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Help for Siblings of
Drug/Alcohol Abusers The impact of a drug/alcohol abuser on his/her siblings is graphically displayed in the following letter from a thirteen year old girl to her brother. Dear Brother: I have a question for you. Why are you so stupid? Harsh! NO! I could tell you all these things you’ve done to me but I won’t because I love you and care about you. Even though I do, you are making it harder than licking a cactus. I know it will be hard but you need help. I don’t know how long we can do this. I want to see you more than once a week. You’re my brother. Do you remember that or are you high or something? Can you read this or are you not able to see the truth? I tell you something. I can barely read this because I am crying so hard. In school if someone says something to remind me of you, I have to choke down my tears. I know you’re an addict. But for me, for your family, STOP. We will still love you always but you can’t put us through this anymore. I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel. My feelings are racing. I don’t know what to do anymore. If you want to screw up you own life (which I don’t advise) fine, but don’t bring us down with you. I have to tell you about that saying, “forgive and forget.” In time I may be able to forgive but I could never forget this. Don’t keep running. Face what you have done. I may even be able to forgive the people who got you hooked on this disgusting stuff. What is getting drunk or high going to do – let you escape from your problems for a few hours? What will you miss in that few hours anyway? A crash, a life, a birthday, what? How can you be such a hypocrite? You tell me, “Don’t do drugs or bad things.” Now I will tell you. You may wake up one day in court or a funeral or a hospital – maybe your own, maybe a close friend, maybe a complete stranger. You may say, “I’m not stupid enough to drink and drive” or something like that but you also said you weren’t stupid enough to do drugs. Saying “no” is easy. Going through with it is the hard part. Go to rehab for me. I love you will with all my heart. PLEASE DON’T BREAK IT! Love you so much, the best sis A survey was designed to grasp the impact that alcohol or drug abuse had on a sober sibling. Information was gleaned to, 1.) help parents relate to the sober sibling; 2.) help the sober sibling in dealing with his/her abuser sibling; and 3.) to help the sober sibling share with others who are experiencing the same challenge. Be prepared to sense some of the deep pain and frustration as you peruse the anecdotal results. The symbol “d/a” is used here for “drugs and/or alcohol” Names have been changed to protect confidentiality. The average age of the responder was 31. The average age of the sibling abuser – 30. (Editor’s note: only two teenagers responded to the survey. Could it be that it takes years for siblings of users to get some equilibrium before they can talk about it?) The foundational question was asked, “Is the abuse current, recent or a few years ago? Responses included everything from “the usage is current,” to “it has been ongoing all of our lives,” to “it ended one year ago.” More specific questioning began with initial reaction heading the list.
A vast array of reactions were displayed – anger, denial, apathy, worry, unawareness, shock/devastation and a mixture of emotions. Anger Anger was best summarized by, “I was surprised and extremely angry. And I felt like I did not want anything to do with him. I felt like he had ruined my parents’ life also and for that I was very mad. I felt extremely bad for all the hurt he had caused my parents.” Denial Denial is probably the most common first recognizable response. “I thought my brother was experimenting with drugs as most teenagers do. I thought it was a "stage" that would pass. Each subsequent time he got caught I believed he was experimenting or just having fun. I think it took at least 3 years for me to understand how serious the issue was and how real this addiction was. The point at which I gave up was about 5 months before my wedding. I had originally asked Andrew* to stand up with me as a groomsman in my wedding. Five months prior, I went out with him, my fiancée, mom, her boyfriend, and my other brother for lunch to celebrate. Andrew had told us all he was sober. During the meal his eyes kept rolling into the back of his head and it was clear he was on something. After the meal I had one of the hardest conversations I had ever had. I told him I did not want him to be part of our wedding. Andrew does not ever remember the conversation happening, and it didn't matter anyway as he spent my wedding day in prison. At first I was hurt, not as much for what he was doing to me or himself, but more for what he was doing to his two kids as well as our parents. I told him it was fine if he wanted to kill himself, but he was killing my parents and that wasn't fair.” Another respondent said, “The first I heard of it, I was in 8th grade and a classmate told me he had seen my brother smoking pot at school. I immediately discounted it as a joke. It wasn’t until several years later when other events took place that I reflected back on the comment from the classmate. When it was confirmed, I was shocked, upset, disappointed, and embarrassed – I didn’t tell anyone.” *All names have been changed. Apathy One person said, “My initial thought was, ‘it's their life and they can choose what they want to do with it. Isn't that what God-given free will is? Whether it is right or wrong isn't up to me.’ It did kind of effect me but the Lord helped me through it.” Worry Another said, “I was surprised at the extent of the problem, but not surprised that she was abusing drugs. It caused a lot of worry for her safety and future and anger at our father whom I perceived as allowing the problem to escalate.” Unaware Some responses were: ¯ At first I didn’t know too much about the drugs my sibling was doing, I just knew that all drugs were bad. ¯ I was young when it began, so I didn’t really understand. As I got older, I was sad but got used to it. ¯ I had always known that she dabbled. I was also involved in drugs in my earlier years but I stopped. She carried on. It was when gambling and the law got involved that I found out she had moved onto methamphetamine use. Initially I was more concerned with the gambling because I didn’t know the terrible consequences of methamphetamine use. Mixture of emotion Two people responded with this similar theme, “It was unbelievable. It just didn’t seem real that he would resort to drugs. I had a mixture of emotions – sadness and disappointment.” Shock/devastation Three people asserted, “It was a shock, but also not surprising, considering we were raised in an abusive environment. She was quite rebellious growing up.”
Negligible Effect ¯ Not too much. I was away at college when it all started. Still talked to him as much. Alienation ¯ He had always been my best friend. It hurt. After a while I pulled away from the relationship. ¯ We don't really have a relationship anymore. I see him maybe once a year, either in prison or when he is out. We talk about superficial items and do not talk about many real issues anymore. He has given up asking me for money and I have given up asking him to change his life. ¯ We didn't have a relationship really at that point because of the person she became when she was using. However at the same time it was good to find out why she had been so terrible to my parents and the rest of the family. I went to an AA meeting to see if I could better understand addiction and therefore my little sister. ¯ We never had a great relationship but it distanced us even farther. I lost a lot of respect for her. ¯ We had a fairly superficial relationship as far back as I can recall so at this point we began to drift further apart. We were never confidants like many siblings are. ¯ He sexually abused me so the d/a abuse didn’t really affect an already damaged relationship. ¯ The drugs have pretty much killed our relationship. I feel that he is a completely different person and all he cares about is getting a fix. ¯ We could not have a relationship when the meth use was happening. She would either be late to family functions or not turn up. And when she was there, her behavior was very strange. Once the full truth came out, I was very angry and upset with her. We had a couple of quite heated arguments and I was afraid for her two children. I made it clear that the children came first and that we would intervene if she did not start taking steps to recovery. ¯ We were very estranged as I was angry with her. Strained ¯ It put an even bigger strain on our relationship. I really did not want to have much to do with him and I didn’t. I was so angry inside for all the things he had been doing that I did not know had been going on for years. ¯ It brought us closer for a few years, but declined over a short period of time. She felt others were watching and waiting for her to fail so she kept to herself. ¯ One person answered saying that it didn't affect her relationship because it was built on the Lord. It is interesting to note that sibling dysfunction can lead to depression. Dr. Robert Waldinger, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard and the lead author of a sibling study, found that men who had poor relationships with siblings during childhood are at significantly greater risk for depression in adulthood than those who got along better. The researchers emphasized that their findings do not mean that a poor childhood relationship with a sibling causes depression, but they say the two are strongly associated. Moreover, whether the men's parents did a good or a poor job of raising them seemed to have little effect on their risk of depression. Dr. Waldinger’s team published the report in the June 1, 2007 issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry.
However, some siblings feel guilty because they think they caused or could have prevented the abuse. Did you experience this? How did you deal with it? Some Connection ¯ Maybe a tiny bit because I went through quite a bout with alcohol myself and I was wild in high school so I thought maybe he had been watching me. But I really never felt much guilt or that I could have prevented it because I never had a very close relationship with him. ¯ No, however I felt it was my responsibility as her brother to ‘fix’ her. That’s what has been one of the most destructive things that I’ve done resulting from it. I took it as my responsibility and would drain my energy and emotion into a person in order to “heal” them. No guilt Most of the respondents indicated no guilt. ¯ I tried to hold his feet to the fire. He would lie to our parents. They would believe him and I would confront him about his lies. ¯ Andrew started his abuse after I had gone to college and moved away from the family. I did not feel guilty. At