“A Review of the Pastors' Children Abuse Drugs/Alcohol: Why? Answers for the Future”
  A summary

Seventeen percent of pastors surveyed have a child who is abusing or has abused drugs or alcohol, according to Barna research, commissioned by You’re Not Alone.  Of that group, 74% did not seek professional help.

All children raised in a minister’s home experience  pressure that others do not experience, according to a survey administered by You’re Not Alone.

Pressures originating from many sources made them feel they had to be an example of perfection, and felt the church placed expectations on them that did not apply to parishioners’ children.

Many felt they had to be “good” or their parents’ reputation would be tarnished.

Parents weren’t blamed for the drug / alcohol abuse by most of the kids.  However, over half said their parents didn’t teach them regarding drugs or alcohol or were not expressive of their feelings; consequently, their own buried feelings were part of the cause for addiction.

Peer pressure and provision of drugs from friends contributed significantly to the abuse.

Feeling inadequate, insecure and inferior was the major pain for which most kids medicated themselves. Many felt accepted by the drug crowd and not by other sources.

The average age for experimenting was 15. It usually took 5 years to realize the experimenting had become addiction. A  “bottoming out” experience brought this awareness.

Ingredients for effective treatment in most cases were: readiness; a knowledgeable 12-step residential program of at least 30 days; and, a lengthy consistent outpatient plan. Many felt a personal encounter with God was foundational.

Drugs and alcohol were symptomatic of deeper problems. Most kids realized that without allowing God to work significantly in their lives, these deeper issues would still be there even if they stopped abusing chemicals.

Suggestions for pastors derived from the children's' responses were:

Keep lines of communication open regarding stress, feelings, drug and alcohol education. Be quick to listen attentively.

Children need an environment of acceptance and success within an atmosphere that cultivates their self-image based on Biblical principles of security and significance.  

“An Analysis of the Pastors' Children Abuse Drugs/Alcohol: Why? Answers for the Future”

Background: According to a study by Barna Research Group, commissioned by You’re Not Alone, 17% of the pastors surveyed have a child who is abusing or has abused drugs or alcohol.

You’re Not Alone, an organization that ministers to pastors who have children abusing drugs or alcohol, provides a web site and conferences as an avenue of support and instruction. During several conferences, the question kept surfacing, “Why do kids, raised in good homes, use and abuse drugs / alcohol?” 

Purpose of the review:   To ascertain why children raised in ministry homes are drawn to and abuse or become addicted to drugs / alcohol.

Methodology:   Pastors, most of whom attended a You’re Not Alone conference, were called to gain permission to interview their child who was having or had experienced a chemical addiction or had abused drugs / alcohol. With these children, ranging in age from 17 to 41, a lengthy phone interview took place.

Executive summary:   Pastors may be well grounded  in doctrine and theology, but may be lax in ministry beginning in the home. However, no matter the climate of the home, children make their own choices.

The reality:   Every child interviewed in this survey said they felt pressure being a PK (pastor’s kid) raised in a pastor’s home. The scene is probably best described by Timothy Sanford in his book “I Have To Be Perfect:”

Being a PK is a lot like being a white lab rat; everybody observes you,  pokes at you, tests you, measures you, surveys you; but, nobody wants to climb inside the cage and be your friend. No one is willing to see the world from your vantage point. No one is willing to touch the world that touches you or even listen to you describe it.

The pressure  -  which can lead to abuse - appears to originate in five arenas:

• church peers

• church adults

• parents

• friends

• within oneself

Ì    Church peers

            Perception by church peers ran the gamut from

x    I felt I had to be the good, shining example of a leader

x    I was a typical PK, a rebel.

Ì    Church adults

            Adults within the local church continued the squeeze with: “Be a poster child, a perfect kid who is a leader.” The general feedback was, “as long as I complied, I was perceived in favor. When I rebelled, I was looked down upon and my father’s image was marred.” Eighty percent felt the church placed expectations on them that did not apply to parishioners' children.

