“A Review of the Affects of Pastors' Kids Abuse
 of Drugs/Alcohol on the Parish Ministry”
  A summary

Seventeen percent of the pastors surveyed have a child who is abusing or has abused drugs or alcohol, according to Barna research, commissioned by You’re Not Alone. Barna estimates that about 10,000 to 13,000 senior pastors in the country currently have a child between the ages of 10 and 30 who is facing substance abuse. 

Though most of the pastors experienced a severe personal trauma while their children were abusing chemicals, a high percentage were able to profit from the pain, according to a survey administered by You’re Not Alone. Their personal, marital and professional lives were enhanced through a deepening dependency on God. They reported a ministry expansion marked with greater compassionate outreach.  

Pastors who portrayed a vulnerable authenticity from the pulpit and with friends seemed to experience the greatest personal growth through the trauma.  

Nearly half said they had overcome the devastation, but many who said they had, shared how the pain was still a part of their daily lives. 

About one fourth of the pastors experienced some form of rejection from their parishioners. This ranged from being fired, to personal denigration, to flippant and surface “suggestions.” 

Encouragement from lay leaders and other pastors who had experienced the same trauma seemed to be one of the most helpful ingredients in the pastor’s healing. 

Many of the pastors surveyed, wrestled with the Biblical admonition that “a pastor who doesn’t have his home in order should not lead a church.” Based on the survey’s findings, pastors who seemed to have the greatest success with this problem either asked their church leadership for a leave of absence or offered to resign until the problem had been rectified or brought under control. In most cases, elder or deacon boards did not accept the resignation of the pastor -- but doubled their efforts to be a support for his family and him.

Those pastors who stayed in their church leadership position most successfully, had not only a strong support system but also accountability with a trusted few.  This accountability helped avert the common denial tendency and provided structure in seeking remedy for the child’s addiction problems.

 “An Analysis of the Affects of Pastors' Kids Abuse
 of Drugs/Alcohol on the Parish Ministry”  

Background: According to a study by Barna Research Group, commissioned by You’re Not Alone, 17% of the pastors surveyed have a child who is abusing or has abused drugs or alcohol. Barna estimates that about 10,000 to 13,000 senior pastors in the country currently have a child between the ages of 10 and 30 who is facing substance abuse.

            You’re Not Alone, an organization that ministers to pastors who have children abusing drugs or alcohol, provides a web site and conferences as an avenue of support and instruction. During several conferences, pastors indicated that stress involving their children’s abusing was painful and multifaceted.

Purpose of the review: To ascertain the effects of drug/alcohol abuse on the life of the parish.

Methodology: Pastors, most of whom attended a You’re Not Alone conference, were called to respond to an interview regarding the effects their child’s chemical abuse had produced in their personal and church life.

Executive summary: Though most of the pastors experienced a severe personal trauma while their children were abusing chemicals, a high percentage were able to profit from the pain. Their personal, marital and professional lives were enhanced through a deepening dependency on God. Their ministry expanded with greater compassionate outreach.

Pastors who portrayed a vulnerable authenticity from the pulpit and with friends seemed to experience the greatest personal growth through the trauma.

The reality: Seventy-five percent of the pastors interviewed said “yes” when asked if their child’s abuse had a negative effect on the ministry.

Ì  Negative effects on the ministry

            Though 75% of the pastors indicated negative effects on their ministry, another 10% who reported only positive effects, went on to share the emotional toll it took. Arenas of devastation included the marriage, the church and the person of the pastor. Churches split. Pastors resigned and were also forced out. For many who remained in the pastorate, their leadership role was diminished by all the

distractions of the child’s chemical abuse. You’ll observe in the following responses that pastors suffered feelings of failure, self-loathing, incapacitation, fear. During the pain, hope was lost.

x    As a youth pastor, I felt like a failure.                        

x    My attention was divided, so ability was diminished.

x    I feared legal issues for the church so resigned (against the church’s wishes.)