first I did as much as I felt I could to prevent this problem; later, I gave up and realized there was absolutely nothing I could do. ¯ NO WAY! Every choice she made was HERS to make. She initially tried to put her bad decisions on us, her family, but she knew it was her choice and so did I. The one thing I DO regret is that in high school I suspected she was cutting herself but did not do anything about it. Abusing drugs however was her choice. ¯ I did not experience guilt. I did experience embarrassment. His behavior did not have much direct impact on me because I escaped most of the challenges when I went off to college. ¯ I knew he was making stupid choices although sometimes I did wonder if the d/a abuse was a means for him to forget what he had done to me. ¯ No, I didn’t feel any of this as we were adults by now and felt she made her own choices. Feel some guilt ¯ I have experienced some guilt because I sometimes feel as if I contributed to her lack of self-confidence/worth that leads to her seeking approval/comfort through drugs. We fought a lot as young children and I was often times unkind to her…partly because I felt she was a nuisance due to the large age difference and partly because I felt like our dad favored her. I have apologized to her for the past, but I still know that the damage has been done and can't be undone. I have tried to deal with this by showing her that I love her and respect her (though not her d/a). ¯ I have often felt like I could have done more to help prevent it but the more I have tried to help the more I have realized that he is solely responsible for his actions. There is no one to blame but him. ¯ Felt some responsibility because I couldn’t reach her. ¯ If I’d have stayed closer to him it might not have happened. 4. How did
your sibling’s abusing affect your relationships outside the home? Nearly half of the respondents indicated doubt that there was any effect. Other responses included: ¯ At first I was encouraged to try d/a and so I experimented. It was not smart. ¯ It did not have a dramatic impact. At first my wife didn't understand everything and I didn't tell her the whole story. She used to ask me questions and ask how I felt about Andrew. She now knows this subject is off limits and not something I wish to discuss. She is better than I am at sending him cards and keeping in touch with him, and has grown to accept and understand. Additionally, some of my other relationships have made them stronger. I was recently out with a friend I have known for a couple years, a very successful psychologist. Something came up about siblings and I made a joke that I had a brother in prison. It turned out his brother had spent time with my brother in the same prison and they knew each other. His brother was a drug addict as well and had multiple kids with different women (same as mine). We didn't talk long about it but I think it brought us closer together as we each understood what the other had experienced. ¯ I was unable to trust a lot of people and for awhile expected to be let down by others. I had no tolerance for drugs or alcohol. ¯ I don't think that outside the home relationships were really affected except that as a missionary family, many people we know tended to perceive our family as ‘perfect.’ My sister’s drug abuse and parents’ concurrent separation due to my father having an affair have erased any of those illusions. I don't think that's a bad thing though, because even before those problems, there was nothing special about our family that would make people's assumptions appropriate…and there were many hidden problems within the family which made the pedestal people put us on seem very deceitful. There is sin in every human family just as there is in every person. ¯ I was quite consumed about her issues for about one year. But I still maintained relationships with family and friends. While my sister was in treatment for 18 weeks, I cared for her children for a part of the week. I had her one-year-old son most weekend nights so I was limited in my social activities. It was a big responsibility and I was slightly disappointed that my friends didn’t visit me or help me as much during this time. ¯ We all became very detached from each other – it was like we were all taking sides. ¯ I was embarrassed for him as well as I was by him when I was around our mutual friends. Outside relationships positively affected ¯ It hasn’t affected my relationships that much. I have had a lot of prayer support from friends. ¯ I was more aware of and loving of people who battle with siblings who abused. I used my experience to relate to and help others. ¯ It made my relationships with others stronger and more substantive in my new environment. I didn’t have the brother I wanted and needed, so I attached to friends. However, it was new friends. I escaped my hometown and eventually lost touch with my best friends from high school. 