Help for Parents with kids abusing drugs or alcohol.

There are any number of definitions of relapse and the reasons it happens. Our purpose here is not to argue but to explain. As is our custom on this website, we are willing to give conflicting views, which all come from good people whom we respect, so that the guests to the website can ultimately have a sense of maintaining or regaining their own emotional, spiritual, social and physical health as they deal with a beloved one who has relapsed.

We believe that God does “zap” some people and they are never tempted to drink/use again. However, God is God and He works however He wills…as Jesus says in John 3. We must be careful not to make an absolute out of any one way He works because He is God. Additionally, most of the people we know who have been “zapped” by God are still very resolute about being careful not to put themselves in compromising situations, etc. They do not take their sobriety for granted.

Relapse is defined simply as “falling back.” We subscribe to the idea that there are two kinds of relapses:

1. The first type of relapse happens a short time after getting clean/sober. In some cases, this person never was completely clean--physically and/or emotionally—because they had logged so little time in sobriety. In some cases they might not have dealt with the issues that were the root of abuse/addiction in the first place.

2. The second type of relapse happens after a significant period of time of sobriety. Some say this happens to “test” the power of the substance over the person, the reality of the addiction, or the commitment to sobriety. No matter what the reason it is a relapse…and it is dangerous.

Alcohol and drugs are always stimulating for the addict. The “practice” of addiction is a process. It is not just the drink or the needle in the arm. The excitement and thinking about the “high” happen before the drink or hit. This is why relearning (or learning for the first time) behavior and thought patterns is so very important.

Relapse often brings quick deterioration all the way back to where the addict/alcoholic was before he stopped drinking and using. It seems that when the using starts again, there is a need to “match the last high” and all sense of control is lost quickly. It only gets worse if one does not totally abstain because one does not use drugs or alcohol at an absolutely level rate for years on end. An expert in the field who has logged 30 years of sobriety writes, “Addiction is a chronic, evolving disease and silently grows whether I am drinking/using or not. It has been documented that if I have been sober for say two years and go back out, I will pick back up as if I had been drinking those two years. This is really an important learning “attention-getter” for early addicts: If I start again, I will be worse off than before.”

Hard work

Sobriety comes and is maintained as the result of a lot of hard work. It is not only the act of stopping the drinking or using; it is also the relearning (or, maybe learning for the first time) of a sober thought process and behavior. The necessary hard work is dependent on how committed the recovering person is to sobriety. Plus, the person must be willing to admit he is totally powerless over the stimulant or he will not place his dependence on God.

One friend of the You’re Not Alone ministry who was sober for nine years and then relapsed and now has been clean for seven years says, “In my heart of hearts, I really believe that each person’s relapse is experienced differently. There are some folks in recovery who are doing all of the right things, but still go back out. Most people in recovery relapse at some time in their quest for absolute sobriety.” Few things as complex as sobriety can be accomplished quickly or smoothly. There is a great deal of learning and practice that needs to take place in order to be sober every day in every situation. Generally, God does not “zap” people with sobriety. Generally, sobriety does not come naturally but through a lot of hard and determined work.

Relapse needs to be called what it is. It is relapse—not a slip—not a mistake—not a bad decision.

Relapse can be as little as one drink or one hit of a drug. No matter what it is, the person strays from a life of sobriety.

Relapse is a choice, an intentional choice. It is a decision of the will. This cannot be emphasized enough.

Working, Sharing, Listening, Participating

The testimony of a man who has been sober for 30 years will give perspective here. He writes, “The solution to all relapse is working a good program of support groups. (In his case it is AA.) There is a huge difference between going to a support group and working a good program. I can go to meetings and pretend I am on the right track, but working is much more than attending. It is participating, going early to meet and learn from discussions with old timers, sharing as much as possible during the meetings, staying after and listening. Relapsers think the program will work for them instead of their working the program. I can have a sponsor but if I do not call him early and ask for help immediately with life problems and situations and invite him honestly and intimately into my life then I am on the outside and looking in and pretending to be sober. I am closer to alcohol/pills than I am to sobriety. Addicts and sponsors have to be “minute to minute” connected. This allows for the ultimate relationship—a call before the first drink not after the first drink. If I am working my program seriously I pray daily for God’s strength to stay sober, I read from the Bible and I read from my books on staying sober. I have handy phone numbers of people to call if I am tempted. I must remember that I worked 24 hours a day to maintain my drinking/addiction, so it follows that I must work 24 hours a day to maintain sobriety. In my opinion there is no other way to prevent relapse.”

