Tough Love / Denial, Enabling

It is tough to be tough with my child. I think I must give him/her another chance. What do you say?

• We parents are in this bind because we love our children; we created them; we want what is best for them. On the other hand, we must remember that there is normal logic and then there is "addict logic." Addict logic is not something we parents can understand. Of course, we want to give "one more chance." However, the addict should not be enabled.
• One more chance may be enabling. Get help.  Your kid's drug is their beloved "mistress."
• Kids do not need another reprieve. They need contracts with consequences.
• If your child is experimenting with, abusing or addicted to drugs or alcohol, he/she is probably lying to you. Remember, illicit drugs are of the devil, who is the agent of lies, not truth. So, if you are expecting truth from a kid who is using drugs, you are being naïve. They do not want the drugs taken away and they do not want to say "no" to their friends.
• Also, if you are like most parents to whom we talk, you are not experienced in this sort of thing. You do not need to feel guilty about that. There is no way all of us can know about drugs. Therefore, deal with it like any other ignorance.

How do I know if I am enabling my child?

• Enabling is making excuses, covering up or giving one more chance without forcing the addict to assume responsibility for his/her actions.
• If we as the parents keep repeating the same actions toward the child and giving more chances but see the same response or non-response, then we are probably enabling.
• Know the signs of addiction: changes from normal behavior, change in grades, poor behavior, bad behavior at home.  If you see any of these signs, act.

What is denial?

• Denial is not admitting the truth of the situation and actually making an effort to avoid the truth.
• Denial is easy for Christians because we say we "give everything to God," and that "Christians are not supposed to worry." Often these are games we play to avoid the truth of the issue we should admit and deal with.
• When asked about feelings, we often shift to thoughts.  But if we're feeling pain over our child's behavior, this is a step beyond denial.

My spouse is in denial about our child's use. What advice do you have? 

• It is not unusual for parents to deny their kid's using.  Try to talk with him/her about what you see.
• We must be responsible for our own feelings and our own level of understanding of the problem.
• We must try to respect our mate's feelings. We may have to agree to disagree.
• When parents agree on a problem and a course of action to take, they can rely on and draw strength from one another.
• When parents disagree or one is in denial, tensions arise. At this point counseling, support groups and leaning on a compassionate friend are strongly recommended.