5. How did your parents handle your sibling’s d/a abuse? Most of the responses indicated that the parents didn’t handle the d/a abuse well. ¯ Not well. They still don’t handle it well. ¯ Poorly. They hung in there too long and believed his lies. They should have cut him off financially sooner. However, they did the best they could. They loved their son. ¯ Awful. As I mentioned previously this was and is the hardest part for me to see by far. Both kept trying to fix him. Then they would ask what they as parents did wrong. They continually got their hopes up that his problems were solved, only to have him arrested or caught once again. I believe (and hope) they have finally given up hope on him. I'm hoping they view it as that IF someday he is ever sober this would be a great thing and they could be very happy. However, I hope that they assume he is going to be on drugs or alcohol the rest of his life so that there is no more downside or disappointment if he does it again. ¯ For a long time my father ignored and denied that she had a problem. My mother had suspicions which she would voice to him or to my sister but never acted on them. When it finally came to light that she did have a drug problem it had escalated far beyond the original suspicions. At the point we discovered that she had been abusing drugs since she was 19 and had been using since 13. Since then they've tried to help her by putting her in rehab a few times. Still, my father downplays the problem. ¯ They handled it as best they could. They initially supported him and probably thought it would be a relatively easy fix with some basic help and a return to church and Christian values. This attitude probably enabled him to continue down the same path. It took a while for reality to set in and tough love to begin to be practiced. My parents suffered through this period of my brother’s life more than anyone. I don’t really know first hand all that they went through, though I’m quite sure it was awful. ¯ At first they were reluctant to do anything, in part because they didn’t believe she was doing drugs. ¯ They were heartbroken by it and focused most if not all of their attention on him. ¯ They tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. Even when we had contact with her they never mentioned anything about how they felt to her because of what she was doing. ¯ Mother was devastated as my sister was missing – in an attempt to take her own life. My father was confronted with his sexual and physical abuse of his daughters and took his own life within 36 hours of my sister’s disappearance. ¯ Tried intervention – failed. ¯ Tried to protect him from the consequences – still do. ¯ They were sad. They tried all different approaches to handle his drug abuse. They did not trust him for a very long time. Positively ¯ My parents handled it well with prayer. ¯ Loved her and continually forgave her, but at the same time did what they had to do. ¯ They have done all they can to help him. Compassion and tough love – neither seemed to work. ¯ Until the gambling/theft took place I do not think my parents were aware of her abuse. They handled it very well – our main priority was to support her in seeking help. It was devastating to my mother that my sister had stolen money from her employer. My parents repaid this money back to her employer out of their savings. 6. Were your parents helpful or mindful of you during this time? Please explain. About half of the respondents said “not helpful.” Not helpful ¯ They were so consumed with him and trying to deal with it all. ¯ No, not really, I was doing pretty good, staying out of trouble for the most part. So they devoted most of their energy towards fixing the problem. When I was involved in something with them it was usually a question on whether or not I thought sending her away was a good idea. So always something that had to do with her. Even if the family was doing something to keep our minds off things, it was still there. A stagnant smell of hate and addiction was always there. ¯ No, they focused on helping him or visiting him in rehab. ¯ No. They were in their own world. Batten down the hatches and let’s keep the family looking good! They were oblivious to me and my other two sisters’ needs and feelings. They actually expected us to seek her out on most occasions. ¯ Not really, as I was supporting my mother emotionally. She accepted the child abuse. She had grief that she didn’t protect her children and carried the burden that her daughter was committed to the hospital rehab as well as the death of her husband. Helpful. ¯ They finally told me all that had been going on with him. I wished that they had told me all along what had been going on because it was quite shocking to hear the thing played out on the table all at once. I guess they had wanted to protect him. ¯ They were there for me. We did talk a lot about my brother but they were also concerned with me. ¯ Yea...they always told us they were proud of us, etc.... Honestly I don't remember too much. ¯ Yes, very, they asked me how I was doing and talked to me. ¯ Yes, they relied upon me for support and advice. They encouraged me to be a supportive brother. ¯ Extremely helpful – we were all in it together. I lived with them at the time so we supported each other with everything. Mixed reaction ¯ They were mindful, but I also feel like Andrew got way too much attention during this time. There is only so much energy any of us have and if most of the parents’ energy is spent on the kid in trouble, that doesn't leave a lot of time for the other siblings. I also kept hearing that a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child. This may be true but doesn't seem right for the other siblings who may be having celebrations during this time. ¯ I didn't really need them to be supportive since I'm an adult and can rely on my husband for support. However, I did have some very hurtful conversations with my father who cannot believe that his denial could have contributed to the problem or to not catching it