Concrete/Abstract

Addiction is not just taking the drink or the hit but is all the events surrounding it. As soon as the alcoholic/addict says, “I am going to take a drink/hit,” the stimulation begins. Therefore, relapse does not begin with the drink/hit, but when one gives into irrational thinking. This is the concrete start. Usually there has been an abstract start earlier. This is the moving toward the “slippery slope” by slipping and sloughing off in the program of sobriety. This is not being honest with temptation, not going to meetings, etc. It is subtle, deceptive and self-destructive, but it is real. Thus relapse starts when the abstract behavior starts.

Three dynamics

There seem to be three dynamics that set up and lead to relapse. In each case relapse seems to be an instantaneous event but it usually follows dysfunctional responses to life that occur over a period of time.

1. Irrational thinking
Irrational thinking creates corrosive attitudes and actions; it is necessary to admit these faults and correct them. Irrational thinking considers an immediate desire instead of the long-term consequences. Some of the excuses people use to justify relapse are: “I have been clean for a while and I can handle it,” “I deserve a break and I will just have one drink or hit,” “While I am with these people (drinking/using people) no one will know.” Also, the recovering addict sometimes begins to spend time thinking about the euphoric feeling he/she had when he was using/drinking. After all, the Bible does say, “There is pleasure in sin for a while.”

Much of this irrational thinking is a lack of acceptance of reality in order to escape feelings. Many addicts/alcoholics think life is not fair; they get angry. If they cannot find a parking space they think life is not fair instead of thinking that is reality. This reaction or behavior can lead to anger or obsessive and self-absorbed thoughts…which then cause the addict to need a drink/hit in order to feel good about oneself.

One part of sobriety is remaking one’s thinking patterns that have been there for a long time. For example, out of habit some feelings tell the addict: “You need a drink/fix.” That is not reality but a habit talking. This is why the phrases, “Just for today,” “One day at a time”, “This, too, shall pass,” etc., are so valuable. The Apostle Paul helps us in Romans 12 when he says we are to be “transformed by the renewing of the mind.”

One man tells why he quit relapsing, “I found that drinking no longer masked the hurts, my problems and what I was trying to get away from. In other words, alcohol was no longer working for me.” This incident underlines why some relapse: their thinking is irrational. They do not look at life rationally. This response is called addict thinking. The addict/alcoholic who is beginning to go into irrational thinking must defeat that kind of thinking with logical and responsible thinking.

People who are considering relapsing need to consider what it is they want to do with their relapse. In other words, what will it accomplish? One young man says he is still tempted to drink. He does not deny that he is tempted. Rather, he says, “I would still like to drink but I cannot handle alcohol. I think through what would happen if I took a drink. One drink would become two, two would become three and soon I would be out of control and doing stupid things. I do not want to be in that situation so I do not take the first drink.” He went on to explain it another helpful way. “I always try to ask myself, ‘What will this drink cost me?’ I know it will cost me $2.00. But, I also know it will cost me my home, my job, my family and a whole lot of trouble that I do not want to experience.”

One man says of his experience, “Relapse is not a word which carries the kind of weight necessary to convey truly its meaning—at least not for me. It sounds too much like something that just happens to someone. I know that I always planned a relapse and waited until the time was right for me to ‘get away with it.’ What a concept! The nature of my addiction made this strategy possible in that I had become a periodic drinker and user of drugs. Sometimes three months or six months would pass in a dry state. My last ‘relapse’ occurred after two and a half years of abstinence. Of course ‘sobriety’ was never my goal. I simply needed to recoup during these dry times. The times of recouping were no fun. Twenty-one years ago that all changed and the obsession was lifted once I realized that a sober life was the best option. The notion to drink or use again has, so far, not been an issue. Perhaps ‘descent’ is a more accurate word for how I used to relapse.”

Some people in recovery say they are able to have “a drink or two.” Our thinking is that they might be able to do that. But, often two drinks become three drinks, which become four drinks. Resistance is lowered, someone offers something more powerful, and it is taken. Consequently, the abuser/addict is now on the road to losing control of his/her life once again.

2. Inappropriate feelings
Some counselors say feelings cannot be inappropriate. But, what we do with them can be inappropriate. So, the issue is the same: the addict must take responsibility for sober living. Alcoholics Anonymous says the highest incidence of relapse happens anywhere from 9 to 14 months into sobriety. This happens because the recovering person sees how many problems he needs to solve that he avoided while drinking/using and finds it easier to relapse than to face reality and solve the problems.