x    I constantly questioned, “What went wrong and what should I do?” It dissipated my energy for pastoring. Two pious lay leaders wanted me out which ended in a church split, losing scores of families.

x    It affected my outlook and impaired my ability to stay on task.  Much time was taken for my son's meetings and peripheral activity.

x    My anguish was a distraction - a defocusing.

x    Multiple church problems were exacerbated by the child’s abuse. People spread rumors. My               credibility was questioned. It really took a toll on me.

x    Time, worry, fear, discouragement were all distractions from ministry.

x    I had feelings of failure as a father, because I drank heavily as a young man.

x    I was a wounded warrior, drained emotionally and financially.

x    I was very sad. It sapped my energy physically and spiritually. I wept through all our church   music. I did the daily responsibilities but it hurt my expanded vision. I experienced sadness and fear for my son’s future and had an internal struggle to trust God for him and his user wife.

x    We experienced marriage conflicts.

x     It was hard to know to whom and when to talk about it.

x    You keep hoping that something could happen and make this all go away. You hope this won’t go on forever, but I know it could. Sometimes I lose hope. My son is in jail with no place to go but our house when he gets out. I don’t want to go through all the   old grief again.

x    It drained the strength and energy from me. I felt I was sinking down to the depth of my                     being. I asked myself if I should  even be in ministry - feeling like I’ve failed. There has been great tension at home. Some say my church leadership has been affected. One family left. Church growth has declined.                            

x    I had such guilt and shame for not giving him enough time. It incapacitated me.

x    The stress of a mentally sick wife and two kids on drugs made me unavailable except to                      preach on Sundays. I just existed. People left the church and the financial scene was bad.

x    I became so distraught that I  was nearly completely dysfunctional.

x    What do I have to say to anyone else if I can’t take care of my own son? What can I tell people that would ever be helpful? I preached out of total desperation, not out of overflow of God in my life. I felt like I was totally ineffective.

x    Confidence lost. Wanted to quit but the deacons wouldn’t let me.

x     I had to come back to truth. I can only experience it for me, no one else.

x     Truth is working in my life, but I can’t make it work for someone else. 

x    It killed my prayer life. I’d begin praying and the painful thoughts of my son would                              overwhelm me. It was two years of anguish until he left home.

Ì The question was asked: “Which effects were the most problematic and how long did they last?” Responses included:

x    I left the church and now can’t find another pastorate.

x    Feelings of  betrayal and loss still hurt. (The church split 2 years ago.)

x    I’m staying on task  but my boy is still using. The stress is ongoing.

x    My stress is ongoing. Some left the church because “the pastor is not a good father.”

x    Negative effects lasted six years with both boys. Credibility took a toll.

x    Fear and discouragement continues.

x    It is hard to articulate. It is just an ongoing 7 years of distraction.

x    Drained, emotionally and financially for years.

x    Sadness  for 8 months and fear for 4 ½  years, with an ongoing fear they will relapse.

x    Marriage effects. We blamed each other and expected the other to fix it. Seven years off and on.

x    Drained for 3 years.

x    Trying to counsel others when my own heart was breaking.

x    I wanted to be a good example to the church and here I had a wayward son. Times of not                   focusing. Time away from the church because of his therapy and meetings.

x    Embarrassing, depressing, doubting myself, feeling like a hypocrite, missed many days of                    work because I just couldn’t handle the stress, wanted to quit. My whole life came crashing in on me. I had committed my life to my family and then this happened. I was not an absent father. I feel unworthy to do my job.  Stress continues somewhat.

x    Stagnation of the church and low morale - 4 years.

x    Complete disorganization. I should have been fired.   

x    Lack of focus - 3 years.

x    Off and on - 18 years.

x    I couldn’t work on plans for full-time missions for one year.

Ì Asked if they had overcome the negative effects, the answers were quite varied.

