 |
        |
 |
|
|
|
Parents of abusers and addicts sometimes feel betrayed by their kids. This can lead to immense emotional and spiritual pain. This article by Pastor Dave Carder, although not dealing with drugs, has a lot to say about betrayal and recovering from it. “Bewildered by Betrayal” By Dave Carder Pastor of Counseling Ministries First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, CA Background for this Insightful Article Several years ago the moral failure of a respected Christian Missionary Leader was discovered @ the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton when Charles Swindoll was the Senior Pastor. This moral failure of child molestation was in all the Southern California news media. Dave Carder, the Pastor of Counseling Ministries, wrote this Article for their church newsletter “News Break”. Dave has granted his permission to use it in any way that brings healing grace to the lives of those ‘betrayed’. -------------------------------------------- “You intended to harm
me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done.” One week ago Sunday, the resignation of a member of our Board of Elders was announced during the morning worship services. For many who were present in those services or who heard of the announcement later, this information triggered both strong emotions and deep questions. Under circumstances such as these, feeling a sense of betrayal is not an uncommon reaction. The following article is presented as a resource to help those in our church family deal with such feelings. To be betrayed unleashes some of our most painful emotions – anger, hurt, fear, hatred. Confusion reigns. We often feel disoriented, anxious and uneasy. Some of us feel overwhelmed or panic stricken due to a prior experience with betrayal. Others feel foolish, incompetent or ashamed because they did not see the betrayal being set up. All of these intense reactions are normal, the result of a once close association or relationship that has now been broken and ruptured. To work through betrayal requires time because our emotions run so deep. It affects us to the very core of our being as those created in God’s Image. Most of us, for example, can’t immediately put our arms around an individual who just betrayed us and say we forgive him. This “distancing” is important because it helps us think through our feelings about the betrayal. In fact, the closer you were to a betrayer, the more deeply you will feel about the betrayal. Working through a betrayal takes time for several reasons. First, you have to mentally retrace each point of contact between you and the betrayer. This retracing often starts with second-guessing type thoughts like, “But...,” or “What about...,” or “Remember when....” Second, since nobody builds relationships anticipating or allowing for betrayal, we are at a loss when trying to deal with one. We are not usually in the mood, initially, to cut the betrayer any slack. The hard truth is that an honor has been violated. Only forgiveness can cover that breach of trust. A third reason betrayal takes time to work through is because it required premeditation and manipulation on the part of the betrayer. These disruptive processes (which likely occurred over a long period of time prior to the actual betrayal) hit the betrayed person in one fell swoop because this is a person who wanted to assume the best in the relationship. Next, betrayal takes time to work through because the betrayed often feels responsible, foolish or guilty. It’s typical to ask questions that reflect these feelings – questions like “If only I had...”(responsible), “Why didn’t I see...”(foolish) and “I should have...”(guilty). Finally, betrayal takes time to work through because it generates feelings of abandonment. What before seemed so secure, stable and reliable has suddenly shifted, fractured, disintegrated. In its place is emptiness. Healing from betrayal often requires three phases. The first is distance and separation from the betrayer with accompanying feelings of cutting the betrayer off, keeping him/her out of sight. This is because suddenly you realized that the personal closeness you enjoyed was used for personal advantage to hide inappropriate activity. This sense of betrayal no doubt influenced Jesus’ emotional words to Judas, “Woe, it would be better if he had not been born.” (Matthew 26:24) Confrontation of the betrayer comes next, because he/she has used his/her position to serve his/her own sense of entitlement. He/she has violated God-given boundaries. This type of confrontation came into play when Nathan said to David, “You are the man….You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight” (II Samuel 12:7, 12). Acknowledgement or confession from the betrayer who has abused his/her power must come out of the confrontation. He/she must feel the pain he/she has caused. If he/she discounts the impact or reality, there is no healing in either party. Only a broken and contrite heart can be forgiven. Hence, Joseph could let go of his betrayal when he heard his brothers acknowledge the pain they had caused him (Genesis 42:22). Practical Tips for Working through Feelings of Betrayal. Initially, maintain some distance for the purpose of working through your own feelings. To rush back into contact with a betrayer only invites more manipulation of the relationship towards another betrayal in the future. Write out your feelings in a letter to the betrayer (don’t mail this ~ it is for your own benefit). Read it out loud to the Lord and perhaps to a close friend who understands how you feel. One excellent process format looks like this: “I feel this way __________ about that __________ because ___________. Talk your feelings over on as many occasions as necessary with supportive friends. The key distinction between this kind of conversation and gossip is that this only uses the first person (“I feel”), not the third person (“He did”) or the second person (“Can you believe”). List your losses. All who have been betrayed share certain losses – innocence, reputation, the ability to trust people. Take time to work through those feelings. You might need to cry some more. If so, cry. And cry over specific things you’ve lost. Others might find it helpful to work out their feelings through exercise. Close the door when you are ready to forgive. I would suggest writing another letter and mailing it, especially if you sense repentance from the betrayer. Be specific about what you are forgiving the person for. If you feel it’s appropriate, share your recent journey with the betrayer. Of course, to do this will leave you vulnerable to being hurt again. There are no guarantees. Intimacy is built on risk and disclosure. One final word. This process might need to be repeated in the future. Different betrayals that lie ahead might cause feelings generated by this old experience to resurface. That’s okay. Remember that forgiveness is a process. New experiences and your own growth will allow you to deal with future betrayals in a different fashion. And one day you will be able to say with Joseph, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20). |