Alcoholics Anonymous says the second highest incidence of relapse happens anywhere from 18 to 24 months into sobriety. This happens because the recovering person begins to get cocky and self-confident and thinks, “I do not need God, my accountability group or ‘The Program.’ I can have a drink or I can have another hit of my favorite drug.” Relapse is one drink or one hit…and the downward slope begins again.

Many people relapse when they do not understand and avoid H-A-L-T, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These are legitimate emotions and feelings. If the recovering person is not aware that one of these emotions can put him on the “slippery slope’ then he is probably headed for trouble. For example, anger can be very stimulating. If the anger is not dealt with in an appropriate manner, then the anger can be the impetus for more stimulation or it can make one feel as though he is in control. When one feels he is in control, he sometimes feels he could control another drink.

Loneliness can lead to depression and the one in recovery sometimes thinks he/she can drown that sorrow with a drink. Thus, it is very important to be aware of emotions and what one is feeling so the feelings do not gain control. Some people do not know what the feelings are they are having. So, counseling can be helpful in their recovery because they learn more about themselves and how they think and feel. Part of sobriety is to know appropriate ways to express feelings and emotions. These include prayer, reading the Bible, journaling, sharing with a trusted friend and acceptance of reality.

A friend of this ministry and a recovering addict says that having a person or group to which he is accountable and who ask him tough questions is one of the best ways to help him avoid relapse. He sometimes feels his accountability to humans is stronger than it is to Christ. This probably is not bad because recovery after all is a journey of faith and faith grows like a muscle. Sometimes we see Christ in our brothers and sisters when we cannot see Him.

One recovering alcoholic says of relapse, “I think relapse is just like trying to explain or define people’s drinking habits. It is each individual's journey. Their experiences of the relapse aren't necessarily the way I experienced it, or why I relapsed. Sometimes it is trauma or terrible experiences that send them back out. Some folks can handle trauma better than others. This is why support groups are so very important to help us stay sober.” In recovery, we take turns helping each other and the #1 help is to have someone to listen to us.

In Romans the Apostle Paul says, “The things I want to do I do not do and the things I do not want to do, I do.” He is writing about temptation. Addicts in recovery will be tempted to drink/use. They do not need to give into the urge to drink. That is part of Step One: “I am powerless.” When the addict admits to being tempted to relapse, then he/she can call on the power of the Holy Spirit to surmount the temptation.

Staying sober is a combination of our will and God’s power. One cannot work without the other. When the abuser/addict has the will to stay clean, then God’s power kicks into action and empowers the addict not to relapse.

A drug counselor comments, “Relapse sometimes happens because the addict does not accept God’s answer of ‘no’ for the day. The answer is no, the addict gets unhappy and tries to assuage those negative feelings by going back to old habit patterns of use and abuse. The addict needs to change his/her thinking through groups, counseling, reading the Bible…whatever it takes so the addict is gradually growing in recovery. If the addict is not moving forward then the addict is moving backwards.”

The spouse of an alcoholic who refuses to admit the addiction says, “My humble idea of people who relapse is that they are not fully dealing with reality. They are seeking and searching outside of themselves. They use a false means of being accepted or loved and are not truly accepting of themselves. They are afraid to make the connection between their true self and their false self. After a person has totally gone through rehab and gotten all the drugs or alcohol out of the system I think it is no longer considered a disease. I do agree that relapse is a conscious choice. The person who relapses does not have a full understanding and insight about himself and his self worth. That does not mean he is weak but that he has not done the work that it takes to be a loving, trusting and whole person. I think he continues to live the negativity of his past behavior and fails to see the beauty of reality and a brand new day.”

3. Self-defeating actions and putting oneself near “The Slippery Slope”
The “slippery slope” happens when the addict/alcoholic is not paying attention to his condition. This includes not thinking about what activities, places or people are likely to trigger dangerous thoughts, feelings or situations. It is important to identify the threat and accept the reality of it. He must be aware of the slope…and the temptation to fall. There is no other way to say it.

A friend of the ministry of You’re Not Alone was told by relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, “You are a born again Christian. You can have a glass of wine with us.” She took the drink and says of the result, “I lost everything!” That was very bad advice to give. Thankfully, she went to treatment and has been sober for 11 years.

She is adamant about not having one drink at any time for the rest of her life.