early. I think my mother had so much happening to her that she needed to be supported and helped more that she could provide it. ¯ My parents have always been mindful of me, concerned about me, and interested in what was going on in my life. On the other hand, as a middle child who had an easy temperament and compliant personality, it was easy for me to get lost. I was independent and went off to a different state to go to college so at times I did go unnoticed; however, it was infrequent. My parents, in my estimation, were very good about keeping up with me. ¯ They were mindful of me but still tried to hide the seriousness of what was happening from me. 7. How did the whole situation affect your relationship with God? It caused doubt ¯ I’ve had moments where I’ve doubted or gotten tired of praying the same thing over and over…but I’m reminded of how God must feel about the sins I commit over and over and how faithful He is. Changed nothing ¯ Not a lot. I'm not one to blame things on God or ask why. We all have decisions we make and I don't think this is all part of some sort of elaborate plan or that there is anything God can do to help Andrew out of it. ¯ I had only just started coming back to church and reconnecting with God again – can’t remember too much about what was happening with me and God. Closer to God ¯ It helped me grow closer to Him. Helped me realize that trying d/a was sinful and God would not tolerate it. ¯ It really made me cling to Him...turn to Him with everything. It opened my eyes to those who are hurting around me. ¯ It helped me to grow more into Him. ¯ My relationship with God grew stronger. At first, I turned to Him continuing my way of being the compliant one. Eventually, along with an independent streak I became arrogant, thinking I had the answers, because I was basically a good Christian. Eventually, through much life experience with other people, I learned that I didn’t have very many answers at all and was eventually able to accept the grace of God and begin displaying that open-ended acceptance toward others and my brother. I never blamed God for the circumstances my family was going through – rather, because of logistics it was easy to separate myself from the family and blame them – mostly my brother. Eventually I was able to forgive him and find an acceptance of him – knowing that there were some good reasons for his behavior and choices. ¯ I didn’t really a have a real relationship with God at that point. I was just living day to day, and when all of this started to happen, I just shut down. I withdrew from people and I think I was just flat out shocked that this was happening. It was only after everything happened did I really begin to have a relationship with Christ. ¯ It brought me closer to Him because I realized no one else was worthy of my dependency. ¯ I have prayed for my brother a lot. Maybe not as much as I should. But it has made me question God a little bit because of so much petition for a miracle. But ultimately it has helped me cling to God and He has shown me the difference between a life without Him and a life that’s been transformed by Him. ¯ The Lord had been working on me before this crisis and has continued to provide me support and healing. ¯ During the beginning when the hurt was the most intense God was my refuge where I would go for secure comfort. Mixed reaction ¯ In some ways it has strengthened it and in other ways it has hurt it. It has strengthened my view of God as I have seen a little of the depths of God's forgiveness. In many ways it has damaged my relationship with the church more than with God. I feel like my parents’ ministry really dropped the ball by allowing my father to travel so much of the time and be away from the family. I also feel like they should have dealt better with an affair my father had 22 years ago because I think their sweeping it under the carpet had a lasting, damaging effect on our family. It makes me angry that so many Christians who had been friends with and supported our family for years when they thought we were ‘perfect’ turned their backs on my mother when all of this happened and she really need their love the most. 8. What have you learned through the challenge? If you had to experience this again, would you do anything differently? Do Differently ¯ I would be there more for my brother. I could now see the symptoms more and hopefully be able to help him get the help he needs before things get so bad. Maybe I would be there to support my parents more too, instead of being so angry and critical. Learned ¯ I learned it can happen to any family. There were always things you would do differently. I have learned to trust God and that He is in control. ¯ I have learned there is absolutely nothing you can control in regards to this situation. What I would have done differently was not assume Andrew was "better" each time I saw him. I would not assume that he was "cured" and everything was OK. There is much more of an emotional downfall when you find out they are not sober than there is upside of thinking he is cured. The whole argument ‘your highest high is never as large up as your lowest low is down’ is very true. ¯ More that God has everyone in His hands. ¯ Pray. ¯ I have learned that appearances can be deceiving. I have learned that anyone can fall and therefore it is crucial to diligently maintain your walk with God. If I were to do it over again I think I would have insisted that my mother give my sister a drug