Ì    Parents

            Parents added tension to the children with their own imperfections.

x    Ninety percent of the children felt parents didn’t understand or communicate with them                    regarding the PK pressure issues.

x    About half of the respondents to the survey felt their father was not available to them because of his work focus.

x    Though most of them didn’t blame their parents for the drugs or alcohol, half of them indicated parenting skills that affected them. Some responses were:

• They were too controlling and unaccepting of me;

• legalism triggered my rebellion;

• they were overprotective;

• too strict;

• they didn’t ask the tough questions about my using;

• they pushed me too hard in athletics, academics and/or church;

• my parents were so wrapped up in their problems, they didn’t even notice I was on drugs  until two weeks after I quit.

                        Seventy-five percent reported parents who had

                        close relatives who were abusers of drugs or alcohol.

            Thirty percent of the children experienced a number of moves. However, 17% indicated that one move at a crucial time of life left them in a position in a new school where they had no friends, which contributed to the drug abuse.

            Half of the children didn’t receive teaching from their parents regarding drugs and alcohol. The most productive teaching was presented in a milieu of unconditional love and leading by example. The least productive teaching was through nagging, threats, legalism (religious rules) and controlling.

            Parents’ reactions to discovering their child’s abusing was varied. Responses were: anger, strict punishment, surprise, disappointment, sadness, calm acceptance, fear, worry about what they had done wrong and confusion.

            Not being in touch with feelings is often attributed to the abuse of drugs. Over half had a parent or both parents who didn’t express feelings.

Seventy-six percent indicated anger toward parents, but explained quite dysfunctional ways of handling it, listing:

argued, rebelled, stuffed it and numbed it out, stole, yelled,

threatened to kill dad, thought suicide, became passive aggressive and did what I wanted to do, sullenness, built up inside until there were explosions & temper tantrums.

Ì    Friends

            Over 75% of the children abusing said that friends were  a significant issue in their abuse. 

Acceptance and camaraderie (peer pressure) played a key  role. The drug connection provided by friends was also important.

Ì    Self Esteem

            Self-perception played a major role in the emotional load the PK carried. Over 80% indicated that chemical abuse was a way to medicate oneself from pain in life, the greatest stressor being self-perception. Descriptions used were:

            I wasn’t comfortable with me. I felt inferior, insecure and inadequate. I was lonely. I didn’t fit in with the cool kids, so I switched to  abusers for acceptance.

Other reasons for medicating were:

w        moved to a private school where I was treated as the runt, the outcast - it was a horrible

w        depression, anger, confusion, guilt, fear, worry, boredom;

w        a family move brought loneliness and anger that couldn’t be expressed;

w        painful family issues of mental illness, parental abandonment and intense family conflict;

w        it was a painkiller that always cured (temporarily);

w        enjoyed the feeling; to be mellow and happy;

w        being accepted by druggie friends;

w        to numb oneself to escape from feeling (including the pressure of being a PK);

w        to prove I wasn’t a goodie-goodie;

w        escape from being grounded all the time and from the strict upbringing;

w        lack of meaning in life.                            

The earliest age to begin experimenting with drugs or alcohol was 11 - the oldest, 21, with the average age being 15. Seventy-five percent stated they began with both drugs and alcohol. On the average, it took the child five years to realize the experimenting had turned to abuse and possible addiction.

Realization:

            To the question posed: What caused you to recognize you were out of control,

          “hitting bottom” seemed to be the general theme. Some specific responses were:

§         after the DUI;

§         kicked out of the house, partied instead of ate;

§         during treatment, saw what I was becoming;

§         when I couldn’t stop, and lying to my parents;

§         parents’ intervention;

§         too drunk to control myself;

§         feeling less great when stoned;

§         when drugs went IV;

§         finally saw the rough crowd with whom I associated;

§         the story line of a TV show, 7th Heaven, hit me and I never used drugs again;

§         getting arrested - felony prison time;

§         getting out of the hospital, homeless, and boyfriend threatened to murder me;

§         saw my life as meaningless, mooching off others, no goals;

§         drinking alone;

§         very sick and near death;

§         saw how it controlled my money, time and relationships;

§         a friend’s confrontation and seeing how I was ruining a college opportunity;

§         overdose.