She goes onto say, “I DID NOT consciously intend to take that first drink after nine years. My situation and the reasons why I relapsed were because:

a. I stopped going to 12-step meetings.
b. I stopped fellowshipping with those in recovery.
c. I did not change behavior.
d. I did not have a sponsor.
e. I thought I could socially handle the drinking after all those years.
f. I was in complete denial of the disease.
g. I white-knuckled any chaos, pressure or trauma in my life, with an attitude
that I could handle it instead of relying on God.
h. I believed and was told God really loved me and I didn't have a disease.
i. I was complacent and comfortable in my life (actually, kinda bored!).
j. I isolated myself, stopped sharing honestly and made excuses for not attending functions with other sober people.
k. I went to slippery places that served my “drug of choice.”

It is important to reiterate that relapse begins long before the first drink/pill is taken. Thinking and irrational decision-making are in a very recognizable decline long before the relapse. Unfortunately, those around the addict do not notice this change because the addict is not using or drinking. Thus, friends assume “everything must be okay.” Those who have a serious setback on Monday and drink on Tuesday have been in a relapse mode for some time. Relapse does not happen in a knee-jerk reaction.

Solomon helps us understand the need to stay away from the “slippery places” when he writes, not in the context of drugs or alcohol, but of sex, “I was looking out the window of my house one day and saw a simpleminded young man who lacked common sense. He was crossing the street near the house of an immoral woman. He was strolling down the path by her house in the twilight, as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in. The woman approached him, dressed seductively and sly of heart.” Solomon helps us understand that the recovering addict/alcoholic needs to stay far away from what will bring him or her down, far away from the “slippery places.” The recovering addict/alcoholic often thinks he has achieved a state of “wellness,” which precludes him from taking the necessary steps to stay well. Numbers of recovering addicts are adamant that sobriety is a lot of hard work.

Dealing With A Relapsed Loved One

The response we hear more than any other from the loved ones of the recovering addict/alcoholic is the fear that the person will go back out even after many years. This is a natural fear. One man said, “The fear disappears sometime after 15 years after your kid gets out of treatment.” (The man’s son had been out of treatment and sober for 15 years. The father was admitting that the fear of relapse had not gone away for him.)

The Apostle Peter helps us with this fear when he writes, “Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.” We see this kind of “casting” in the life of Jesus when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was arrested and then crucified. He was bewildered, stressed and under pressure. He was sweating drops of blood because of the stress but He models for us the “casting” when He prayed, “Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from Me.” He did not deny the pressure and stress. He shows us by His example that spiritual maturity is to admit pain and fear and to cast them on God the Father.

Loved ones of relapsers feel a great sense of devastation, betrayal, and sometimes obsession with the drug’s effects. Hopes are dashed. They were on Cloud Nine and now feel they are in the manure pile. One father describes it as, “having the air sucked out of your lungs.” Some feel manipulated because they have been supportive of their child and now learn that the child has been lying again. One father upon hearing this issue of manipulation for the first time responded, “This is so real!” He knows because his wife and he have been manipulated by their addict/child.

One thing parents need to prepare for is the reality of what will happen to their emotions if their loved one does relapse. One man whose son was in and out of treatment centers for 20 years before getting sober says, “Every time our son went into a program our hopes soared and then crashed when he fell out. As the years went by, we often felt little hope he would ever recover.”

Many parents experience a loss of trust after relapse. The addict wants to be trusted again, usually before it is possible for parents, family or friends to do so. On the other hand, family and friends feel vaguely guilty for not being able to let go of those untrusting feelings. Sometimes our desire to trust and be trusted leads us to give more privileges than the addict has earned. This “trust” is harmful to both parties. This is the central issue: that trust must be earned and it is part of the hard work the addict must do. One mother writes, “One message I found helpful was to separate the trust from the love. I always loved my addicted child, even when I could not trust him. We need to stress that love is unconditional but trust is earned. I agree that a major part of addiction is deception. Deception might be the key way that Satan uses addiction. He promises a fix that is not possible through a substance. We cannot trust a substance user any more than the substance itself. We must put our trust completely and only in the One Who is trustworthy. God would not have us naïve about trusting. Trust is also separate from letting go. The parent must let go so the addict can test himself. Success is the basis for trust in the future.”