Nearly half said they had overcome the devastation, but many who said they had,  shared

how the pain was still a part of their daily lives.  With this discrepancy in mind, a question could be asked, “Do pastors feel they can’t be honest about being devastated and experiencing ongoing pain because they are the ones to give hope to their congregation? If they can’t be “victorious,” how can they lead their parishioners?”

One person said the effects continue because of a stress-induced heart attack of the previous year!

Ì    The pastors were asked how they overcame the negative effects.  Answers centered

around four categories.

1.      A deepening marriage bond.

2.      Building a strategy for the child’s growth. To some, that meant detaching from the child.

3.      Encouragement from others was a most helpful overcoming tool.

4.      The most frequently mentioned category for overcoming negative effects was a focus on 
      the person of the pastor. Being vulnerable. Seeking help. Deepening commitment to
     God. Using the pain for personal growth. Responses included:

x    Because of my challenges the church now has a much healthier type of people (broken                        types who are vulnerable, caring and open to the gospel).

x    Helping my son in recovery helps me.  My wife and I had much dialogue with each other and
      with friends.

x    Some days were better in committing it to God. 

x    I’m learning to use the pain for growth and am not worshipping at the idol of survival.

x    Deeper dependency on God  brings growth.

x    I tried Paxil, but it robbed me of emotions. I’m gaining financial control. I fed myself as a                   Christian.

x    Marital bonding and balance in life helped us.

x    Our child’s therapy helped him, so we felt better.

x    Talking with people with similar challenges helped us. Faith walk deepened as I committed my children to the Lord. A friend helped me see the importance of detachment, helping me avoid codependency.

x    Our son moved away! What relief.

x    We sought help. Attended the Not Alone Conference. Read. Attended Al-Anon. Deepened my                devotional life with my wife.

x    I retired! 6 months of R and R. My son being sober for 2 years helped immensely.

x    Lots of encouragement from the church.

x    The little improvement I’ve had is because of advice and encouragement from a friend.

x    I detached myself emotionally from his problems. Threw him out of the house. Didn’t bail him out of jail. That was his turning point.

x    I worked on my own issues. Remarried a wonderful woman. Poured energy into the church
      and have a greater counseling ministry now because “I’ve been there.”

x    I got help for me and became vulnerable with others.             

x    Antidepressants.

x    I’m more engaged with my sons and am not letting it bother me.

x    Exercise.

x    Mental toughness, cognitive restructuring. Focusing on the character of God and not on the circumstances.

x    We were challenged to live out the recovery principles I had been preaching in church.

x    One saddened pastor honestly responded, I didn’t overcome them. I left the pastorate.

Ì    Twenty-five percent indicated that their child’s abuse of drugs/alcohol had a positive effect on    their ministry. The key seemed to be the pastor’s personal vulnerability, a living authenticity, modeled for others that encouraged learning and growth through pain. Their remarks included:

x    I see life and parenting differently.          

x    It was humbling and breaking. It forced spiritual growth and more open marital communication.

x    I became more focused on priorities and people.

x    My pullback helped strengthen church lay leadership.

x    It has opened up my ministry for others who struggle. Hurting people feel free to talk to me.

x    Our whole church has become a haven for hurting people. A lot of love and acceptance goes on here.

x    I can relate to parents in the same situation. It  broke my wife’s and my heart and caused us to see and understand a lot of people’s hurts that we never had before. We have more compassion.

x    I learned to depend on the Lord even more. It drove me to the Scriptures and prayer.

x    God gave me the most powerful sermon I have ever preached.

x    We’ve started a ministry to hurting pastors.

x    Our recovery program based on the Beatitudes is being used by many other churches now.

Ì    Over 75% found church lay leaders to be helpful while they were experiencing the stress

of an addicted child. Their support came in gifts of love for themselves and their children, including the provision of money for treatment, and acting as a mediator between child and parent.