test when she first suspected a problem. Otherwise, I don't know that there's much I could have done differently since the whole situation is out of my control. I might not have gotten so involved. ¯ I’ve learned grace and acceptance. I’ve learned the power of an addiction and the patience of God. Knowing what I know now, of course, I would do things differently. I would walk through it with a peace that God was in control and had a different timetable than I. I wouldn’t withdraw from family and friends, but would take initiative to pursue relationships, especially a relationship with my brother. But, then, I think that’s what going through the challenge is for. Telling someone who’s going through it, what I learned is not going to make it any easier for them, but it may normalize the challenge for them. The process of going through the challenges and the ultimate outcome, is priceless – Romans 8. Just don’t pretend that the outcome is going to be what or when you want, because in the end it will be mostly about you and not the abuser. ¯ I have learned too many things to list, or to even start to list. I would not change the experience, however horrible it was, for anything. The amount of wisdom and love that I gained through it would not have come if all was perfect. ¯ I would be more honest with my brother and my parents as to how his abuse and their neglect were hurting me. No one is perfect. Drug abuse doesn’t just happen in movies and books; it can happen to anyone and it is destroying families. ¯ I have learned that drugs are so powerful and can truly over take a person’s life. I learned that my brother would use any means necessary to get a fix. If I did it all over I would be bolder and more confrontational. ¯ I learned that there is no black/white answer for this issue. Also that we have a fairly strong family because we all united together and supported each other. I may have rescued too much but I would do it all over again for my sister. She has now been abstinent from all alcohol & drug use for over 4 years and became a Christian one year ago. She is a completely different person now. The only thing I question is that we were advised to involve the law, so she now has a criminal record. I guess it is the consequence and God is bigger than any criminal record. It would have been nice for her to have had the same result without the record! ¯ I would not be so judgmental and try not to fix things…I would have loved her more. ¯ Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give your hope and a future.” The Lord did not intend for harm to come to His children. I have had to relearn my early Christian teachings through the eyes of God’s love. ¯ I would try to be more of a support to my sister and her family. Her son has addictions as well, so the generational sin continues. He is currently in prison. ¯ Not place myself in trying intervention – knowing what I know now about “Meth.” ¯ To put up boundaries and confront sooner. Nothing ¯ I don't think I would have done anything different, except acted on my suspicions of her cutting. I stood up to her, for her, and prayed for her...I don't think I would do anything differently. 9. Have you any advice for siblings of abusers? ¯ Communicate about it with family. Be supportive with your family. Seek God and not a “fix” for your abusing sibling. There is nothing you can control. ¯ The sooner you can emotionally detach yourself from the situation, the better. Be supportive, but don't over commit to anything. ¯ Yes...HANG IN THERE!!!! It is so hard...don't let yourself become bitter, or uncaring about it...be honest with how you feel, focus on your own relationship with the Lord, support your parents, remember that God is sovereign and able. He can do more for your sibling than you can, so pray for them! ¯ Yes, become quiet, surrender to the Lord, read His Word, and pray to Him. ¯ Don't feel guilty. Pray a lot. Try not to get entangled in the web of lies that a drug abuser will spin. Understand the difference between loving someone and enabling them. Learn to love your sibling without enabling them. ¯ Yes – get close to them and accept them. You have to earn the right to be heard by them. My brother never heard me because we weren’t close enough and we were too different. The differences were not accepted by either of us. Don’t let your differences separate you. ¯ That’s hard to say, since I did not receive any advice, I kind of had to make things out on my own. I guess my only advice would be to become independent. Make your own choices healthier than what your sibling did. You now have a perfect example of what NOT to become. Make the most of it. And don’t become like them. ¯ Hang in there. Don’t blame yourself. Love your sibling who is abusing. “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8) ¯ Tough love is the way to go. Don’t allow addicts to manipulate and use you. ¯ Do whatever it takes to support them. I did sacrifice a part of my life to help her recovery. My sister recovered through her first treatment so I’m not sure how much I would be willing to do if we went through this again. ¯ Try not to pretend it isn’t happening. Face the facts as soon as you feel something is happening that isn’t right. Go out of your comfort zone and get qualified people to help. ¯ Get healthy yourself. Get outside help and above all, build your relationship with the Lord. Do what you have to do to keep yourself and others around the abuser safe. ¯ Just be there. Pray and wait. ¯ Find support and talk about the mad, sad, glad and fear feelings. 