Incarceration

What if jail or prison becomes a part of your child's life?

We wish this question did not have to be answered.  A number of people have experienced this.  It hurts.  It is embarrassing.  We must remember that God never gives up on our child or us.  We must follow His lead. 

• Some parents have said that the phone call from the police station because of their child's drug offense caused "an explosion of pain."  They struggled with the question of what they had done wrong or how had they failed as parents.  The parent cannot give into these negative yet normal thoughts. The only way they learned to deal with the pain was to give it to God one day at a time and to talk to friends who had been there or who could offer support.
• Other parents have struggled with whether bailing their child out of jail was enabling their child.  The best answer we can offer is that there is no absolutely correct answer.  The issue has to be determined by whether the child is serious about sobriety and is not taking advantage of the parents' generosity.  The parents' motivation is to determine whether the bail will help the child in the long run.  In some cases parents have struggled that they are rejecting their child if they do not post bail.  In other cases, the child refuses to accept responsibility for his/her actions and accuses the parent of not loving him/her if they refuse to post bail.  As we said, this is a tough question.
• Some parents have struggled with the fact that they are "not being Spirit filled," "not loving one another," or "not turning the other cheek" when they have refused to post bail.  The enemy of our souls will attack us at every turn.  The basis of the decision should not be guilt.  It needs to be the long-term benefits for the child.
• As a parent there are lots of wasted and inconvenient time spent in court appearances, etc.  The parent is responsible for his or her own attitude.  Hopefully, these consequences will help the child to see the seriousness of his/her actions and cause him/her to change.  Uncompromising love that does not enable on the part of the parent seems to help the addict child.
• One parent talked about the positive aspects of jail by saying, "At least I knew my child was not on the streets using and selling drugs.  This thought was reflected by Zach Whaley, who said, "You must let pain do its work."
• Your goal must be to maintain or rebuild a relationship with the child, even if you hate what they have done and may continue to do.  This is probably not the time to "preach or teach" or to tell him/her any thing more.  The pain of the consequences of jail will do that.  (Read Todd Smoke's talk entitled, "A Sober View After Twenty Years of Abusing Drugs" to learn of consistent, uncompromising love of the parents and the value of jail.).

Read below for the perspective of a father whose son was incarcerated.

Our personal dilemma with our son in jail was not about posting bail, but whether to hire an attorney. We certainly could afford to hire a good attorney who probably could have gotten him off with very little if any jail time. Instead, because he couldn't afford to hire anyone on his own, we allowed him to be represented by a public defender (actually several different ones represented him over the year and a half his case took) . 

We watched the gross incompetence and the complete lack of care or interest in the PDs and our hearts just broke and we felt horribly guilty. Often the Public Defender would only look at his case file on his way into court. It was apparent that he had done nothing, had made no phone calls, and had not exerted any effort since the last time he was in court 4-6 weeks earlier. This scene was repeated with virtually every court appearance. 

I'm certain that a competent attorney who spent just a little time on this case could have speeded up the process, which was agonizingly slow, and could have gotten a much lighter sentence for our son. 

Ultimately we decided to let our son live with all the consequences of his choices and decided that for us to hire a good attorney would have been our "bailing him out" and enabling his bad behavior. 

In retrospect, I'm not sure that was the right choice. The system is severely broken. I'm not saying the judicial system is corrupt; it is just so hopelessly bogged down and inefficient.

We may or may not have made the right choice.  There are no easy answers.  Each parent must decide.  It was a tough time when our son was in jail.  We learned to walk "one day at a time," and we learned to rely on parents who were in or had experienced similar circumstances.  We also extend our sympathies and empathy to parents in this situation.  God is real, even though He seems distant sometimes.  Do not quit on God.  He is here, He is good; and that is enough.