      Nearly 25% found lay leadership to be harmful coming in the form of:

x    causing a church split,

x    extreme criticism,                                   

x    breaking confidence,

x    giving flippant, simplistic answers,

x    some were just too busy to help,

x    others walked out of my life. 

Ì    Parishioners were found to be helpful by three fourths of the pastors.

x    Recoverers came out of the woodwork and encouraged us. Many others showed caring.

x    Recovering addicts were the most helpful. Our own natural vulnerability
      before this time set us up for being supported.

x    They even took over a church service when I had to find my runaway son.

x    My two churches even raised money for his treatment.

x    My current church is very helpful because the church is made up of many broken folk who are very accepting people.

x    Most of them were helpful, though I think some left the church and others have a wait and see attitude, “If he’s the pastor, why can’t he control his own family.”

     One fourth of the pastors experienced harm from the parishioners. Besides that which has already been mentioned, these were some of the responses:

x    Some left the church for a more legalistic church.

x    Some were helpful, others pitied us. We needed listeners without solutions.

x    Some knew about our son’s addiction before we did, and they didn’t tell us of the problem.

x    Some gave flippant statements. Others stayed away from us. 

            A small percentage received neither helpful nor harmful responses because they didn’t tell anyone or expect help from the congregation.

Ì     A surprising statistic appeared when asked if fellow staff pastors were helpful or harmful. Forty percent indicated harmful, with responses including:           

x    Some couldn’t relate.

x    They gave me space to grieve, but weren’t very compassionate.

x    No one knew. I was counseling their sons!

x    I haven’t opened up to them. They couldn’t help.

x    The other pastor would just say, “Bring her to church and we’ll pray for her. You just need more prayer.” He also used it in his sermons, even using my name to make a point.

Ì    Half  found help from pastor friends.

             Many had a prayer support team with whom they met regularly. Others had pastor friends who were accountability partners. The You’re Not Alone conference provided a new pastoral friend. One pastor who had the same challenge with a son was of great support.

x    A pastor of another race whom I didn’t know prophesied to my son in jail of how someday God was going to use him greatly because of his experience. This was so encouraging to my son and to me.

x    I’ve always been up front and vulnerable, so getting help is no problem for me..

Ì    Half of the pastors didn’t find help from pastor friends.

x    No one I knew went through this.

x    I told a couple and they empathized but were of no real help; so, I didn’t go into details.            

x    Pastors of my own denomination shunned and criticized me. They don’t ask me to lead workshops any more. Others helped and supported me.

x    They were supportive but didn’t comprehend the magnitude of the problem.

Ì A support group was helpful to 40%.

Various kinds of support groups were attended: Al-Anon, AA, Nar-Anon, pastoral support groups, parents of like kind groups, and aftercare.

     Those who didn’t find help at a support group commented:

x    I took my daughter to AA twice and I went to one Al-Anon meeting. None fit our needs.

x    I tried Al-Anon and Nar-Anon but they provided only sharing and no answers, so I didn’t continue. My wife did.

x    I should go to Al-Anon but haven’t gotten around to it.

Ì    Asked if they found help from a professional counselor, nearly half said they had not.

Some had tried, but received no assistance. One was a psychologist and felt he was on top

of the problem. One persistent pastor tried nine psychiatrists and 12 counselors before finding one who was helpful. 

Ì Advice for others in their situation was helpful and plentiful:

x    Attending the You’re Not Alone conference helped me see it as a global problem, not a                        personal failure. Watch for denial. See signs earlier (cigarettes masked the pot.)

x    It’s a twofold challenge - it was not all my fault (though Proverbs says “train up a child...”) He made his own choices.  God is in control and He answers prayer.

x    Discern early. The rebellion and changes we thought were normal developmental  processes               were not.

x    A strong Christian residential program is helpful. They can be the warden and we can still                  parent without policing. Call the police on your child. Enlist the civil authorities for                      structure. I was even deputized so my son would be defying not only me but the state.     