10. Have you any advice for parents of a child abusing? How can parents help the sober sibling? What did your parents do right/wrong? For Parents: ¯ Talk to your kids about it. My parents tried and still do hide it from everyone, including us. ¯ For parents: tough love and do not make excuses for the son or daughter. I feel like my parents still are making excuses for my brother when he does something immature or inappropriate which is quite often. He still has a lot of growing up to do and still needs to learn a lot of responsibility and they have a hard time just making him learn the hard way and not making excuses for him. It’s hard to watch. ¯ Cut off the abuser financially as soon as you know. ¯ Don't take it personally. It wasn't anything you did or anything you could control. There are very few ways to help the sober sibling. Let them deal with it on their own as we each have different ways of getting through things. ¯ Parents did everything right they could have during this time. Only thing they did wrong was to hold out hope, too long and too often. The old saying, ‘hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice - shame on me’ didn't apply. It was more like, ‘hurt me a dozen times, I don't think you will the 13th time.’ Have given way too many chances. ¯ Pray for your kids. God is ultimately in control of their lives; give them up to God, do all you can to get them clean! Rehab, boarding school, whatever, but remember that the most important thing is who they are spiritually. To help the siblings ¯ Don't ignore what's going on in their lives. Graduations, grades, trips, whatever, are just as important as what the abuser is going through. ¯ Yes, pray for them if you do know the Lord. For those who don’t may I suggest that from my view point, He is everything as you surrender your life to Him. I don't know what my parents did "right" or "wrong". They followed the Lord and that is the way to go. ¯ Don't get weighed down by guilt. Your children's choices are just that: their choices. Stop doing anything you've done to contribute to the problem, but then move on. Don't let guilt rule your decisions. Deal with the problem at the first sign of drug use. If your child is under 18, I think the "boot camp" style rehabs are very effective. Don't wait until your child is over 18 to deal with the problem, because your ability to help them will be severely limited then. Have a united front. If the parents cannot agree on how best to deal with the drug abuser they probably won't be able to help them. If this is the case, maybe one parent needs to step aside. ¯ I think this is one of the main things my parents did wrong. My father still denies the extent of the problem and several times helped her get out of rehab by giving her car back to her. This undermined the whole treatment and sent her the message that it was ok to continue abusing drugs. I think one thing that my mother did right was to hold a hard line. Once my sister dropped out of rehab my mother would no longer support her. She wouldn't enable her by giving her money or letting her borrow a car or stay with her. ¯ I think the parents can help their sober children by being honest with them, helping them to understand it's not their fault, and (especially if they are young) not entangling them in the issues of the drug abuser and not making the drug abuser the center of the universe. Life should go on and the parents should still spend time with the other siblings or they may have the same problem on their hands again. ¯ Yes – get close to them and practice tough love. Seek professional help – not so much for the abuser, but for you. Parents can help the sober siblings by understanding that a dysfunctional family is one that revolves around one family member. What my parents did wrong, if it was wrong, was to be too naïve and guarded against the real world, attempting to live their lives sheltered behind stained glass windows, believing that if they did that their kids would be protected, too. My parents needed to be more worldly wise and not so afraid of their kids being exposed to worldly things – we needed to know it existed and how best to deal with it. Additionally, my parents could have been more open with others about what was going on. ¯ For parents of drug abusers, get them out of their environment, ASAP. It won’t matter how much you will miss them, you can either see them every day and watch them slowly kill themselves, or you can send them away for a relatively short while and save their life. For the sober sibling…I don’t know. I’ve hardened my heart in that area, since my sibling turned her back on me, and my parents went right with her. I guess I don’t have any advice. It’s hard to say, because my sibling obviously needed critical help, but I was going through one of the most difficult decision making times of my life and I went through that completely unassisted, and completely unnoticed. They did everything right as my sibling goes, but everything wrong in my case. But I don’t blame them, it was a really hard call to make, and they went with the more apparent problem. ¯ My parents ignored me. Don’t neglect the sober kid. They are hurting and feel the need and desire to hold the family together. Let them know it’s ok to feel pain and remind then that is not their fault. ¯ Don’t put too much pressure on the sober child to reach out to the