A researcher on the stress drugs bring into a family says about relapse, “I believe recovery is a process. The addict is embedded in a physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual struggle. He takes baby steps into a drug-free world without the one tool he has relied on to deal with life: his chemical of choice. The tools of the recovery trade must be used every day to become an expert. We all know the first time you use a hammer your thumb usually takes a beating. You have to practice. For parents, this means letting their child practice using the tools of recovery without panic. At first the kids are like fish out of water...no sober friends, no sober activities, no patience, and a terrible craving for their best friend, which is alcohol or the drug. Importantly, even after a period of success, how can the addict measure progress? Only by being in that using situation or with a using friend.” When you think about it, the Bible tells us that Jesus “grew in wisdom and stature.” Moses tells parents to teach God’s commandments when at home, when traveling and when they lie down to sleep. That is another way of saying, “Use life as the teaching moments.” The addict/alcoholic has lived a life away from rules and discipline. Thus, he needs to work hard to make up for the time lost and lessons he has not learned. One man says, “As a parent I show my child respect when I say, ‘It is a mistake and I believe you will do the hard work necessary to recover. I will not enable the steps you need to take for yourself.’”

Triggers

Triggers are those things that initiate the temptation to use. Each person has different triggers. One man says Christmas is a trigger for him because when he walks into stores he sees liquor packaged in delightful colors. Another says the convenience store signs all over his city are triggers for him because for so many years he left work at the end of the day and went to the convenience store to buy a 12-pack which he went home and drank every night. The family member can lovingly remind (one time…not over and over) the addict/alcoholic of the triggers that can cause relapse if care is not taken. Parents are often tempted to “bail out” or enable their child when relapse happens. Obviously, we are disappointed. But, we must also be willing to “let pain do its work.” It is helpful for the family of the recovering one to realize the reality of “triggers.”

Another man says he does not know what “triggers” him. He just knows when he is in a frustrating situation that he cannot handle, the temptation to use returns. He has learned that he simply and immediately needs to walk away from that situation. He is saying people and situations can bother him but he is responsible for his sobriety. If he relapsed, he knows it is because he did not leave the frustrating person or circumstance. The issue of triggers underlines the fact that ultimately the addict/alcoholic is the only one who can make the decision to stay sober or relapse.

There are both internal and external triggers. Internal triggers usually relate to attitudes and thought patterns. External triggers relate to other people, circumstances and places. In both cases it is necessary to know and admit what triggers the addict/alcoholic. Then if continued sobriety is the genuine desire of the heart the recovering addict/alcoholic avoids the triggers that cannot be controlled and learns to deal with the ones that can be controlled.

Responsibility

The spouse of an alcoholic writes, “I really feel that I cannot add much to the subject only because my spouse is still drinking his two or three beers a day. He is under the care of a physician who does not consider him an alcoholic in the true sense. All I know is that as of now he is not acting as he did before we split up. We have the understanding that if his behavior becomes erratic again he will no longer be welcome in my life. If this is naive on my part them I do take full responsibility for it.” It is good for the addict to know they cannot control the alcohol or drug, and it is good for the family members to know we cannot control the addict.

The spouse of the addict/alcoholic who continues to relapse must decide for himself and the children how much he can take before he leaves or asks the relapser to leave. Ultimately, the sober spouse is responsible for his personal well-being and that of the children.

The parents of a child who continues to relapse likewise must decide for themselves how much they can take before they ask the child to leave or return him or her to a treatment facility. Obviously, the age of the child is a factor in this decision. Family members do not have to tolerate or enable relapse. Sometimes they need to “let pain do its work” to help the relapser come to his or her senses. Solomon is clear that we are to depart from a fool and not try to reason with him. In some measure the one who relapses is a fool. Family members must be willing to let the loved one accept responsibility for their decision to use and abuse. The reality is that our loved one becomes a different person because of alcohol/drugs.

This honesty underlines the temptation for the family member to enable the relapse instead of calling it for what it is: relapse. For those of us who have never been faced with the temptation to enable, it is hard to understand the temptation and confusion that surround enabling. Parents do not enable because they are bad parents but because they love their kids. It is never loving to make it easy for someone to kill himself or herself with an addiction. This is why parameters must be set. Parents do not kick their kids out of the house; they set rules and if the rules are broken they say, “You have chosen to live elsewhere. You made the decision to leave.”

One recovering addict says the fear of what his wife and kids will say if he relapses makes him work hard to stay sober. Thus, we are unequivocal in stating that we think consequences are a good thing for the recovering person to know he will face if he relapses.