All of the children interviewed experienced some sort of “rehab treatment.”

x    In-patient therapy ranged from 14 days to 13 months.

x    Many described different lengths of time in day treatment.

x    Others reported various versions of 12-step programs.

x    One person said the discipline of the Marines was his treatment. 

x    Another paid for part of his treatment and that seemed significant to him.

x    Some who were still abusing said they tried treatment but weren’t ready for it.

            Over 90% indicated that their self esteem was better or much better, compared to when they first began experimenting. When asked why the change, they responded with comments like the following:

• being more productive and responsible;

• working at changing weaknesses;

•  doing what is right and know where I’m headed;

• learning to see self as a child of God;

• found a group of caring friends;

• felt I accomplished something in treatment - God helped me;

• self esteem is more internalized, not based on what others think of me;

• being on my own and away from parents;

• finding my own spirituality, not what my parents and church wanted me to believe;

• getting involved with Christ.

            Though half of the children said there was a sense of God’s presence when they were using drugs or alcohol, most of that number indicated no sense of guilt. Of those who felt guilt, most thought it was toward their parents, not God. The diminished sense of guilt seemed to originate from a sense of denial of God, probably best encapsulated by the statements:

                        I drifted from God, where others rebelled.

                                      I became an atheist to do what I wanted to do.

Those who felt guilt were asked how it expressed itself. Some of the comments were:

x    A remorseful asking of God to help me....

x    Inwardly, I drank it off....

x    Isolated myself from good friends....

x    Lashed out in anger....

x    Heavy heart (depression) because of the destruction in my life....

x    Made up for it by being sweet and nice....

x    I stayed away from home.

It is interesting to note that 30% classified

themselves as leaders; 50% as followers and 20% as loners.

In comparing childhood to adolescence,

there was a 50% increase in anger,

depression and rebellion in adolescence.

Seventy percent felt they excelled in at least one area in high school.

Lessons learned:  

When asked what were the most important lessons learned through the abuse/addiction ordeal, these were some of the responses:

• Be more careful in choosing friends.

• How much God loved me even when I was His enemy. His grace lessens my pressure to perform.

• I brought the hard times on myself.

• Personal responsibility; don’t blame parents; love self for who you are, not for what you want to be or what others think you should be.

• God is working in me.

• God’s power, love and acceptance.

• There were reasons for my pain and I’m going through this to help others.

• No point in hoping you’re someone you’re not. Be more okay with self, no matter the results. Be more  sensitive to others’ short comings and less judgmental.

• Drugs and alcohol are a dead end road. Trouble only. No useful life commitment.

• I feel real lucky I'm still alive. It made me think of the issues that drove me to drugs. I am working through it. Sobriety is where it’s at. It’s great to love Jesus Christ.

• Once you lose trust, it is hard to get it back.                  

• Drugs are only symptomatic.

• Nothing can take the place of Christ. Pot only filled the void temporarily. 

• It’s not about perfection. It’s about growth.

Further insights:

To the question: “What else would you like to tell us?” responses included:

• Encourage parents to hang in there, even in darkest hours. The Word will bear fruit.

• See the reality of the Good News of Jesus Christ as a journey. The journey may be different than parents’ but is not less authentic.

• Considering how uninvolved I was when I was a teenager, it could have been helpful to have had something for me that I enjoyed.  Parents need to be more open and expressive and have no outrageously high expectations for their kids.

• Nobody’s gonna quit until they are ready to quit. I wish I had quit many moons ago. Hope kids catch on sooner and not have to go through the rough ride I had. I’m grateful for the court system that scared me with a prison term if I didn’t get help.