addictive child. Having a relationship with an addicted sibling is hard because all they want to do is use and manipulate. ¯ Keep your valuables locked up e.g.; money, credit cards, and jewelry. When people are abusers, they are desperate and will do things that are totally out of character and will do what it takes to get money to feed their habit. If they have no petrol/food and you want to give them something, give them food or petrol vouchers or buy the food for them. Never give money or limit the money that you ever give them. Believe that the family member will get well – accept that it will be a draining time for the family but believe there will be an end to it. Ask for help from friends (which I did not). If they are in treatment, be as involved as you can be. ¯ Be honest about what is going on. Keep the communication open and real. My parents kept trying to pretend it wasn’t as serious an issue as it really was. ¯ Get help from professionals. As in the previous question, get healthy, get help, and build your relationship with the Lord. ¯ Find a good counselor that has experience in this and fully submit to their counsel. 11. Have you any advice for the abuser? One fourth of the respondents said, “no advice. I have given up trying to give advice.” ¯ Drugs and alcohol will ruin your life. There is nothing good about either one. They might be fun for a second but when you come down things will get worse and worse every time you turn to them. Your life can be so awesome without them and I can testify to that. ¯ Stop destroying yourself. ¯ You aren't alone and you're also not the only person in the world! Jesus is the only thing that fills that void; He's the only fulfilling ‘fun.’ ¯ To quit thinking about themselves because this life isn't about them it's about the Lord plus way more. ¯ Get help. Accept responsibility for your choices. ¯ Yes. Keep fighting it. Fight to win – don’t fight not to lose. ¯ I would not waste my advice on someone who is physically addicted to a substance. You can’t give advice to someone who refuses to listen, or thinks he/she is ‘fine’ the way they are. ¯ Your actions aren’t just affecting you. They are affecting and destroying our family. I love you no matter what and long to see you beat this. ¯ Be honest and don’t run from help no matter how hard it will be. If you keep running away, you will destroy yourself and your family. ¯ Accept that it will take time to build up trust again with family & friends. There is help out there if you want it. Life is fantastic when you live a life free of addictions to d/a. Recovery is not just about stopping the use, it is about healing. ¯ Whatever the underlying reason for the abuse is (and there always seems to be one) try to talk about it with someone – even if you have to tell a few people until you find someone who can help you. ¯ You do not have to do it alone. There are others who can walk along beside you. ¯ Seek Christian counselors/treatment centers. Secular help is not enough. ¯ Quit trying to handle this on your own. 12. What materials (books, articles, websites, and speakers) did you find helpful that we could share with others? Most of the respondents had no suggestions. Those offered were: the Bible; Andrew Murray’s books: Absolute Surrender, The New Life; Gerald May’s Addiction and Grace; Careforce Lifekeys programs by Dr. Allan and Helen Meyer. The website is www.careforcelifekeys.org; Books on co-dependency (Codependent No More); and material from Al-Anon was mentioned (www.al-anon.org). One person responded with, “Hah, God…and that’s it. Nothing speaks more clearly than Him. Especially when going through a difficult time when you seem alone.” The book: Hit By A Ton of Bricks: You’re Not Alone When Your Child’s on Drugs was recommended. (It can be purchased on this website) Very little helpful material was found in print regarding the survey’s topic. Amazon and Google were searched, finding mostly text books on drug abuse and family ramifications. Pertinent websites that could be helpful: www.Teenchallengeusa.com; www.blackwell-synergy/doi/pdf; www.al-anon.alateen.org; www.drugrehabtreatment.com/siblings; www.hismansion.com; and some other treatment centers were mentioned: Lighthouse Solutions, 877-562-2565; Calvary Center, 602-279-1468; 13. Was counseling sought for your parents, for the abuser or for yourself? If so, was it helpful and how? Some responses were: ¯ My brother, the abuser, did counseling but not long enough or consistent enough. ¯ I have been going to counseling for all different subjects. I think my brother and parents have too. It was helpful because you can be honest and open and get honest advice about what you are going through. A number said “Yes, it was a Christian based and was helpful.” ¯ Abuser - Yes, helped in the short term (days or weeks), but in long term couldn't overcome the addiction. Half of the respondents said “no,” or “didn’t know.” ¯ I think counseling can be very helpful, but it depends on the therapist. In our family, because of my parents’ separation they had separate counselors. My father's was not very helpful, but that could be because he did not want to go to counseling. My mother's was supportive and prayed with her, but didn't have a lot of experience with drug abuse. My sister has had several counselors, some were better than others, but I don't know how helpful they were…she hasn't seemed to listen to them. I saw a counselor for a while, but didn't really find it helpful. |