Philippians 2:13 says, “For it is God who works in you to will and act according to His purpose.” Because the human will plays such a big role in sobriety, it is important for the family members of the loved one to pray that God will be at work in their lives deepening their will to remain sober and rely on Him for the strength needed to stay sober. Also, it is important for family members to let God do His work without their interference. A good question to ask is: “Am I relying on God and trusting Him to work in the life of my loved one?”

We humans are such complex subjects that there are no average or typical reactions to any set of circumstances. It is like looking at a painting: each person has their whole life's experiences from which to draw when they observe the painting. Some see it as a collection of objects or colors. Others see it as a deeper picture into their past experiences. Neither one is wrong in their observation; it is just a simple matter of what their life experiences are. Each person has their own set of values and experiences and they can only draw from those. In the context of relapse then the recovering addict must make the decision to stay sober…no one else can make it for him/her.

One whose husband continues to drink has been very helpful with her insights. She says, “Throughout the journey of my life I have learned that to overcome negativity I have to face what is real, not what I wish something or someone would be. I will compare it to wanting a beautiful luxurious gift when you know that person will always give you something that is useful. You can accept that gift even though it wasn't what you wanted, or you can feel negative and continue wishing for something that you will not receive. The same can be said about the people we love. We can accept them as they are or constantly make ourselves unhappy with false expectations of who or what we want them to be or how we want them to behave. This is definitely a matter of trying to control others to fit into our mold. Another example would be to set up expectations for the impossible frustration. For example I love peaches. If I wanted to bite into a juicy ripe peach and instead I pick up an orange and bite into it, I want to taste the peach but instead I would taste orange. When I do this, I am not dealing with the reality of what is. This is a sure way to set up a disappointment. In this regard, ultimately I cannot make my loved one stay sober. I cannot prevent relapse. I must deal with reality and protect myself and let pain do its work in the life of my family member.”

The father of a recovering addict says, “I can recover from my inappropriate behaviors. As a parent I must look at my part of the relationship and ask, ‘What can I change?’ One of the things I learned as my addicted son and I were going down the road to recovery was that each time I cleaned up one of his messes such as court, debt, car wreck, lost job, etc., I sent him a message. That message was, ‘You cannot do it for yourself. You cannot do it without my aid in some way.’ I learned I was treating him with disrespect. I changed my mind and then changed my behaviors. I allowed him the dignity of finding his own answers to his own problems.”

A father whose son relapsed many times before getting sober says, “What I know now that I did not know when this journey started is that “spin dry” 30, 60 or 90 day programs did not work for us. They were seldom tough enough and at best had little follow up. I now know that recovery takes TIME. The 12-24-month treatment has the best chance of really helping people stay clean and sober. We live in an instant culture where people want quick fixes and they usually do not work. Therefore relapse for our son was inevitable. Recovery is a lifetime process and a good program will take some real time from your life. Good follow-up is a vital key. Without good follow-up, relapse is almost inevitable.”

He continues, “For our son shorter programs just didn’t have the impact that longer ones did. He was in and out of several shorter programs. He even did the _______________ program, which lasted 6 months to a year. We felt it did not work because it was outdated preaching and really not tough enough. He lasted four months in that. The twelve-step program that keyed his recovery was run by a no-nonsense guy who was a long haul guy. His program demanded our son have a full time job and pay his way while he lived in the recovery house. Too many programs are too expensive and don’t focus on the ‘You, not your parents, are going to pay for this program so you better get serious.’”

There is a very fine line among Christian compassion, patience, turning the other cheek and the “tough love” that is truly effective for the family members of the alcoholic/abuser. The addict is desperate, cunning and knows all the tricks and will use them without hesitation on the “cheek turners.” This is a sad but proven fact. You cannot love an alcoholic sober. Prayer, pain, tough love and God’s intervention seem to be the only answer.

Ultimately, family members have to realize their quality of life is not determined by the addict but by how they themselves choose to live it. They do not have to stay devastated. It is their choice. Family members can learn from their mistakes and do better next time. We can detach from our beloved addict/alcoholic without losing our love for them. We just learn to “love from a distance” as we turn them over to the love and care of God who loves them more than we do. At some point we must accept the fact that our words have no effect on the one we love. Only God can change him. It is time for us to focus on our own emotional, spiritual, physical and social well-being. And, just as the addict has to admit he is powerless over drugs/alcohol so the family members, the innocent victims, have to admit being powerless over feeling devastated, being sad, etc. and ask God to work in miraculous ways in our lives…in a way that brings glory only to Him.