• You can leave home physically but not emotionally. Feelings go with you. Deal with the feelings and don’t camouflage with drugs.

Wisdom for pastors and their children:

To the question: “If you have words of wisdom for pastors and their children to lessen their chances of using and abusing, what would those words be?” responses included: 

• Teach kids to be a supportive friend.

• Pastors: don’t blow your kids mistakes out of proportion.

• Pick your battles. Appearance is not that big of a deal, (nose ring, colored hair, etc.) My parents battled me over a nose ring and we almost lost the war to drugs. Don't keep arguing with your kid; walk away at times. Relate, understand before you rebuke.

• Love your kid unconditionally even when he/she is abusing. Ask God for strength and depend on Him.

• Parents: talk to your kids about PK pressure and how to adapt; tell kids if they, as parents, experimented or abused when they were kids. Share feelings.

• Never stop talking to your children. Things change so fast; world views can change so rapidly and life can be so confusing. Affirm your children’s communication to get them to talk more, like: “Hey, that’s a great thought.”           

• Don’t force religion. Let them seek out own relationship with God. If they stray, keep a watchful eye but don’t come down hard because it drives them away.

• Be patient. Encourage with unconditional love. Be consistent and pray.

• Kids need treatment, not just a: “Go to church and get right with God.” The AA Big Book and a sponsor got me sober. Then I met God. As I saw Him working in my life, I grew in faith.

• Don’t rescue your child if he’s not ready to get sober. Let pain do it’s work. Keep the lines of communication open.

• Don't be naive. It can happen to any kid.

Answers for the Future:

            As pastors wrestle with complex issues of church and family, a key concern must be “chemical-proofing” their children. Application of sound parenting skills providing for a secure home environment doesn’t guarantee results in producing healthy children. However, based on the responses to our survey, key concepts enhance a child’s resistance to being a PK.

&   Pastors’ kids need open communication with their parents:

Ÿ Communication and clarification about PK stress.

Ÿ Communication about feelings, especially allowing anger to be expressed in a constructive              manner. Could it be that the pastor’s focus is so cognitive and doctrinal that feelings are disregarded?

Ÿ Communication that includes a large dose of listening.

Ÿ Communication that involves drug and alcohol education.

&   Pastors can be more be sensitive to their children's need for an environment of acceptance and success.

&   Possibly the greatest pastoral ministry is to build an awareness in each child of their self esteem from a Biblical perspective. (Knowing God as Father. Knowing who they are in Christ. Knowing themselves - their strengths and weaknesses.) This awareness begins with the pastor’s own self perception, taught and modeled to children when they are very young.

Contributing sources for the study:

x    Forty-three pastors were called for permission to speak with their child.

x    Permission was given to speak with 22. At times, permission was not given for the following reasons:

*   he is in jail;

*   he committed suicide;

*   he’s gone and there is no contact;

*   he’s (she’s) too fragile;

*   he won’t interview, he just wants to put it behind him;

*   he’d be seen as a project and not want to cooperate;

*   he’s in the military;

*   I don’t want my son interviewed because it would damage our relationship.

Research Personnel:

Research was conducted under the guidance of Dr. James Wetherbe, Bobby G. Stevenson Chair, Information Technology, Texas Tech University. Researchers were Dr. Ray Burwick and Carol Cashman, an experienced Social Sciences interviewer.

For further information or to schedule a speaker, contact:

            You’re Not Alone

            10105 East Via Linda, Suite 103, PMB 360

            Scottsdale, AZ  85258

            480-752-8994
            e-mail: info@notalone.org

For parents who have kids abusing drugs/alcohol, log on to www.notalone.org.

To purchase cassette tapes of talks given at the You’re Not Alone conferences, call Church Growth Institute at 800-553-4769.

            To purchase "A Ton Of Bricks: You're Not Alone When Your Child's On Drugs" click here

            By Dr. John Vawter

            FamilyLife Press

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