify a pastor according to 1 Timothy 3:4-5?

• Our understanding of that issue is that an adult child away from home certainly would not disqualify a pastor. One pastor's son was a model child through high school. He got into drinking in college.
• At what point would a younger child's disobedience or loss of control to chemicals disqualify a pastor? We are not certain. The board of each church would have to rule on those cases individually.
• We understand that not every theological or ecclesiastical system agrees on this matter. However, we think God does not intend to disqualify ministers as often as people do. Probably the best we can say is to make certain you are with people who will be gracious and helpful, not harsh and judgmental.

I have heard it said that a born-again Christian cannot be an alcoholic or addict. Would you comment on this?

• I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. She relates, "After I went through treatment, one Thanksgiving some friends said to me at dinner, 'Since you are born-again, you cannot be alcoholic. Have a glass of wine with us.' I assumed they were right; so I had the glass and over the next few months fell completely off the wagon. I lost EVERYTHING in my life." Remarkably, she does not blame those friends but now knows they were naïve.
• A pastor explains, "I spent one Christmas with my brother in a drug rehab center as he finally admitted his problem. I watched him struggle as a number of well-meaning people asked him how he could be a Christian and struggle with drug addiction. 'I do not understand. How can you say you follow God, but look where you are.?' I watched my brother doubt and suffer in trying to reconcile his relationship with God and his addiction."
• A missionary explains, "Saying Christians can not be addicts is tantamount to saying that born-again Christians don't/can't sin or that they will always be free from 'serious' sin. This 'assumption' is both foolish and foolhardy. Christians and Christian ministers/missionaries have been adulterers, homosexuals, embezzlers, etc. So claiming that a born-again Christian cannot be an alcoholic or drug addict is simply not true. However, the Christian community's penchant to stigmatize and ostracize those caught in serious sin, means one is hard put to find 'safe' groups in the church where help and support are extended to those struggling and to those affected. At the same time, this does not change the message of the Gospel but strengthens it. When we sin, we have indeed forgotten our own powerlessness and the necessity of an hourly and daily reliance on His power and the strength of His people as burden bearers. Our need for Christ does not stop when we become Christians. Our need for His people is intensified because none of us is strong enough to stand on our own."
• I am always amazed that people who still lust, get angry, are impatient, gossip, are overweight and so forth, even though they are born-again, somehow think they have the right to proclaim that one cannot be a Christian and an addict. Just because someone is a follower of Christ does not give him the right to intrude into the life of the addict or his/her family with their opinions on things of which he/she knows very little.

How do I deal with the "well-meaning" family members and friends who intrude and ask too many questions?

• Each family system is different, but the very life and future of the addict must be of highest importance. If that means telling people half of the story, if that means telling them you cannot be with them unless they say encouraging things, if that means cutting some people out of your life who will drain what little energy you have out of you, then so be it.
• If possible get the family member or friend involved in treatment, Al-Anon, etc.
• The message has to be this: when we are at our most vulnerable point, we must surround ourselves with those people who will be empathetic, sympathetic, understanding, supportive, convicting and confronting. We need to distance ourselves from those who want to make proclamations about something of which they are naïve and ignorant. Usually, recovering addicts must find new friends. Sometimes their family members must do the same.

You're not crazy, unique or alone.

• 1 Corinthians 10:31 says we are not unique or alone in the temptations we face.  The same is true in the "wanderings" and questions we have when we find out our child is abusing drugs/alcohol.  Here is the list of questions our "veteran" parents have asked.  They will help you see that none of us is well trained before abuse hits our families.  That is why we must not keep it a secret and we must rely on others.
• Questions you ask are:
  What if he/she is not chemically dependent?
  Are there symptoms?
  What do I look for?
  Can I keep this confidential?
  What does it cost?
  What will it do to my/his/her insurance (auto, health, etc.)?
  How do I find a good program?
  What does treatment consist of?
  Will I have to stop drinking?
  How long does it take to fix him/her?

Do I need to feel guilt about my child's addiction?

• Chemically dependent people are great at making others believe they are the cause of the dependent behavior.  Don't be hooked by this guilt-producing talk.

Does addiction stunt emotional growth?

• The time between the first use and intervention indicates how much "loss of growing up" has happened.  The addict simply does not learn coping skills, except for medicating.
• If the child started using at age twelve and has used for three years, he/she has the maturity of a 12-year-old, not a 15-year-old. 
• This is one reason why treatment of adults who become addicted in their twenties will focus more on abstinence while treatment of juveniles will focus more on learning coping skills.

Do parents do something wrong when their kids use?

• One successful pastor warned his child against drugs/alcohol, told him of the high possibility of "alcoholic genes" in the family, and was aware of the child's behavior and peers.  The child still abused alcohol/drugs in high school and college.  Rebellion can be subtle and hard to define.  The parent did nothing wrong.  The child chose to rebel.