x    Have a supportive group, preferably the church. An educational group helps. Read Help For Hurting Parents. Involve yourself in self-examination long enough to see faults.  Confess. Then move on. Be available, but not overly involved with the child. It’s their  responsibility.

x    Don’t isolate. Satan attacks harder when you’re in isolation. Seek help and support,
      especially from pastor friends who can be vulnerable with you and are without judgment.

x    Don’t hide it, but be discreet and in agreement with your wife about the amount of exposure.
     Communicate with the child, asking if you are a part
     of  the problem. Apologize.

x    Realize some are predisposed and there was nothing
      I could have done to  prevent it.

x    Educate self. Know telltale signs. Red alert if they
     stop talking to you. Don’t be surprised if they lie and steal. There is a time to disconnect from
     his problem. I’m not his savior. Thirty-day treatments are no cures.

x    Get professional help. Educate self. Look at issues from all angles. Do detective work. Get                 support maritally and personally.

x    Tomorrow may be a long way off, but there’ll be a brighter day. You will survive. Attend groups like Nar-Anon, even if not “Christian.” They have much practical wisdom. Avoid negative people. Don't ask the child for details. Focus on the future. 

x    Get out of the ministry to deal with your family.

x    Surround yourself with supportive, praying people. Seek God. Commit to obedience and                     doing right and not living by feelings. Be open to new ministry doors.

x    Realize there are no pat answers. Don’t beat yourself up. You will go through   a lot of guilt. Take responsibility only for the legitimate things you actually did wrong. 

x    Know that there are no perfect parents. Don’ wallow in the mistakes you’ve made. Live an hour at a time and do the responsible things needed. Get on with your life. Repeat Philippians 4:6-7 over in your mind frequently. Find a safe confidant you can say anything to. Be up front with your church but not with all details.                               

x    Love your child unconditionally by telling and doing. Don’t condone behavior. Set limits. Don’t be an enabler. You may have to kick him out of the house with no money or no place to go but the streets.

x    Never give up hope. Try to find your child  an effective program. Search until one works for your specific needs. Study recovery books. Talk to people in the field. Get educated.

x    Be open with the church board and the whole church. Assure the church that kids make their own choices. Don’t go it alone!

x    I made myself completely vulnerable with people I could trust. When you’re as low as can be, you certainly don’t want to have to figure out how to hide the situation or your pain.  Support must be cultivated ahead of time so its available when you need it. You can’t just    throw it together at the last minute. Assume that what you know about your child is only the tip of the iceberg.

x    It helps the congregation to know the pastor has faults and needs just like everyone                            else, though some will use it against you.  

x    A Christian residential treatment center with a medical model for 18-24 months is                               necessary to treat the psychological problems underneath the addiction.

x    Take a leave of absence. I didn’t because I was afraid the denominational leaders would ask me to leave the conference.

x    Get healthy yourself first. Get counseling. 

x Don’t interfere with the professionals who are helping your child. I took her out of treatment too soon. Don’t let your child live with you if they are using.

x    Ministers are hesitant to get help. It’s embarrassing. Pride has to go.

x    The father has to take charge of the family, not the wife.

x    Have your kid drug tested. Look at what you’re doing to enable or rescue. Stop.

x    I didn’t cause it. I can’t correct it. I can’t cure it. But I can care.

x    I learned I have no advice.

x    One pastor who was still severally hurting remarked: Don’t talk about it in church. It is like                      throwing pearls before the swine. I ended up being punished for it. I wouldn’t use a group of colleagues because word travels fast. This is too confidential of  an issue.

Ì    Asked if they had it to do over again, what would they do differently, responses included:

x    I was too busy enjoying the pastorate. I’d spend more time with the family on a weekly basis. I’d sit with the family in church until I preached. I’d have more involvement with their friends. From the pulpit and in board meetings I’d talk about “my brother’s keeper” to tell people of the responsibility they have in letting others   know if a child is having a problem. People knew of our son’s problem and wouldn’t tell us. I’d be more open about the gravity of drugs and alcohol. I’d pray more for discernment. I challenge parents that no one is above dealing with the same problem. I’d snoop but not get into suspicious behavior with the child.    I’d draw lines in helping (boundaries).

x    We did all the media says we should have done in talking to our kids about drugs and                         alcohol, but he still abused.                                   

x    I’d not force perfectionism on the kids because of the ministry. I’d not  have moved him in                  junior high where he had been set.

x    We were in denial 18 months. I’d move more quickly for help for him and I’d reach out to other pastors.

x    Urge more consistent follow-up for the boy in attending support groups.

x    More time in prayer begging God that I learn through it and not just get through it.

x    Build their self esteem younger with lots of praise. Be home five nights per week to tuck them
     in bed and pray with them. Be gone less. Building the church would take second place to
     building the family. More spiritual warfare praying.

x    I wouldn’t give him a car at 16, and I’d make him earn his money.

x    Family is first in ministry. It’s health is primary. Be open with those close to you. Seek                   professional help.

x    Be more encouraging. Look at his needs differently.

x    Be more understanding of my wife’s processing pain differently than me.

x    Tackle it sooner. See it as more serious. Leave the ministry.

x    I’d start over with my son, bond earlier and tighter. I was a workaholic. I’d have fun with  him.

x    I don’t think we’d spend money we didn’t have on an attorney again.

x    “Move to Tahiti.” I still have the daunting questions about how I could have done it all better. Looking back, we did the best we could at the time. He didn’t get help until he wanted it.

x    We needed a counselor that specialized in substance abuse. I would have been stricter with  his use of the car after his suicide attempt.

x    Kicked him out of the house sooner.

x    Shouldn’t have tried to live his life for him (taking his bottles away from him). Should have let him handle it on his own.

x    Know your child. We’ve been labeled codependent, but we couldn’t kick him out because he was sick and not street-wise. Every situation is different.

x    Be more supportive of my wife.

x    Taken a leave of absence.

x    I would have gotten more people to pray with us.

x    I would have introduced her to a better peer group (but didn’t know any).

x    I would have worked on my problems earlier so that I could have been a better model.

x    Work harder on my relationship with my wife. Get son’s permission to talk with others. My public exposure put pressure on him.

x    Not blame self. Found a treatment facility that understood both clinical and drug                                problems.

x    Not moved him from public school to Christian school because there he was attracted to the rich kids who gave him fun stuff we couldn’t afford, besides the drugs.

Ì    The pastors gave further thoughts and suggestions:

Ÿ After they turn 16, all you can do is love them. The Marine Corp. is helping him be disciplined, which he lost while on pot. Let them experience natural consequences, don’t rescue. Take your son to Promise Keepers.

Ÿ Don’t push him too fast (expecting too great a gain too fast). Stick together with your spouse. Don’t blame each other. Work on self. I’m a problem child to God, too. It  has given me more sympathy for others and I’m less judgmental.

ŸThe failure/shame/embarrassment causes one to run, hide or explain, to put a good face on it, to minimize. Don’t. It’s awful. Let it strip you before God.  Read the book: Parents in Pain by John White.

Ÿ Rely on God’s promise of Romans 8:28. Hang in there. God’s in charge. Do spiritual warfare praying and have support group prayer.

Ÿ Expect no quick fix. See it as a journey, maybe months, years, maybe decades. Work hard at communication with your children. Love unconditionally.

Ÿ Peruse the web site of You’re Not Alone and attend its conferences.

Ÿ There is a tomorrow. Deepen family skills.

Ÿ Develop physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health. Take care of yourself. Be selective in seeking support - from helpful folk, not negative.

Ÿ Trust God. He is in ultimate control. Your child may die, and the sooner you deal with that reality, the sooner you will heal. Stand at the foot of the cross as Mary did with Jesus.

Ÿ We tried too hard to change her rather then listen to her and move toward her.